B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

Good morning fellow DB'ers. I'm still here, and still reading so I figured I'd give a little status update.

First and foremost for me, I got my exam results back this morning and I passed my professional licensing exam! Which feels amazing. Now, I still have 4 to go, but hey, I'm okay with that (really truly for the first time ever). I was speaking with a Divorce Care friend and realized that me passing all of these licensing exams is one of the biggest 180's I can possibly do, and not to mention that its great for me personally.

Anyway, so another little tidbit/lightbulb moment. I actually had the thought this morning that there is nothing wrong with my life except for my marriage. A couple of months ago I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend how such a notion is possible for someone, especially me, to even utter, much less mean. But it is true. I have a pretty good life. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. But yes, I've had one really crummy marriage.

So...I guess I'm really starting to do it. I think I'm successfully detaching. Do I love the woman I'm married too? Yes. Do I want to save our marriage and make it better than ever? Yes. Is that ever going to happen? I have no idea. I will be here if she ever decides she wants to, but until then I have a life to live.

I've decided, for now, I'm going to continue to wear my wedding ring even though I'm pretty sure she isn't wearing hers.

I've started to see, and feel, that you know what, its okay for me to be a single part-time dad. That I do truly love my children and that no matter what I want to be a huge part of their lives. (Recently I had been getting irritated when my children were with me, and I think it was because they were a glaring reminder of the lack of the WW.) But now, I just want to hug them and love them. I'm thinking of them in my actions. Regarding their happiness and contentment before my own, which, especially for how I've been living the past couple of months, is new.

Does this all hurt like a son of a gun? Yes. Yes it does.

But, I think I'm reaching a point where I am accepting life as it really is, on life's terms. I'm working very hard to develop my relationship with God. I have been a true spiritual farce for most of my life. I've always gone to church, moved through the motions, and said the corresponding words...but as soon as I was alone I couldn't wait to become this person that was devoid of morality. Surprise crummy marriage! But now...I realize I need God in my life, that I have to walk that walk, and accept and want that a path for me directed by God is far and away better than the paths that my logic and best reasoning have provided thus far in life.

Anyway...I don't know what all I am saying. I just don't really have too many people to share these things with, so here I am sharing with you all.

So, I'm doing no contact. The WW called last night around 8pm but I just didnt feel like answering. The kids were with me, and I had nothing to say, so I let it ring. She didn't leave a voicemail, no text after, no calling my apartment #, no email...so whatever it was couldn't have been urgent. Of course paranoia sets in about what it might be, but really it can all wait. I've got all of my urgent things taken care of, and I can deal with whatever it is that she needs or wants at some time later. If that later even happens.

The last two days I have woken up and before I get out of bed I thank God for letting me wake up and live through another day in His world, and that's new, but it feels right.

So, anyway...I'll be back around later.

Have a great day all.