I read this and thought it was really appropriate for a few of us.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
So I have been sick all week as is W, along with that there is this whole unspoken law “Stay away from me” type thing going on … I have been on the couch for about a week I think. One of the MLC things that is still very strong is the selfishness. I walked the dog yesterday and during that walk I though .. ya know what .. I am calling in sick today and resting … total 180 for me as I think I have taken 3-4 sick days in 20 years. W was pretty surprised but then quickly manipulated things telling me I should go grab some soup … “oh and while you do that why don’t you drop off S at school so I am not rushed” I did this not thinking really clearly but afterwards kind of realized she still is the master at manipulation. Later that day I asked (via TM) if she could pick up S as I was still sick …. 3 hours later she replied she couldn’t as she was at her therapy apt. This sent me spinning for about 30 minutes, I went ahead and allowed myself to spin a bit … calmed down and realized if I were single I would be doing just as I was doing. Seemed to help some but has got me thinking a bit at some of the bigger mistakes I have made in the past 6 months.
I feel like I have lost momentum, lost some power in this if you will. Since what .. back in October or so W has stopped really working on the M..rings off…, I am back to the DBing and no R talks … I only have the most basic of boundaries in place but some of the other boundaries I would like to have I just feel would only add pressure so I do not bring them up(Loveless/sexless marriage). We are not working on the M, and I just am not seeing her really doing any of the work on herself … I get she cannot work on us when she is a mess … but I fear she is stuck and I have done nothing but make it easier. She has this male friend who I do not feel is a OM2, but I also think she feels she needs to hide this from me (she deletes all TM from him), maybe the exchanges would upset me, maybe she still feels entitled to do as she wants I do not feel this is a OM2 thing as honestly there is no time she would be out seeing him as she is very open with where she is, its either homework or her PT and I have confirmed these on my own …. Bottom line is I am not sure what is going on there, for the most part I do not really care until I start thinking that this relationship may not be doing our R or M any favors. So I allowed myself to spin a bit … process this .. again not doing anything at the moment but I have found myself starting to really consider moving out.
The move out thing stems from not wanting this limbo thing anymore, along with this feeling deep down she is stuck and in a way has a security blanket on and seems just happy to stay wrapped up in it rather than to do the work, conversely maybe its just that I do not see the work. Last night she told me that Disneyland has some special .. wanting to buy tickets, I was not as enthusiastic as she .. in fact I told her S and her would love that, but I need to save my money. I am not giving up.. atleast not today .. I am just at times growing tired of this, there is no guarantees and I get that, but I feel the timelines rapidly approaching. Feb, … Valentines day and the text she sent last year after evidently breaking up with OM …for the ump-tenth time telling me it’s the first V-day she has been alone, to which I replied it was my 2nd. The lease in the condo is up in May, I do not want to live there .. its still a host of triggers for me (I have faked it very well), I would like nothing more than to move back into a house, start over with a new M and a new life .. there has been no talks of either so I am really growing weary of this limbo life that I have been in off and on for the past 2-3 years. Just when I am all set and doing well on my own she does just enough to real me in … this was my mistake for not being strong enough and holding out till she was done baking, knowing I deserve more
So all this … I just feel I missed a chance to really set down the terms of what I want, what I will not do without. I have not allowed her to treat me poorly anymore .. the spew sessions are very short, I am a better man after all this but still unsure of where all this is going. So I dig a bit more with this old patience shovel that is about ready for pasture. I pray for signs from God this is what I am to do and he has blessed me with a nudge here and there to let me know I am still on the path He has layed out before me …. I am uncertain if W is to be a part of it much longer.
So to feed the other wolf …. The past few days as I noted W has been all sorts of affectionate towards S and the dog. Was a long going joke during our M that I knew my place, last in line behind S, dog#1, dog#2, neighbor’s dog, the squirrel in the tree, and the cricket whom we could never really locate. Tuesday she was all over the dog then was all over S … I just looked at her and smirked … she actually gave me a hug and told me she didn’t want to get more sick. I felt at ease a bit thinking .. ok at least its more than roommates as its felt that way for a bit. She also mentioned she is just waiting for my anger to come back. Funny … I figured this is more about projection and the monster of hers that would appear and before I was DBing I met fire with fire, now I understand just allowing her to burn the eath on her own tires her out much quicker and I stay out of the emotional destruction for the most part. Over the past week as I said I have been on the couch, just removing myself from being blamed if she wakes should it be my sniffles/cough/sneeze .. whatever. At first it was a very cold vibe from her, over the past few nights small acts of kindness .. wanting to give me extra blankets, getting out the vics, that sort of thing …. Again … yes this may be croutons turning into stuffed turkeys but its movement in the better direction. W has also been doing yoga in attempts to help with her neck/headache issues... Again I do think her health has not helped all this ... The other night I walked in as she was doing her exercises ... I leaned over and kissed her forehead and whispered "I'm proud of you" then left... She smiled and said thanks. Seems small acts like this by me here and there seem to help. We will see how long she sticks with the yoga, as with many things it's a quest for happiness and will fade out as something better comes along
Anyways … that’s about all for now … we will see what the next days/weeks bring
