New Year..Need new goals

[25yearsmlc]

I feel so alone.

You are NOT alone. This would be a lie to say you are alone. We are here.

I will never understand this. I agree. And since you won't ever understand it, you can Stop trying to understand and stop asking him WHY he is doing/saying/planning one thing and yet also doing X or Y.

Not your business and besides, you won't understand it. It's not about you either. Just lt go or it


.

Never in a million years. We were meant to raise our family together.
To spoil our grand children. To grow old together.

Where did you read that you "were meant to raise our family together", etc? It's news to me. THE reality is he never married you and was never the man you believed he would become...b/c as is, he's not really marriage material, is he.?

I mean, it is nice & it's quaint to say those things, but it's what couples decide, together. I get the feeling you are not on the same page, LET ALONE a page that determines what you were each "meant to do"...it's harder when our partners begin to stray or look as it one can only track a few,,,
'


He's sitting pretty and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Yeah that seems fair.


No one said what happens here, is fair. We make the best of the cards we are dealt.
Besides, I would genuinely detest being in his shoes. What shame he will someday feel. AND If he feels none, it just means he's not capable of deep love, & the sooner you flee, the better for all.

You are AGAIN^^ mind reading with him big time, to your detriment AND ignoring the fact that he's not with his kids and YOU ARE. ((If I could choose who to be in this scenario, it would be YOU)--the empowered one.

"Picking up the pieces" means to me, bonding with my children as much as best I can..crezting a sum or parts, better than before.

& it might be something to thank the ex for someday. He will miss out on so much and there will be less LESS tension in the home, and you shape the children you are raising...YES you're probably very lucky I think

And I bet you've got this!!

[Ancaire]

I feel like I let what he does and says or doesn't, sidetrack me. That is not how I want to keep living my life. Not anymore. I have to detach and GAL.

There you go! It really is that simple. It makes for forward progress, and the last thing you want is to be stuck, right?

H is worrying about himself enough for both of you. You? You have the kids, and you have yourself. Plant your focus right there, and you'll start breaking away from H. It's a process...but it happens.

[Rain75]

Anna, thank you. My kids need me and I am always there for them. I NEVER bad mouth him to them. I just do what I can. When they're crying it is the hardest part for me. Daddy is working and daddy is busy can only go so far. But yes, he is the one that can never get all of this time back.

Rouky..I'm sad for you my friend. You were doing so well and had such a great PMA. I know you've had a rough few days but now that it's all out in the open I am hoping that you are doing better.

JGuy, hey...thanks for checking in. But don't be too proud of me. I have been able to not engage much but that hasn't been for very long and I messed up royally last night..well in the wee hours anyway. That's my next post.

[Rain75]

So as I said before he knows that I know about the blasted hook up site. He gave me some lame excuses about using them dor pictures to alleviate himself. Also said its nothing serious just a little flirting. Yes, he really said that.

Maybe he doesn't know I read where he asked to get numbers to keep in touch or when he said he could be there quickly.

Anyway, he must have been drinking1last night. I started getting texts asking if the kids were up...i didn't reply as he knows they are not awake that late.

Then a slew of texts came in. Ranging from im sorry to i miss my family to why are you ignoring me I know you're awake and then the nasty ones started. It's my fault he cheated because he felt she understood him and I didn't.

That maybe he let it go too far BUT he missed her and he knew if he told me he had seeen her that it would be a problem.

That i act like if I am holier than tho but I am no better than him.

That he knows she is a good person.

I just want peace

Maybe us being together was a mistake

The fact that you have my calls blocked shows me you don't really love me anyway

I just want to be happy and i cant be happy with you

So. And this is where i F'ed it up. I should have erased the texts and put my phone on silent and kept watching my show.

But I didn't...instead I sent him a text saying...

I'm sorry you feel like that. And if being with me was a mistake and you were never happy with me then you have already solved your own problem. Without me you will have only happiness in your life from here on out. Never again will unhappiness or sadness or even a bad day touch you. That is If you're right and it was me that was the problem. So for your sake, let's hope you were right. Im going to bed now.

I know I messed up. I feel like an idiot for sending it.

[Pink17]

Hello Beautiful Rain,

I guess I would say I am a Vet in making many mistakes, but time is powerful and keep teaching us lessons as we go through it.

Re read all what you wrote on your last post about things that he texted you. This man is in no place to have fun much less to be happy with whatever is in his life.

Rain, after so much thinking of "Why this and Why that" my life became miserable. Well, I got tired of being a punch bag, a miserable being that was just giving value to what was hurting me.

I learned that I can't change other people's behaviors and wrong doing. I can change only my own.

I also learned that this people choose this path of destruction. They know what they are doing but they are too lost, too confused, too sorry for themselves and they can't get themselves out of the hole.

I can probably bet high that your XF is in no where to find happiness. Looking for girls in hook up sites just means that he is lonely and that he has no one to love him properly at this moment.

It's amazing how many times they will repeat they want peace when you are not pursuing anymore. You look at them and ask yourself if they are perhaps with dementia. But this is what he is hearing from himself. He is in such internal turmoil that there is no peace to be found.

Maybe you will see worse coming from him. Maybe he will push you to over your limits because he needs to hold on to something.

I am still learning about MLC and trying to accept it as a sickness. And maybe your XF is an MCer and has started his journey on the MLC Wonderland some time ago.

So with all the above in mind. I learned that I am not so old, not so ugly, not so stupid, etc. I learned I deserve respect, that I am a beautiful person that have values I would not trade for anything. I learned I am stronger then I ever knew, learned that I can set boundaries with someone that is not in his right mind. I learned I do not need or want to know what he is doing because it is worse for me.

You see, time has been teaching me that right now I need to love myself, learn as much as I can of who I am and who I want to be, learn to be happy with myself and other people beside XH, how to do different things and enjoy some fun on my own. In this way also learn that if I treat myself well I will also be a better mother, more relaxed and in connection with my children and the day by day torture will became a every day joy.

It's a learning process and many of us make a lot of mistakes until we finally get that it is all inside of us. We learn that if we are happy inside ourselves then we will find happiness outside ourselves.

Be patient...give yourself time, detach from his insanity.

I never tough I would be one to advise that you need to let go in order to attract. That you need to DETACH in order to grow as a better person.

But it is true... very true!!!!

By other hand, start looking into your finances. Did you get that free appointment with a lawyer to advise you what are your choices, rights, in your specific situation.

If there is one thing I do not regret is to have done my one D, even if it was not my idea, it was a way to protect my kids and myself. As far as I know, my interest is protect and I don't need to cry over the milk spilled and I have been getting emails because my XH is not really paying his bills, but he is always in his next vacation, adventure, do not have a place to live that is his own, didn't have much money for his kids XMas's gifts, etc.

Protect yourself legally, don't get mixed up between love and finance, they do not need to be related. Your XF might be in this for quite a while, so think about yourself and your kiddos.

You are a smart girl and a beautiful soul.
Lots of hugs,

Pink

[Ancaire]

Pink, that was really a beautiful response.

Rain, this whole thing is hell, pure and simple. I'm stunned at the text messages he was sending you. Your response? All in all, it wasn't that bad. You get that it was a mistake, but it wasn't an awful one. Learn from it, and let it go.

I've made so many mistakes. I never thought I'd be in this position, and I wasn't happy to be here. For a long time, I guess I was having a tantrum of my own. I realized it's been 5 months since BD. The first 4, I was in crisis. I've only begun to turn myself around at this point. And that was only after I nearly made a mistake there is no recovering from.

This is a process. Be truly gentle and kind with yourself. The fact you are here, on this site? That says a lot of good things about you. This site isn't for the weak of heart, or people who don't understand commitment and hard work.

[Rain75]

This is a process. Be truly gentle and kind with yourself. The fact you are here, on this site? That says a lot of good things about you. This site isn't for the weak of heart, or people who don't understand commitment and hard work.

Oh Ancaire how right you are. DBing or even trying to attempt it is not for everyone.

And I like how you sweetly described your pain and angst as you perhaps having your own tantrum. it was/is hell on wheels. And thanks for saying my reply wasn't that bad. I was pretty upset with myself about it.

But yes. We live and we learn and we try to move on.

I read a meme today that for whatever reason made me feel better....

Forgiving you is my gift to you
Moving on is my gift to myself

I hope you're having a good day. I have been so engrossed reading self help books and t034s threads today but I need to catch up on my peeps threads

[Rain75]

Hi Pink....how have you been?

Pink, the "why's" are horrible. I know that I will never understand why. I know I can not get answers to the why's from an insane man. And yet they run through my mind all the time.

You said him looking for girls on hook up sites may mean he is lonely. But he brushed off seeing the kids to do that so i say he is just a horny teenager in the body of a 39 y.o.

Today he came to drop off $ and saw the kids for an hour. First thing he did was pick up our son and tell him while smiling at me...wow son you look more and more like mommy every day. Hmph!

Then also while here he told me (because you know, he is just so very classy) that he was "flirting" to make himself feel better because those girls don't know him and only have nice things to say and aren't talking about his A or his OW or making him feel bad about himself and what he's done.

That I am always miserable and can never enjoy what we do have outside of his A. In my mind everything was a lie due to A so yep i was sad. Sorry!

I about lost it. But I didn't, I just kept nodding my head like if what he was saying was so amazing and ground breaking. Even held eye contact.

When he saw that I wasn't taking the bait he stopped talking and then I went to my room.

After the hour he said he had to go. I thanked him for seeing the kids and said good bye.

And yes!! What is it with all of the "I want peace" when I never contact you. And telling me his life is in a shambles and his car and home are too and he needs to concentrate on himself and be happy. Um, okay! But I thought i was the reason your life was hell and I've been gone and mostly dark except for the rough start lol. But beyond responding when he initiates about the kids he doesn't hear from me or see me or see my name pop up on his phone.

And I think he may be an MLCer as of he had a loss in his family right before he "needed" and missed his ex soooooo badly he had to F up our life and family.

You always sound so grounded Pink, so strong. I want to get there too. Im sick of this. Im sick of crying over a man that cares nothing for me. Of missing a man that no longer exists. Being heart broken over someone that so easily and happily shattered me.

I have not spoken to a lawyer. But I did receive the paperwork to fill out for child support. I was hesistant as I know how upset he would be and I didn't want to push him further away. However!! Now that I know that he spends money like a child I have started filling in the packet and will be sending it in.

Why should I be worried about him being angry or too broke to pay his bills because it seems as if they will take a lot more than his ow convinced of. He isn't worried enough to spend responsibly and I need to know my chidlren are being taken care of.

I may have a client for next month and have put the word out to friends and family.

And yes I need to let go and I definitely need to find my way to detach myself.

Thank you and ((pink))

[Rain75]

Hey there 25years,

I meant alone in the romantic-partner sense.

I know that I have my beautiful babies and God and all of my new friends here on the BB that have both given me a little of my sanity back and stopped me from going to jail.

And before his crazy started we did decide together about having more children (and we did) and buying a house by the time they started school and where we would go on our family vacation this year and next year and more. We were a team. Or at least I thought we were, but I also thought he loved me so that goes to show just how much I "know".

Yes. He never married me. That makes me feel like a loser. This is very hard to hear. But its true. He never married me.

Maybe if I remind myself of that I can finally let him go in my heart.

[inpain]

Azzork is right... it seems like he is living it up and got the better deal, but he is losing so much more in the end. These are precious years with his children that will never be gotten back. Someday he is going to be sorry for every moment he willingly threw away, while you will have been there every step of the way. He is to be pitied...not envied.

Love this Annab74! I need to remind myself of this too - often!