Thank you for your thoughts Sotto and job. Its good to have a place to talk things through, it stops me from reacting first and thinking second.
I get your advice, I would not want to make h feel guilty that he did not contact me - that was the old me - I also want to know that when he does contact me its because he wants to, not because he feels he has too. I would always wonder which is the case. So no guilt trips.
On another note I kicked s18 and g/friend out NYE, long story but I am fed up with being taken for granted and feeling like a lodger in my own home. Both of them gained part time work and despite many requests for help with rent and bills they always seemed to play the pauper card, so when I came home to find a brand new xbox in my living room that they had brought in the sales it was the last straw. They left, moved into a house share with a friend, s18 did not talk to me for 3 days and then arrived home alone to pick up some of their things and we talked, smoothed things over, I told him I dont ever want him to think he cant come to me for anything and I am always here for him. He replied that he knows that and is sorry he is such a crappy son and treated me so badly especially after everything I have done for him (coming back to NZ to help him out, loaning him money for car, keeping roof over his head and food in the cupboard) and he will come to me if need be, he also said it was the push they needed and they should learn to stand on their own.
In the past (pre bd) I would have contacted h and blasted him with it all, make him feel guilty he is not here to help me (he was away a lot with work), he would have felt helpless and really bad that he was not at home. But this time, even though we are on friendly terms and co parenting, I have not let him know about what has happened and have asked s18 to not tell him until he is back from his holiday. I see that what I was doing pre bd was unfair on h, he couldn't do anything, only listen to an upset wife and feel helpless. I have dealt with it and it has turned out fine so no need to involve h at all.
I see now that I am able to take control of a situation, the world does not come to an end and I can cope with things on my own. To make h feel bad was unfair and so wrong of me. Its a good change in me.
Work wise; its tough. This week I have been playing catch up from NY onslaught of shoppers, but as always I have managed it. I have a trainee this week, she is my new support person that will cover my days off. She is not the candidate I choose, I am finding it challenging trying to teach someone who just does not "get it", but my new patience and perseverance skills that I am gaining through this MLC journey are helping me stay calm with her. Next week I am giving her a shift to run, so she will either sink or swim - The downside to all these changes is that management have been so impressed by how my dept coped with Christmas (apparently its the best for many years) that they feel I am more than capable of taking on some more responsibilities so with my new hours comes new tasks - I wonder if they are seeing how far they can push me before I break !! I will of course achieve them, failing is not a word I use often. I also look at it as more for my cv and that I don't intend being in the job this time next year so all this is for me is experience and a good reference.
Sotto - you asked me about GAL. That is on the backburner, it takes my two days off to recover from work, I am generally in considerable pain by the end of the week so its mostly relaxing, a walk on a beach and my grocery shop. I know that needs to change, h will become to much of a focus for me if I dont. My new hours/days no longer fit with g/friends so I really need to come up with something. I have booked time off end of Feb (unfortunately unpaid as I have used all my holidays, which means I now have to save over the next 6 weeks to make up the lost wage - no worries, just wont eat ha ha) I am going on a road trip with my AirForce Sisters (4 airforce wives ....only I am no longer airforce, but once sisters, always sisters), a week of laughing, wine and fun. I am very much looking forward to it, although I do struggle with being the only single one and listen to their "couple" stories, I also am funding this trip solo so they have good income to splash and I have to be careful - they are generally understanding, but do tend to forget and I find it hard to have to remind them as its a reminder for me too.
I finally made my cushion covers the other day, I bought the material and sewing machine way back last year !! They look great so am now thinking about my next project.
Anyway, thank you for your support and advice, I have taken it on board and know that this lack of attention, whilst hard on me, should not be taken as personal, its just h not being able to cope with more than one thing at a time. Next it will be the car !!! Sigh lol.
