I don't think this is necessarily an issue of gender.
In many ways I am the female version of you, and have struggled in both of my commited relationships with what you describe as male female dynamic. I hated feeling that my men were having "chore sex", made me feel completely rejected and whore/slut like. I found myself feeling ashamed of my desire and need for physical imitmacy, touch and passion.
I think there is something more complicated going on here. I would love to figure it out so I don't have to feel like I have to deny this aspect of myself.
What do you think?
Cheers Jellybxx
Sorry JulieH, I didn't want to max your thread out.
Zues - you've convinced me. I sure wish I'd had this insight years ago...things would be so very different now. Wow. Maybe I'll get a chance in the future to correct this wrong. Who knows?
Jelly - can't help you there. It really bites not having a drive anymore. But why on earth do you think the men were having chore sex? Men love it, can never get enough...it was a chore? Huh.
I agree with JellyB here. Not every man is built the same way Zues. Some men have a very low drive. And also don't want to talk. And not just since BD. And it hurts just as much when you are a woman who is rejected and denied sex over and over. It makes you feel rejected and ugly and unwanted and unloved. And angry. It is more complicated than a gender issue.
I agree with JellyB here. Not every man is built the same way Zues. Some men have a very low drive. And also don't want to talk. And not just since BD. And it hurts just as much when you are a woman who is rejected and denied sex over and over. It makes you feel rejected and ugly and unwanted and unloved. And angry. It is more complicated than a gender issue.
Fo neither of my partners had low sex drive. Something else was in play. I believe issues of power and control over meeting needs and levels of commitment and love.
I'm open minded on this. I addressed the ladies because I was talking to Painter, Ancaire, Julie, etc.
I fully acknowledge that there are women on the other side of the coin with sex.
I also full acknowledge that men need to take care of business in different ways with women that have different needs. I know I failed in this as a husband. NO DOUBT.
That all said...I am not sure that even sex starved women go through what I went through. I don't know if that's because men are simply wired differently. I don't know if it's because women can find sex anytime they want (not saying the would or could because they are still trapped in a marriage, but it DOES mean they didn't grow up on the a$$ end of a 'power dynamic'). I don't know I don't know I don't know. But I am still skeptical that it's the same. Kind of like being kicked in the groin would definitely still hurt women...but I'm not sure it would be the exact same experience.
Then again it's as impossible to compare pain as it is to compare the colors we all call blue. I'm open to the theory that it's identical. But it barely matters. Bottom line is that it's clear that rejection and lack of physical connection can mortally injure both genders. It doesn't matter if that pain digs deeper or not, it needs to be avoided for a healthy relationship. I fully agree these rules need to apply both ways, and in other areas besides just sex.
As to being the low drive spouse, I can't speak to why men would turn it away. A lot has been written on the subject, I never read up because for me that would've been like a homeless guy reading a book on stock investing. My only speculation is that there could be some other type of emotional need not being met or 'love buster' that was creating resentment and making him physically repulsed...OR, and what is probably more likely, is that the guy just is on the bottom end of the bell curve and tied to a woman that craves physical affirmation, and that the lower drive spouse begins a push/pull dynamic where they never want sex as a defense (like if they wanted it 1-2/week, and the high drive wanted it 3-4/week, maybe the low drive spouse would learn to dislike sex because time 3-4 was more work and pressure then it was worth or something).
Clearly I'm talking out my rear on this, I have no idea, other than one thing...the guy is a jerk. Whoever your guys were JB and Fo, they should've made sure you burning 1500 calories weekly.
Thanks for chatting about it.
Julie, can you start a new thread?
Last edited by Zues126; 01/07/1603:37 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
