Here I am still

[trumpet]

Kyrie,

You hurt, and he is the person you're supposed to be with, and he's not supposed to hurt you. Right? So you tell him you're hurt, and he erupts, because he's hurt. He's hurting himself, and because he can't stop, he has to let it out.

It's a vicious cycle. A negative feedback loop. It can get so negative, that it turns to violence. My wife 10 years ago got so upset, as did I, that I had to call the cops - she had punched me, and I grabbed her arms so she'd stop punching. I did have to get her along a wall, so could get the arms. She says I slammed her against the wall. Honestly, it's so long ago, and we both apologized, but you KNOW she has brought that up in the last 2 months as yet another reason to divorce.

We both chose to approach each other 10 years ago in such an unhealthy way, and yet I was so stupid to never get help for the relationship. And neither did she.

Cleaning up my side of the fence has made me realize how we were so intertwined in our own personal struggles, but never had time to fix ourselves. We'd push that on our spouse, since they're supposed to be there for support. When our spouses don't help us, we turn to drugs or other vices, or other people, to get what we need.

I'm cleaning up my side of the street. I feel good about it. My kids see a different dad. That's ALL I can clean up - I don't have access to the other side of the street.

Kyrie, think about what you can clean up. That doesn't mean repenting of a sin - we all need to do that. If I'm loved by a higher power (for me, it's GOD), I need to show that love to others. But also, I need to understand that the love He has for me needs to break thru the hard shell around your wounded heart.

Showing love to my wife right now wouldn't really get me anywhere - she's wayward. So, I have to put the outward love on the shelf, and wait. And waiting is HARD, especially when they're in the same house as you.

Is he still having an EA?

If so, detach and see what brush you can clean up on your side. Detaching is an active process - it isn't like riding a bike, and then you 'get it' and don't have to focus on it anymore. Ever played a first-person shooter video game? Many times, they have different views, or 'perspectives' from the person you're portraying. Sometimes, you're looking down the sight of the gun, or you can just see his/her body. Other times, you're able to be about 3 feet behind the person, which allows you to see all around yourself, as well as where you're shooting. Imagine having that perspective when you're talking with your husband.