I'm new here, need some advice....~m~

[jenoftheisland]

I'm in the process of trying to understand the whole HD/LD personality, as well as the psychology that comes with it. I've been reading this board for about 2 weeks now, ordered the books, just waiting to get them. So far, I'm shocked about what I've learned!

I guess I'm hoping that there are some HD people (never realized it affected women as well as men...duh!) who don't feel like their mates are the 'boss' of everything, and that not all feel so angry or hurt over their spouse turning them down for sex. Is my HD husband feeling this way? Even if he says he isn't? I think he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, and I'd guess he doesn't want to break the momentum we are trying to build by admitting his 'real' feelings about me.

I have initiated ML 2x in the past week... he was floored! I have no problem once I've 'gotten started', but I'm wondering what to do about when I'm having trouble getting my engine running! I have lots of desire at the time, but I think it's a very fickle thing... depends on so many things. I don't want my H thinking he has to 'jump through hoops' to 'get it'! What next?


If anyone has any advice for this LD woman, I'd appreciate it. Even if it's just to say "Just do it!". I have never had such an awakening as I have had the past few weeks reading here... how did I not see this? I feel like such a selfish person now in the R!

Thanks,

islandgirl

[sat567]

Well Jen, pat yourself on the back because, of all the HD Regulars here (Tim, the daves, CeMar, me, who am I leaving out?) none of our wives are motivated to the point you are. I'm sure the same goes for the HD Women, too.

My goodness, you initiated twice last week?! Here, that merits a bronze statue in the SSM Town Square. Initiating, as CeMar will, no doubt tell you, is the pinnacle, the ultimate, the DING DING DING love tank filler of all time...but only if it is genuine, and your desire for your H shows through.

If I wasn't so hopped up on anti-depressants, I'd be crying right now because you aren't my wife. My wife is nothing like you, in fact.

The fact that you feel bad about yourself, that you feel selfish, is (although maybe a bit harsh), refreshing and unexpected. But stop putting any energy into making yourself feel guilty or depressed. Put that energy into discovering (or rediscovering) your sexual self. You owe that to yourself. Find out what gets that engine running.

I'm sure you'll get lot's of other advice. Hurray to you, Jen. Hurray!

[NOPkins]

Hey, jenoftheisland.

First, WAY TO GO !!!! Woooooo Hooooo!!

Don't stop doing what you are doing. It is a good thing.

To answer your query about resentment and anger in the (formally) rejected partner:

Their are two possibilities.

1) He is hurt and angry at being rejected.

2) He is lying telling you that he is not hurt or angry.

There are extremely few people capable of such magnanimous behavior as to ignore repeated rejection and harbor no damaged feelings.

All the best!
-NOPkins-

[honeypot]

Hi Jen!
Something that helped me to understand our situation was to really put myself into H's shoes. I mean really focus and think about what I would be thinking and feeling were the situation reversed.

So if you are wanting to know if your H feels rejected and somewhat angry, think of how you would feel in his shoes. Is he turned down for sex frequently? Do you show him signs that you think he's attractive and sexy?
If not, how would you feel in that same scenario? Would it make you question your attractiveness or effectiveness as a wife? Would it make you angry that he never seemed interested in you?

I am the HD partner in my marriage, but it really helps me to focus on how he is feeling at the moment and to realize that there are two sides to every story. I never realized how much the pressure turned him off and how he felt "under the gun" to deliver, etc.

Don't be too hard on yourself, though. It sounds like you are doing great and I'm sure he's thrilled.

Honey

[grislen]

Jen,

This suggestion is not sexy in any way but make a list of things that you can do. Like Groping him, rubbing his back, playing with his hair and Iniating ML at least one aweek. Then as you do these things check them off your list. With this maybe you will start thinking and anticapating(sp) these little things. I think by doing these things that your H will open up like a flower and you well starting getting more of what you need.

Lee

[SuperDave]

Jen,
If he is truly HD then there is no way he won't have spent many sleepless nights rejected and hurting and wondering how it ever got like this. The steps you are taking will improve his life beyond his wildest dreams especially as it is not him leading the "project". As he becomes happier, the way he treats you will improve and your life will be happier too. He is a lucky man.
SD

[Lina]

*waves* Hi, Jen!

Gotta chime in with everyone else - it's absolutely GREAT that you're working on it. If my H initiated 2x in one week... *fans herself* Your H is a lucky man. :-D

And it's always good to have another LD on the forum - I think we HDs need the perspective, because it can be just as hard sometimes to get into other side of the question for us. (-:

I've gotta say, though, that more than likely he *does* feel like you're in charge of your sex life, whether he admits it to himself or you. Because... well... you are. You're the sole provider of a need of his. In any situation like that, the person who wants or needs something they only find in one place is dependent upon that place for fulfillment. BUT... obviously you're working on it and trying to see things from his POV. The feelings of being hurt and angry, of really having the other be "in charge," in my experience anyway :-D, really only become strong when that need ISN'T being fulfilled and there's no change in sight. *frowns, trying to find a way to put the difference* At the risk of seriously simplifying things - this is a loose analogy - you depend on your car to get around... without access to a car, you're stuck, and things get really frustrating. But you don't really feel that dependency, or realize it on a conscious level, until it breaks down. So I guess what I'm saying is that you being willing to work on it with and for him (and for you, too!), especially if you're following the "Just do it!" strategy, probably makes it so that feeling isn't very strong. Because - always remember - it's not the need for sex... it's the need to feel loved, and physical touch and desire are his best ways of receiving love. So you working on it will probably (I know it was for me!) make him feel pretty loved by itself... and while it's naturally a middle stage, that feeling of resentment and dependence tends to really reduce when you're being met at least halfway. (-: It's still there - at least for me - but it's not as big a deal as it was before, and it's definitely not the part I focus on. So he might not be hiding his "true feelings" about you, just focusing on the more important parts of his true feelings. (-:

So... keep up the good work! :-D

[Tim2point0]

Jen said:

I have never had such an awakening as I have had the past few weeks reading here... how did I not see this? I feel like such a selfish person now in the R!

W O W!!!!!

Jen, I really can't add anything constructive here, the others have beat me to it, but just know that the sound you're hearing is a standing ovation!!! Those words of yours are golden! Your H is ONE lucky man.

Just curious, and please forgive me, but how long have you been married? I'm guessing you're relatively young... (GOD I hope so!!)

[CeMar]

jenoftheisland:

YOU are in full control of the success or failure of your marriage. You are the LD spouse, and the LD spouse is ALWAYS in FULL control of the sex, and thus the marriage. Now, the following book What Every Woman Should Know About Men. This book is the perfect guide to HD men. Read It Memorize it. If my wife would do HALF the things in here, I would be the happiest man on earth.

Sexuality to a HD man goes all the way to his soul, and they can not be separated.

Good Luck!

[DailyBummed]

As one of the Daves, I have to just welcome you. Everyone else covered everything. You seem like a dream and really wish our LD Ws would have the same attitude as you.

Good night.