My M was unhealthy. I am unhealthy (still working on it) and my WXW is unhealthy. Being in the M I either could not see it or did not want to see it. Being removed from the M has allowed me to see the unhealthy interactions and decide to do something about it. I believe my WXW is making progress but has a long journey. I also believe while in the M I had very little leverage to encourage her to get help bc of our dynamic. I believe God allowed our M to burn down so that my leverage with her increases along with recognizing areas I needed to work on. If she will allow Him to work I believe we may R.
I could have written this paragraph word for word!!!
My path wasn't the healthy path that I was supposed to be. I am soooo much better in my own skin now. I realize I was an unhealthy contributor to the marriage, but more importantly, I was unhappy, and my wife wasn't talking my love language. She has had issues with self-happiness for as long as we've been married. She has tried to use me to find internal fulfillment, and that her 'acts of service' LL really was her trying to control the situation to feel inward love - the more I did in the last year, the more I gave her love in her language, but she still wasn't happy. She's never really been able to give of herself to the relationship. Making 'love' wasn't something she could ever do - it was SEX to her, and it was gross most of the time. Just an example.
She's going to have to come to the M table with some self-healing in order for her to give of herself into the M. I'm willing to give, and to see that it takes really hard work. She has to want to do that work, which, for 15 years, she's not wanted to do. It's easier to set unrealistic expectations for your husband, hold sex and intimacy over his head, and never deliver, since I can't be the perfect example she has set her heart upon.
I have just come through an addiction. It's tough, but you have to WANT to not be addicted, to think there is a better life, a better reality, a better YOU on the other side. I feel bad for my W, she can't see that - all she sees is a pen-pal EA meeting her inner desire to feel loved and happy.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
