So the self confidence and self esteem are things within YOUR control, so as you grow and develop into the better version of yourself remember that... No one can take this away from you if you do not give them the power to do so.
That being said, I get it... My Ws A was like getting blindsided by a freight train, then learning all the things after I allowed the A, OM and the w to strip away all my confidence and self esteem... You literally would be certain it was 2 different people
So rebuilding, I've posted about this before, it's like going to the gym.. You are not going to walk right in and bench 320 off the bat, you have to start smaller and work at it. Start small... For me it was making the bed every morning, that little stupid achievement started my day off .... I knew my room was all set, bed made clothes out away and it felt nice. That's where I started... And to this day I still make that bed... Never have prior to all this
Then the next big thing I discovered were the lists. Sit down and take the time and write down list A... 10 things you like about yourself. These are your keepers. Next.... List B ... 10 things that you don't like, things you want to change. Now some of these can be those constant complaints by people in your life, but do not make this a top10 of your Ws complaints ... These are 10 things YOU don't care for about yourself. Finally, list C... 10 things you admire in other men, men you respect and look up to. So now that you have these 3 lists post them where you can look at them each morning, take inventory of them, the goal is to nurture list A, and slowly but surely replace list B with those admirable traits
For instance, one of my list A items is my sense of humor, now after BD admittedly I had lost a chunk so this helped me get that part of myself back a bit. An item B was my temper/anger... That was replaced with becoming more spiritual and being a man of faith, something I wasn't but admired in other men... Which went hand in hand with becoming more grounded and less prone to becoming angry.
Give it s shot, trust me when you feel you've made headway you will realize that self confidence and self esteem has grown leaps and bounds
CaliGuy and V, thanks for the suggestion. I like the idea, I think I will do it tomorrow and the ACE test. I was planning to take it today but my daughter and I ran an errand. I used to pass on opportunity's to do things with my kids. Now I drop almost everything to share a moment with them. I am ready to make a list. I am ready to work on myself.
I just mentioned this on Jpeg's thread, I am tired of doing this. I worry and worry and it gets me nowhere. I don't think its detachment. I think it's an recognition that what I have been doing is a waste of time and energy. I will keep busy and let the universe reveal itself on it's timetable.
Mu, I think it all goes back to making yourself great (which you have an awesome place to build from) and enjoy what you can in life. A happy, healthy, loving, independant person is attractive. That is what I am trying to do myself. I'm not sure it will bring xw back, but I feel better about life anyway. Xw is the one thing I WANT most that I don't have, but I don't need her anymore.
You are well liked and respected here. Try to show the outside world that same person, and you will be fine. Try and let go, and let God (the one of your understanding). It honestly is all we can do.
I have much respect for you, and am happy to call you my friend. Even if it is only online.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
So the first item on your list to change is being a worrying and anxious person.These are actually signs our subconscious is trying to help up but it is in a unhealthy way. Worrying does not change anything so yes it is a good place to start.
You are v hard on yourself too. You have admitted past behaviours you are not happy with. Stop beating yourself up over the past. Learn from it and move on. That can be no 2.
I am trying to help, not criticize.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
So the self confidence and self esteem are things within YOUR control, so as you grow and develop into the better version of yourself remember that... No one can take this away from you if you do not give them the power to do so.
That being said, I get it... My Ws A was like getting blindsided by a freight train, then learning all the things after I allowed the A, OM and the w to strip away all my confidence and self esteem... You literally would be certain it was 2 different people
So rebuilding, I've posted about this before, it's like going to the gym.. You are not going to walk right in and bench 320 off the bat, you have to start smaller and work at it. Start small... For me it was making the bed every morning, that little stupid achievement started my day off .... I knew my room was all set, bed made clothes out away and it felt nice. That's where I started... And to this day I still make that bed... Never have prior to all this
Then the next big thing I discovered were the lists. Sit down and take the time and write down list A... 10 things you like about yourself. These are your keepers. Next.... List B ... 10 things that you don't like, things you want to change. Now some of these can be those constant complaints by people in your life, but do not make this a top10 of your Ws complaints ... These are 10 things YOU don't care for about yourself. Finally, list C... 10 things you admire in other men, men you respect and look up to. So now that you have these 3 lists post them where you can look at them each morning, take inventory of them, the goal is to nurture list A, and slowly but surely replace list B with those admirable traits
For instance, one of my list A items is my sense of humor, now after BD admittedly I had lost a chunk so this helped me get that part of myself back a bit. An item B was my temper/anger... That was replaced with becoming more spiritual and being a man of faith, something I wasn't but admired in other men... Which went hand in hand with becoming more grounded and less prone to becoming angry.
Give it s shot, trust me when you feel you've made headway you will realize that self confidence and self esteem has grown leaps and bounds
Cali, this is the exact recipe I used as well. I started with making my bed in the morning and (this will sound corney, but) not going to bed unless I had a shiny kitchen sink. I dont mean just doing the dishes. I mean, I would not allow myself to walk up to bed unless I washed the sink in the kitchen to a shine. Those 2 things were my foundation acts. They were small, and only took minutes out of my day, but they allowed me to relax during the day and relax before I tried to sleep.
I also constantly use lists. Even on here, if I take a moment to make a list about what my plans are for the day, I get every item done and then a few extras. If I list things about myself I want to change I feel compelled to complete the list.
My PMA swells with each item I can tick off.
mut, I am not saying you should go scrub your sink and everything will be fine. It is little things that make a solid foundation to build on. Little things that make you feel more relaxed, in control, handsome, smart, rich, whatever.
Once you have that strong foundation, you can plant yourself firmly on it so you are stable enough to tackle the lists. Good vs bad. To do. Wishful thinking. Soon you will have lists of your lists, lol!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
dday, thanks, I feel the same for you. You seem to be in a better place, not the place you want to be but a better place.
roiste, thanks for the ideas, I will put them on the list. I think I'll make the list tomorrow morning, Saturday mornings are quiet in my house, everyone sleeps late. I want to take the ACE test tonight.
mona, thank you for supporting me, your advice is wise. I am ready to begin. It is time to begin.
Thank you all again, you are people only a fool would leave. Peace
Mutatio, I loosely followed your threads for a while now and just caught up. Our sitch's are very similar. You have been given some great advice by other posters along the way. I have some questions for you, if you don't mind. If your W speaks to you, does she look you in the eyes or talk to you like you are invisible? Does she sometimes act over the top happy when you are around? Does she seem, at times, depressed?
I totally feel your pain and I'm right there with you. Be well.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Hi V, thanks, I took the test and posted the results. I'm not sure what this means "Healing is a different of of work, wren on the man within."
Free, thanks for stopping by. I hope these answers help you.
"If your W speaks to you, does she look you in the eyes or talk to you like you are invisible?" My wife rarely looks me in the eye. She looks at the kids at the table, at her phone, at her kindle, at her laptop, at her TV but not at me.
Does she sometimes act over the top happy when you are around? She does not appear happy very much.
Does she seem, at times, depressed? She appears down or sad often. It could be depression but I don't have enough interaction to be certain.
