Stumbling, or moving forward?

[SciDad]

That is W bag sweetheart. Her lies, just sniff and deal with those that arise now.

I know, I know.... I'm going to use it to emphasize patience. The rest is... just what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

Predicting a confrontation? Not so useful really, can you reframe this?

The potential confrontation is simply to ask to see her phone when/if I think there is something to see. I'm not totally sure when this will happen, but I'm fairly certain she's already back to texting him - I walked in and she closed her phone really quick with tears in her eyes. Then she started talking about something random as fast as she could. She was hiding something, but I let it slide.

I'm honestly not sure if it's a good idea to call her on her transparency plan or not. On the one hand, I think it's critical to keep her accountable. On the other hand, I don't want to drive any contact further underground or add to the excitement of getting caught... ANy thoughts?

[SciDad]

Strange events.

Wife came home late from work and had her favorite perfume on. It's not clear if she actually had to stay late at work or if she went anywhere else (OM?) instead. I distanced myself emotionally and tried to listen to her talk about her day (a new routine we do every night), but I was distracted (and angry) thinking about potential liaisons with the OM.

Then my wife kept complimenting me for things I'm doing and made a point of mentioning how I'm helping with things to her parents. It's almost like she's trying to repair past damage and paint me in a better light for them. I'll take it, but it seems odd.

Then my wife put the kids to bed and supervised their showers (my usual job) to give me time to finish a project for my job. She hasn't done that in forever and usually needs me to ask directly for her help before she thinks to do anything.

Then, instead of falling asleep (either on the couch or going to bed early) she took me up on my suggestion of watching a few shows together before bed. I made it more awkward than it should have been by refusing to touch her (not really, it just felt that way to me).

Then I saw she texted the OM last night saying that she felt "so lost." I'm not sure what that means for our relationship or her actions, but I don't like it.

I can't tell you how badly I want to remind her that she shouldn't be having any contact with the OM and to push our transparency plan, but I am resisting because I'm sure it will lead to a relationship talk.

It's so hard, though. So. Very. Hard.

To act as if nothing is wrong. To listen to her day, validate her fears. When I know she is living a double-life...

[ARose]

SciDad, I don't know. It sounds like she is trying to break the connection with OM but can't. You know, the addiction theory. I wish I could call her or OM for you and help you out. Probably why they don't let us chat for real on here.

I think you are too available to her. She needs to feel what it is like to "miss" you. I think you should stop pursuing, stop asking her to spend time with you, stop cuddling/groping her in bed, stop being available as "plan B." Can you go out tonight? Go to the gym or someplace and be back in time to take care of the kids? And then go do your own thing after they go to bed, practice guitar or something? Keep yourself busy. Not with her.

How did you see her text?

[Mona52]

Yeah, what Fo said, how did you see her text? My goodness, everywhere I turn today I see snooping going down, lol

It also sounds like you are falling into a mind reading trap. Time to snap away from her and focus on you for a bit. If you watch her, you just get dizzy!

[SciDad]

Sorry for going dark for a bit - I got slammed with work and couldn't look at the boards. Not a bad thing, just a little overwhelmed for the next week or so. I forgot what is was like to be busy doing a job I love. Not a bad thing at all and I'm really excited to rediscover this. On the bright side, it helps to detach when I end up taking work home and don't have time to do anything else, lol.

Adding to my workload are my attempts to get a more permanent job. Just landed an in person interview for next week and was approached to submit my resume for a 2nd job. With job 1 I get to work from home, which greatly simplifies just about everything in my life. Not only that, but I could live anywhere in the US and still have a job. So if I get a divorce, I can guarantee I'll keep seeing my kids. This was a huge worry for me. Job #2 is across the country but should pay very well. I can't go into a lot of details, but I'm not as excited by the kind of work I'd be doing in job #2, but am excited that someone is interested in hiring me. Although it was fun to ask my wife if she'd be interested in moving with me and the kids... I might not be detached, but I can fake it at times.

Add to that a meeting next week in Washington DC and my head is spinning a bit, but in a really, really good way.

As for the text, yeah I snooped. Because I was looking for verification that she was at the OM house. Because I'm not sure I can trust my wife's intentions when she says she wants to work on things. In retrospect, I think I was paranoid and that she may have actually been working late. But it shouldn't matter where she was or what she was doing - I am still too attached.

I'll post more if/when I can, but I thought I should give a brief update.

[Mona52]

Thanks for popping in!

Now stop snooping!

I am so excited for your job prospects. It is nice to feel wanted.

[SciDad]

My efforts at not snooping are still a work in progress.

Part of my intention on snooping was to gather intel to determine if my W is actually meeting up with the OM or if it restricted to texts. Although both are bad, to me the former is a lot than the latter...

No more snooping. I pinkie-swear

[Mona52]

OM is part of the MLC script. Most A's dont last. You have so many other things to focus on. How are your goals going? Any baby steps for any of them?

Also... what is the Sci for in SciDad? Science? SciFi?

[SciDad]

Hi Mona! Thanks for stopping by

The Sci is for scientist; I do medical research. I also tend to be analytical, absent-minded, and introverted. I'm different than most scientists because I've always worked on being more in tune with my emotions and extroverted.

Thank you for reminding me that it's about time to do my monthly goals check, so here goes....

Seems like a good time to revisit my goals. Scores are 1-10, with 10 being zen-like

* Being present in my life: I'm feeling much better about this. consistently 8/10. Some days more, some days less, but I feel much more connected to everything and everyone around me.

* Start each day with a short list of easily obtainable short-term goals. Depends on the day, so I'll put down 6/10. Lack of structure during the holidays hurt this one a bit.

* Acknowledge my emotions - I'm feeling much more centered and calm. 7-8/10?

* Be straight to the point - 8. Huge improvements here. I'm not blunt, but I more Mr. nice guy...

* Continue working on being a better listener - 7. I'm still a good listener, but I don't always remember everything I'm listening to, suggesting I need to work on internalizing important conversations.

* STFU - 8. Might be to good at this one - also going to be important to allow myself to express frustrations in an appropriate way

* Do not isolate myself while at home with my family - 9/10. I'm not even sure I've had the desire to isolate myself, but I'm scoring a 9 because there were moments over the holidays where I needed to run away from my in-laws.

*Establish and (stick to) a chore list for my kids to help out at home. I totally blew this on. Will do over the weekend. 6. Let's call this a work in progress...

* Help more with homework- 8. I'm so happy we're sharing this responsibility (mini 180 from me), although it gets embarrassing when I need to look up the answers, lol.

* Continue to ask (and listen to) how my boys' days are - 10. Not even an effort for me.

* Find activities to do with the kids - 7. Not able to do this every day (I get tired!), but huge focus over the holidays and on the weekend

Work
* Explore the creative side to my research - 9. I'm rocking this

* Explore my career options with an open mind - 8. I have an job interview next week for a career change (but still very sciency) and was asked to submit a resume for another job.

* Continue to network 8 - Both of those opportunities came through networking, so I guess I'm doing something right

GAL
* Take time to be creative - 7. I practice guitar for about 30 min/day, but stopped while my in-laws were staying with us. I'd like to do a bit more - singing? Reading if time.

* Take time for myself - 6. I now try to get home a little earlier than my wife so I can have about 30 minutes of ME time. yes, I pick up the kids, but they play on their own. Sometimes my "Me" time is actually "kid time", but I'm totally fine with that as long as we're having fun.

* Continue to work on myself - 7. Without saying which books I've read I will say that I now feel more assertive and am beginning to take more control over my life.

* Exercise - 6. Skipped a few days during the holidays, but generally doing daily calisthenics morning and night. I'm planning to go to the gym on Saturday for some cardio.

* Meet new people (meetup? Volunteering?) and reconnect with old friends - 4. I'm reconnecting with old friends, but haven't started with new ones yet.

* Once a month, try something new - I'm taking this off the list because it's not really feasible

[SciDad]

I caught my wife going through stuff on my nightstand. Either she's trying to figure out what new cologne I'm wearing now or she's beginning to wonder what I'm up to. Another thing - as I continue to work on detaching, my wife is slowly getting drawn in. She's starting to initiate touches and I woke up this morning with her snuggled up against me (I swear I didn't initiate!). I promise I won't read much into this other than to say that I think I'm on the right track.

Plans for weekend:

1) Workout. I will tell my wife where I'm going and she can come with if she'd like. But I'm going no matter what.

2) Prep for my job interview. Not going to lie - I'm super excited

3) Start putting away xmas decorations and clean up the house a bit

4) Watch a movie (with popcorn!) with the kids.

5) Watch an adult movie (No, not X-rated get your mind out of the gutter! I'm just looking for something not animated)