Thank you everyone. I've messed up today. I am just at the end of my tether of feeling desperate and suffocated by all this LRT and NC. I just cannot cope with it. I cannot cope with not being able to just text my H about things that happen during the day or whatever.
He came round tonight and did his usual: come in, say hi to the kids and blank me. Sit in the lounge with me and kids, looking rough and watch TV while occasionally telling one or the other of the kids off for something ridiculously petty (this is the only thing we've argued about before he left). He asked me if I have got his Dad a birthday card from the kids. So I said I've got one from the three of us. He left earlier than usual and took the cards with us.
The kids and I popped out for a few groceries and a birthday card for my niece on H's side. I was about to put money in it as a gift but then thought I'd better text H to check he hadn't already given a gift. To my total and utter surprise he texts back that he has!! He has never, ever, ever, ever, in the history of our M known when anybody's birthday is, not even his Mum's or Dad's! So, I text back asking if he'd put my name in his card. No, he said it didn't seem right. Then he said my family cut him out at Christmas and we aren't exactly together so what was he supposed to do. This cut me like a knife. I text back asking if he put the kids on his card? Yes. Then I lost it. I text, "Guess I know where I stand now then don't I. I thought you were still undecided. Guess I'm just a stupid, pathetic fool. He went on to reply that how come it was OK for me to write a card to his dad from just me but it wasn't OK for him to write a card to niece without me on it. I replied that I see that differently as I would assume he has a card for his dad but that he never knows when anyone's birthday is and now I look stupid as I put his name on the card I gave her. Then I text to say that he is killing me more and more every day with his actions and that I preferred the H who did amazingly sweet things like buy me a winter survival kit and sent me flowers for no reason at all. Obviously he hasn't replied to those. Didn't expect he would. But that's pretty much blown the no R talk and every other DBing rule going. I just can't continue with this anymore. I don't know what goals to set, I don't know which techniques to do, I don't feel like I know how to do anything other than cry these days.
