Separated- Wife in Emotional Affair

[sandi2]

I just want to avoid any talk of the A if at all possible. I certainly don't want to ask her "So have you ended it with OM?".

If she ends the A and is remorseful, you won't have to ask her. She will go to you and tell you. And, until she does......do not trust her words, and don't even trust her what she does, b/c the actions of a WW can really trip up a LBH.....if he puts trust into them. The first time she makes a move on you, you'll wonder what the heck is going on and will be posting how confused it's making you. You will see all types of emotions come from her.....don't believe them. She will test you to see how emotionally attached you are to the relationship......and the minute she is assured she has still has you, she's right back to her waywardness. It is what we call temp checking. She's taking your emotional temperature.

She may go to you crying about how hard she's having it, or play all nicey-nice, but it's all about her and her selfishness. She is motivated by her selfishness and she lives for the moment. Whatever mood she happens to be in at the moment is how she will act.

You are off to a good start. Just brace yourself and know that you will have days of discouragement like never before. These guys know exactly what it's like, so come here and talk to them. They are a little farther ahead of you, so learn by their mistakes.

You can be your own best friend or worst enemy. It's all about your attitude. You can pep yourself up and have a great day, or you can allow defeated emotions to pull you down into a tunnel.

Right now, it's not about proving your love to your W. It is about standing for your family values, principles, self-respect, and spiritual beliefs. You can demonstrate this lovingly, but not in a weak manner. A man cannot afford to show his inner weakness to his WW. It is something about that weakness that makes a wayward wife want to vomit on him from disgust. It's b/c she has no respect for him as a man, and when she sees any form of inner weakness....she is thoroughly turned off. This is not the girl you married. She has changed and you will not be able to interact with her in the same manner as in the past.

I would suggest you get some type of counseling, group therapy, or research verbal abuse. Even when a couple says things they don't mean.....it still does damage to their respect and to their R. Even when you apologize, the damage is done. So, please get help for this issue and train yourself how to communicate when you are upset.

BTW, the good news is that she can change back to the woman you love. It won't be quickly, and won't be easy.....but it can happen.

[mvgfwd2]

...and she will manipulate you any way she can. Kissing, hugging, sex, guilt, anger, threats, insults, anything and everything, good and bad, to get you back to the compliant stooge on plan B. So be prepared for whatever may come. Stay strong, calm, and confident, and let it roll off, it will eventually end when she realizes it isn't working. As she is doing all this just think of it as her focusing on you instead of the OM, even if it is rough, and that is a good thing. This is how the fog clears.

[Chris82]

So I had an absolute blast with my Pastor playing my first game of disc golf ever.. It was fun to let loose a little, be in nature and just have a moment out for once. Then I went to my local gym for a few hours of hoops.. Just because I wanted to. Oh, and I left my cell in my truck on BOTH occasions.

However when I got back to my truck around about 8:15 after a nice and what I'd call successful first day of darkness I saw 4 missed calls from my W. I was reluctant to call back, but luckily she felt like calling a fifth time.

I answered, problem at school with my oldest. I handled it as any Father would do over the phone, was loving and kind to my son, who was crying because he was scared I would holler at him. I calmly corrected the issue told both him and my youngest I loved them and hung up. She texted me immediately with a "Thank you" to which I simple responded "you're welcome"... End of story. I felt like today was a good day.. My DR book came in the mail today so I have it to keep me busy..

Did I do good!?!

[mvgfwd2]

I would say that was right on the money.

[2ltl2lt]

Sounds like a good time to me!

[Chris82]

Thanks. One thing that I am learning about myself in this sitch is that I particularly struggle with mornings when I'm not in the same house with her. As the day progresses and it gets closer to the time for me to get off work and have some free time to distract me I get better.

She texted me about my youngest taking his blanket to school this morning and I was almost weak enough to respond lovingly.Why does she constantly on the daily find a reason to contact me??! This stinks.

I know most of you say the biggest mistake is to move out of the house, but I don't see how I could effectively DB with a known affair going on right under my nose. I guess thinking about that doesn't matter because I'm not in that situation. Many of you are much stronger than I in that regard. Here's
to another great day.I've got my boys this afternoon when I get off work for a few hours until she comes to get them. Looking forward to their sweet faces and a trip to the Froyo bar. I hope you all have a blessed one!

[Chris82]

One other question. I've completely removed myself from all social media accounts. Anyone who knows me knows that this is a very big deal. I've always been kind of a Facebook and Instagram junkie.

I figured this would only help in my 180 and soul searching and also remove any track for my W to keep tabs on me and my whereabouts. But at the same time, if we are being honest, I wish she could see how much fun I'm having. Anyone else done anything similar?

[mvgfwd2]

The idea would be to make the WW leave the house not the you. Some have had in-house separations where the WW was kicked out of the bedroom. It would be harder in-house but in can be managed with GAL activities that get you out of the house.

A question on the child care arrangements. Why does she need to pick them up at 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Why don't they just spend the night? You only get 2 overnights every 2 weeks as I understand what you said. That doesn't seem fair, especially since you didn't cause this situation. I mentioned before that moving out could be argued as abandonment if things get ugly as one person on here had to deal with. I think you need a little legal advice about child care arrangements when you're separated that won't cause you a problem and that are fair.

[Chris82]

the schedule is Tuesday and Thursday every week until 8, except every other week they stay overnight with me Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. When we looked at the days on paper when we were through arranging it, it gave us both exactly the same about of days with the boys. The kicker here is that my W is a nurse, and her schedule often requires her to work sometimes 3 full weekends a month, so outside of the "set in stone" arrangement, I often times have gotten the boys a full additional weekend on top of what we originally arranged.

She picks them up on those Tues and Thursdays because we now live in separate counties. When I was living in the house I used to drive an hour to work because she wanted to live near her mom (about 2 miles). Now I can no longer afford to do that with my bills and live in the county we both work in. Hope that makes sense.

[Tyler12]

Hi Chris.
It sounds like you are coming along really well. It's a tough road to travel.
Although I wasn't addicted to fb and social media in general. I was addicted to video games. The first thing I did when the bomb dropped was delete all ways to sit on the computer where I wasted so much time. There was a brief denial phase and after it lifted I became much happier because that time was spent doing stuff around the house and playing with my children. Now I look back at the time I spent on the computer ( literally hours a night) and shake my head. It s so much more fulfilling using that time for yourself in a positive way. Facebook I am still on. I use it to post positive things about myself which is a 180 for me as it was a way for me to see what everyone was up to before. Now I put up pics of the kids and I having a good time and good things in my life. However part of me detaching is keeping W on fb and not getting affected by what she posts ( when she posts it so I can see).
Stay strong. Work on yourself and what makes you happy. I had to fake it at the beginning and still do to a point. It became more real everyday and really quick for me which I am grateful for. I think it was Mona52 that told me fake it till you make it. Become the man any woman would be a fool to leave