Rain - I posted information about MLC on MB and inpain's pages. Do you want me to copy the links here? I suspect you may be correct, and if so, you need all the information you can get.
First, MLCers don't care about money. They don't care about responsibilities. This is really important for you to understand, because your first priority is protecting you and your children from his insanity.
He will get angry. MLCers are the most selfish creatures on earth. You are dealing with a teenager in a man's body. Everything you knew about him? Doesn't matter anymore. He is not that person. MLC is tied up in depression. They are in pain, and chasing happiness in all the wrong places. They will spend, spend, spend to impress their friends, OW, or anyone else.
That is why you need to fill out those papers asap. MLC doesn't end quickly. It can go on for years. We all want to hear that our MLCer is near the end of his run with it. Sadly, you really should start the clock at BD. From BD, you're looking at an average of 5 to 7 years they'll be temporarily insane. Do you see what I'm saying?
No matter what you do, H will be angry. Right now he believes you are the source of his unhappiness. So, taking that into consideration, protect yourself financially immediately. It is not personal. At this point, it is strictly business. You have a partnership that is dissolving, and you are looking after your assets. Take all emotion out of it, and protect yourself.
I'm so crushed. I've been crying all morning. After he left last night he didn't text to say goodnight or that he was home or anything he used to do. I immediately thought back to PA time and how only when he was with ow he wouldn't check in on us or say good night. But I tried not to think about it too much and I half watched a tv show. Read and finally fell asleep.
I woke up to a long text saying he was glad he got to see us and he wants me to know that had I just let him be and let him get over what he needed to get over, and deal with his feelings for ow, we would have been in a better place now. But since I didn't that is the reason he kept ow in his life. And why we are where we are now.
And that's also why talking to and flirting with these girls makes him feel so good. It's easy and he never had that with me. He couldn't be himself with me because all I cared about was his A.
I guess I was supposed to spend the last 2 plus years with a smile on and give him space to enjoy his A. In his mind it wasn't the A or that having ow means he was wasn't committed to us, that is the reason our family is no more. It's apparently that I had a problem with it.
I haven't responded because how does one respond to something like that?
My heart hurts and I hate that this is how he feels and how he sees me and our time together.
If he's never been happy with me and I was so horrible then why didn't he just leave me and marry ow?
I wish I could click an unlove box and walk away from him emotionally. That text breaks my heart.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
Don't respond until you get more advice here, Rain. I know some things are true: 1)He was happy with you and can be again. 2)Don't accept his blame that it's all your fault. Maybe you could say "I hadn't thought of it that way." That acknowledges that you've heard him, without agreeing with him. Or maybe "I appreciate you being so open and honest with me." 3)Or this might be a time to say, "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this."
Remember, no begging, pursuing, crying.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
IMHO, he is also reacting to what he is seeing, he is doing some temperature check to see if there is a change or not.
In his mind you are just faking to get him back home. He thinks if you are being sweet is because you want him back the next day, but will then show your real colors.
Don't over react, this is not your goal. Take the time to cry, let that pain out somehow, be careful the kids don't see when you are hurting the most and once you are calmer, then assess the subject.
He is looking for your reaction, he is trying to prove to himself that his decisions are grounded and he is justified to go crazy. Besides the fact that if he is going through some crazy MLC roller coaster it will be a YOYO dance about the same subject over and over.
He is stuck in his pain. You probably exhausted the OW stuff on his face. And believe me, I don't think that it would be natural to just be happy while your XF was in an A. You have all rights to behave the way you did.
But now you know better, you know that this is cheeseless tunnel and does not solve the issues. So, let's learn from the past and move forward.
I like that: "I hadn't thought of it that way". It's something short, does not say much and yet, like NYGal said, it acknowledge what he is saying to you.
This is a 180 for you. In the past you would just blow on his face and charge even further his guilty, now you show him you start listening and understand the real issue.
Just be aware that he won't stop there. He will push your bottoms many times more. One day he will probably show some affection towards you and then he will guilt you again.
And that is why it is so important that you are in a good place and feel a little better about yourself, so you can be strong and resist all his games.
Like yesterday, he did not text you because he is seeing someone different now and it is messing up his mind.
Don't get into any desperation. It may even be something good. You change and he will react. Keep the hard work. It won't change overnight, it will take time.
BE PATIENT...BE PATIENT... BE PATIENT...
Let the dust settle and then you can see the path.
Hey Pink....well if he is temp checking then I just blew it AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Why can't I detach?
Btw when I can't control the tears I shower, step outside or tell them mommys head hurts. I've been doing better before today.
He text me asking me to call him. But since I was nervous about his text and still sad, I waited a while to call. Well I guess he wanted me to call while whoever he is with was busy. When I called he was not alone as he was speaking very quietly, and kept asking things like...whats wrong. Are the kids okay. Are you sure. Is everything okay? It's the same sh!t he would do when with ow. As if to show...see its all kid related with her and nothing more.
And since he ASKED me to call him and all I got to say was hello before he started his bizarro world antics, it just got to me. So I said "okay your obviously with someone else. You asked me to call you, Im not calling out of the blue. No need to feign fear of the kids health or safety. I don't have time for these games anymore. Good bye XF."
How can I love someone who keeps doing this. I want so badly to detach and let him go.
Last edited by Rain75; 01/07/1604:53 PM.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
He just text me and said...."I am alone. If you go to kid zone let me know and I might be able to join you guys after work."
He is NOT alone. Womans intuition even beyond the fact that he is just different when he is around a woman or girl or whatever. And he never works when it's raining. And it is.
I'm not telling him anything. I am set to meet a Friend and her kids later today at a local kids place for a couple of hours. I guess her husband told him.
I want to leave him alone. I want to not be affected by his choices and actions. I really do.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
Did you learned anything from this? Let him aside for a moment and think what happen.
Do not think WHY he did this because you know there will be no answer for that since he is a total idiot right now.
But, think that if he was looking for what is the same with you and he got, didn't him? You are a very hot head jealous latina, and I guess I can say that because I am too.
So, take the time you have and think how you can do it differently from now on.
First, I would not call him even if it is a moment later, or hours later. You are not suppose to be sitting around waiting for him to tell what you need to do next.
Ignore it, and if he calls again and complain you did not call him, say very friendly that you got distract and forgot to call him, and even ask him if there is anything you can help?
We all know you are not detached, we all know it is the hardest thing to do. But you need to act "as if" for now, and let him see that he is not that important to you right now. You start having some other stuff in your life and is not too worry about what he is doing or not doing.
Friendly, not sad, not super happy, distracted at times, mysterious, do not say anything about you to him.
Let him scream and do all what he can do to bother you and do not bite the bait. Do you have any place you can spend the weekend with the kids, maybe get away for a couple of days?
He is important to you, he was not this fool when you fell in love with him, but right now he running for the biggest Jerk contest and he wants badly to get the trophy. Get out of his way, let him deal with his own s**t for now.
Say a prayer, keep quite and get yourself together again, you can do this, I know you can.
Thank you Pink...yes you describe me well. And yes I gave him a-more of the same-reaction.
No, I don't have anywhere to get away too but I have the play date later today. And the park and pool this weekend. A friend is driving in and staying overnight too. With her teen son.
Act as if. If I can do that and be too busy to interact and learn how to STFU when I do maybe I will feel better.
Thank you for your gentle 2X4 and kind words to me. And for checking on me. I'm such a mess but I do have better days in between so that is a little progress.
