Decided to make a new thread, as the hurricane has heated up. Just to catch up, W and I separated. W in PA. D2, stays 50% with both of us. Over christmas week, was contacted by OM. Told him to gtfo of my relationship, or his wife will know. OM complies. W goes super erratic for a week or two. Starts becoming chatty. I learn from OM that W had recently reached out to an old friend who's a DJ that she used to work for in high school. She says she just needed someone to talk to. I don't buy it. Wife continues to be chatty via text/snapchat. Last night, get a strange "Ok Baby" text from W. I ask her about it. States it was "accidentally" sent through voice text. I know phones and technology, this is not possible. Wife spews and deflects a bit. I validate, and then stfu. No contact today, besides W reminding me we have tumbling with D2 tonight. We both go. We have almost no conversation besides a couple of little chit chats. I don't trust her. I believe she's started yet another relationship. And.........I feel it's time to file for divorce, as I don't believe this can be saved anymore. Just need to focus on myself and D2 and GTFO. So, there we are.
Nate, I'm looking at your signature and see that W moved out 1.5 months ago. If that is the case, I think it's wayyyyy early to think about D. Look at which boundaries you can set up so you don't feel disrespected, but filing for a D where you're at is rash and premature, IMO.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I'm on month 3 after BD, and really the last week where I think she might file. Every day you can be DB'ing, is a day you'll be stronger when the time comes - either she will file, or you might.
I would take Painter's opinion. It sounds like you're upset that there might be OM#2. It would crush me as well. If OM#1's love is still in her heart, it might take some time, but if he's truly turning his life around and going back to his marriage, give your W some time to rid herself of the fog.
My wife is spewing at me almost every time she talks with me. I have limited talking to her right now. Her world is crumbling, but she can't see it all in focus yet. Her fog will take months to get rid of - if she wants to get rid of the fog.
Right now, both your W and my W are looking for their next hit of love potion #9.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Nate, my H was in a secret friendship turned EA for about 2 years with OW before I found out by chance. (OW was an old flame from decades ago when H was single, she was with someone else at the time, so unfinished business, it seems.)
The EA turned into a secret PA for 4 months (all the time, H is lying), then he ended the A and we reconciled.
4-5 months later (H can't say precisely), OW contacts him again (at least that's what he says), and it becomes an EA again for 7 months or so. I found out by chance right before Christmas.
He now says the A has burned out (my words but what he describes) and he wants to rebuild M.
So I'm starting on my 4th year, and H and I are more open and honest with each other than we have ever been, and we fight less than ever - even before the A. Will we make it? Not sure, but I don't want to divorce. I really don't want to.
That's where I'm coming from when I say 1.5 months is a very, very short time...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I get that. I had a coaching today. Wonderful coach Jody, very familiar with my sitch. She did tell me that dropping the rope is the best action at this time. I'm to send a text message basically saying this to wife. The W is in a full on bipolar episode from what my coach gets out of our conversation. She's an adulation junkie, and basically stringing me along. Waiting for me to our out the fire, so she can move to the next one. It's time to put down the hose. Her indiscriminate relationships that she chooses, is very very unattractive to me. I will be seeing a lawyer to make sure that my interests are protected, and to best protect the interests of my daughter. My wife had sent me some texts this morning to try and temp check me to which I have not responded. I'm going to draft the message, and post it here for review once I've got it.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
Yes, post the text. Don't send it until some of the vets give you their .02.
Proud of you, man. You're recognizing the situation, and thinking before reacting. You're leading with your head, and not your heart. Your heart is still feeling, though.
Feels good, doesn't it?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
It really does. I can say after catching her in a lie, it just completely shut me off. Maybe it's because I'm a former marine with combat experience, but, it just seems easier to shut off. Or maybe it's because she's stepped out 3x in 10 years that makes it easier. I don't know. But, I just know I'm tired of it. I have lots of friends, I'm only 36,and have a good physical appearance, and a great support system, so there's plenty to be confident about. I don't need this type of treatment, I'm better than that. She's a dumpster fire right now. She knows what she'd lose.
Last edited by NateG79; 01/07/1606:20 PM.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
So per coach talk, this is the rough draft of my NC text.
"After thinking about our conversation the other night, I hear that you are in emotional turmoil. I get it. I believe that keeping up our little friendly texts just keeps the wound open longer. I understand that you are not interested in having me as a husband, and I can respect that, and so I'm not going to attempt to keep up the obligations, emotions, or actions anymore that would indicate that's what I want. I think we both need to step back, and not talk to each other unless it includes coordinating things with our daughter. We both need time to focus on ourselves. I know you stated that text was an accident the other night, but I just don't believe that. If your need is to continue illicit dating, I won't be a part of that. I'm not interested in an open marriage, and quite frankly it's very unattractive to me, and provides me no motivation to pursue any kind of relationship. I'm sorry if this seems abrupt. I think it's necessary to do this, and maybe in a few weeks we can re-address and see what we want to do moving forward. I appreciate you giving me a chance to express this."
Thoughts?
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
Detaching means you don't care if she knows what she's going to lose.
Just a thought. You're right, I agree. Just your statements above tell me you're still attached to her, and can't let go.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
