LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

[gs9]

I know the path I should be taking. I can see it. I know there will be lots of ups and downs. I don't know where it will end up but I do know it will be better than where I've been. It's not the path I would have chosen but we're here anyway so I must make the best of it.

[trumpet]

gs9,

Could the new path be better than the path you would have chosen?

I'm beginning to see a trend in those that post after D, or when they get the M back together.

You're doing great.

When does she move out?

[gs9]

Trumpet,
I'm trusting the new path is God's path and He is in complete control of my life. So I do believe the new path is better than what I would have chosen. Knowing this I chose God's path.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

My M was unhealthy. I am unhealthy (still working on it) and my WXW is unhealthy. Being in the M I either could not see it or did not want to see it. Being removed from the M has allowed me to see the unhealthy interactions and decide to do something about it. I believe my WXW is making progress but has a long journey. I also believe while in the M I had very little leverage to encourage her to get help bc of our dynamic. I believe God allowed our M to burn down so that my leverage with her increases along with recognizing areas I needed to work on. If she will allow Him to work I believe we may R.

It's amazing how writing this encourages me.

Our agreement is that she can stay until 7 days after the HELOC loan closes and I can pay her her equity out of the house. She is also scheduled to close on her new place on the 28th. So 3-4 more weeks tops as long as everything goes smoothly.

Even though it's weird having her there it hasn't been exactly unpleasant. She has been gentle and kind. Which is different than who she was prior to the D. There really isn't anything left for her to fight about with me.

[trumpet]

gs9,

My M was unhealthy. I am unhealthy (still working on it) and my WXW is unhealthy. Being in the M I either could not see it or did not want to see it. Being removed from the M has allowed me to see the unhealthy interactions and decide to do something about it. I believe my WXW is making progress but has a long journey. I also believe while in the M I had very little leverage to encourage her to get help bc of our dynamic. I believe God allowed our M to burn down so that my leverage with her increases along with recognizing areas I needed to work on. If she will allow Him to work I believe we may R.

I could have written this paragraph word for word!!!

My path wasn't the healthy path that I was supposed to be. I am soooo much better in my own skin now. I realize I was an unhealthy contributor to the marriage, but more importantly, I was unhappy, and my wife wasn't talking my love language. She has had issues with self-happiness for as long as we've been married. She has tried to use me to find internal fulfillment, and that her 'acts of service' LL really was her trying to control the situation to feel inward love - the more I did in the last year, the more I gave her love in her language, but she still wasn't happy. She's never really been able to give of herself to the relationship. Making 'love' wasn't something she could ever do - it was SEX to her, and it was gross most of the time. Just an example.

She's going to have to come to the M table with some self-healing in order for her to give of herself into the M. I'm willing to give, and to see that it takes really hard work. She has to want to do that work, which, for 15 years, she's not wanted to do. It's easier to set unrealistic expectations for your husband, hold sex and intimacy over his head, and never deliver, since I can't be the perfect example she has set her heart upon.

I have just come through an addiction. It's tough, but you have to WANT to not be addicted, to think there is a better life, a better reality, a better YOU on the other side. I feel bad for my W, she can't see that - all she sees is a pen-pal EA meeting her inner desire to feel loved and happy.

[gs9]

Having trouble pulling my head out of sitch again today. Time to find a distraction.

[gs9]

feeling much better today. A couple evenings of GALing. We'll see how this weekend goes?

[gs9]

Reading my daily devotional this morning. It's about Anger and reflecting before responding. This has not been an issue for me since I was a young man but I did realize something. My WXW struggles with this. She gives full vent to her rage. I would often think "how do you allow yourself to get so angry, say and do the things you do in anger?" Well, there are several Proverbs speaking to the wisdom of controlling your anger. This leads me to believe this is common issue in the human race making my WXW not so do different. I'm going to try to be more understanding. Not accepting or excusing but understanding.

The devotional also asked 3 questions about angry I have spent some time reflecting on
1. Why am I angry? I'm angry because she has destroyed our family unit. She chose several other men over me, our marriage and our family. She puts herself before the rest of us.
2. What do I really want? I want a healthy M, healthy W, and my family unit reunited.
3. How do I get what I want? IDK........

[gs9]

Interesting 12 hours. I think WXW is finally nearing the bottom.

WXW wanted to talk about finances. She began. She started talking finances and then switched into how she feels I've separated myself from the boys saying if I really wanted to part of their lives then I would have been around every night they were at the house. She eventually said she was on a tangent and went back to finances. Even this discussion is hard because she doesn't remember what she says within the very same conversation. I asked her what she thought was fair. She initially said
"since you're not paying a mortgage this month then we can just forget child support and call it even.
I said " and you'd pay half of utilities and food.
She said "no"
I said "well legally you're a renter and it does not matter whether I have a mortgage payment or not a renter would still be required to pay rent."
She said If I expect her to pay rent then she'll go and stay with her 1st XH but it's been easier for me bc she's been taking D4 to preschool and it would be best for the kids if she only has to move once blah blah blah....(it obviously wasn't this straight to the point.)
I said "Well what do you think is fair?"
She said "Well I already said we would just forget child support and call it even."
I said " and then I asked you about utilities and food and you said No"
She said "no I didn't"
We walked back through the discussion and she agreed to no child support, half utilities and food. Ugh! Ridiculous how difficult simple conversations are with someone who just rambles, doesn't take time to think about what they are saying and can't remember what they say.

she then switched into the boys saying that I obviously don't care about being in their lives bc there have been several times the boys were at the house, asked about me and she didn't know where I was. I said "you've never reached out to me to tell me when the boys are here either. Don't you think you could have reached out to me?"

She mocked me..... I walked out into the garage. She followed me calling me all sorts of names. I fired back several times. (hate that I did it). Then I left the garage for the front yard. She followed continuing to call me names but I put my head down and covered my ears. She went inside.

About 30 min later I went to her and apologized for losing my temper and calling her names. She said thank you and stated that I know walking away is a trigger for her. I said "I do but you know mocking me is a trigger for me. I'm not going to stand around and be mocked" She said "well you made a face and your body motions were a trigger for me." I then apologized if I made a face and if my body motions triggered her. She never apologized for mocking me.

I later asked her if she thought it was ok to say the hurtful things she says and the names she calls me. She said "This is what we do. You hurt me, I hurt you, you hurt me and we hurt each just over and over again. My first A was about hurting you. You expect me to apologize for calling you names but I asked you a month ago to stop spraying your cologne on in the house and you keep doing it. I know you're not putting it on to go out with the guys. You're putting it on to attract women or for your girlfriend and to spite me."
I said " why do you care?"
She said "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I LOVE YOU. I WOULD HAVE NEVER DIVORCED YOU IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED. I LOVE YOU AND WOULD HAVE NEVER IMAGINED WE WOULD BE WHERE WE ARE. I LOVE YOU. I WANT US TO BE BETTER, I WANT US TO GO TO COUNSELING, I LOVE YOU, I WANT TO DATE, I WANT US TO BE PERFECT, I WANT US TO RECONCILE AND GET MARRIED."
I told her I didn't know wearing cologne hurt her feelings and I wouldn't put it on in the house so we can be considerate to each other until she moves out. we were then interrupted by D4.

Later she asked if my plan was just to be considerate for the next couple weeks. I said I hadn't really thought about anything more than that. I knew exactly what she was asking for. She wanted reassurance that I would date her and we would get back together but I'm not ready to do that. She has a long way to go before I'll consider it.

Nothing more was said but she did a lot of crying.

This morning she came to me angry saying she is not a renter, I haven't fulfilled all of the separation agreement and she can stay as long as she wants. I said " why are you so angry. I never said you were a renter." she went upstairs.

Later I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. She said " You asked why I was angry. I'm angry because I was vulnerable and you took advantage of me and everything you said last night was about how things affected you. you do not consider how things affect Me, SS14, ss12 and D4." I said " I'll think about what you've said and respond later"

There it is! She is hurting, vulnerable, reaching out to me in her cake eating way and not getting the response she wants. Sure she throws the kids in there to not sound selfish but it's really all about her.

I believe there were several things she did last night that she should have apologized for. I even suggested a time to her. No apology, no remorse, only what she wants and how things affect her.

She doesn't want me enough to do what's right, admit her wrongs, accept her part in all this or even that her choices are fully hers. She's still passing blame, not apologizing, deflecting, but I have seen some progress. As crazy as it seems it's been a couple weeks since she's resorted to name calling. That's a step in the right direction.

[otw]

G
Have to tell you. This is a crazy situation.

[gs9]

It's crazy but thankfully with all the advice of people here I think I'm navigating it correctly. The old me would have accepted her blame, reassured her, pursued her. The old me would have would have continued apologizing where the new only apologizes for what I know I did wrong and only apologize once. The new me will let her deal with the consequences of her choices. I will not save her from herself. I do not believe her words or tears and only half of her actions. So far the action I've seen is a more gentleness than usual but she has a long way to go.
Trying to stay out of God's way