Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

I couldn't do hormone replacement with the heart failure. I think trying to come up with some silent way to communicate was more than reasonable on my part. Why exactly do you disagree with that?

Hey Anc! I'm taking these out of order. For this, I don't know that I ever stated I have a problem with this. You say you 'never said no'...let me tell you, I can't really say how that would feel because it wasn't my reality. I communicated much more than silently without much success (although at times during our M XW was accommodating). So I salute you for that (not that I expect women to never say no)!

Read on, however, and I can elaborate more on why there is a difference between initiating and responding.

My hormones were gone, kaput! I had zero drive. Turning it into a nightly duty would have made it a chore. Does any H really want that? (Never mind, I know the answer is yes. LOL)

Yes, your H's want that. I heard that all the time from XW and it drove me insane. Let me ask:

Would your children like a cooked meal from you in the evening even if you had a long day?

Would you like your H to go to work so he could pay the bills even if he felt like sleeping in?

Not only does a man wants 'chore sex', it's not a turn off that you're not in the mood...in fact, it feels extremely loving because it shows that you care enough about him to take care of him and show him love even when it requires sacrifice.

I just asked him to let me know via a really simple, little act when he wanted to fool around. I never said, "no". I don't think of it spontaneously anymore. We used to be up for it at any time of day. My request was just to let me know if he was interested other than when it might be normally on the schedule, as stupid as that sounds...It was to be a silent "hint" that we go spend some time together. I loved my H. I wanted him to be happy. But on a physical level, the hysterectomy changed me. No getting around it. I attempted to come up with some way to keep it fun, and let me know it was playtime - because it just didn't happen on its' own anymore. A work-around, if you will.

Let me ask you two questions:

1) During your marriage, how much love did you have for your husband?

2) How much of that love would you like him to feel?

The mistake people make is not recognizing that there is a difference between these two questions. A wife might love her husband with all of her mind, heart, and soul...but if she doesn't make a healthy, vibrant, stimulating, passionate, and adventurous sex life a priority, he simply won't feel any of the love from her. This is why you hear couples arguing, where the H says "you don't love me" and the W says "yes I do!".

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you want your H to feel loved, you have to love him the way he feels love. And with most men, sex is required for him to even be open to feeling any of the other expressions of love you may show.

For a moment think of parenting. Suppose a woman wanted to be a mother, that was her life long dream. So her husband agrees to start a family. Now W is a mother, she is so happy. All day long she thinks about her children. She is involved with them. She plans their meals. She helps them with homework. She studies parenting techniques to help them grow strong and healthy. She protects them. This is important to her, central to who she is, it's her identity, her passion, her life.

So going back to 'chore sex', does she want a husband who will change some diapers even if they don't want to? Yes, of course. But suppose that husband said "you're the parent, I have no desire to be a parent, so you just let me know if you need any help with the kids"? At first that might be ok, she would ask for some help, he'd give it to her. But before long something would be missing...see, she doesn't just want 'help with the kids'. She wants a PARTNER. Someone to be a coparent. Someone to share her passion, share her interest, share her journey, and share her life. She wants a husband that will contribute to different parenting strategies, that spends time as a family and share in the delight it brings. And she wants a husband who gets excited around the holidays, dresses up as santa, and makes them light up and feel all of the love the parents have together all at once.

Well ladies...replace children with sex. For millions of years we've been programmed this way. Women desire children to raise and nurture. Men desire the act of creating babies. This is why we're still around. And men feel about sex a lot like women feel about babies. Both in importance, passion, and in how it defines who they are, and how much of their life is centered around it.

I mentioned earlier that a man wants 'chore sex'. Of course we do. The same way you want your H to provide for the children when he doesn't feel like it. But to really allow a man to feel your love, you have to realize that when you marry a man you are making the same commitment to a fulfilling sex life that he is making to being a parent when you start a family. It must become a central part of HER life. It must become a passion. She should be learning ways to please men, spending hours asking about his fantasies, exploring each other's bodies, and finding new ways to put a smile on his face. And while chore sex can be ok week to week, just like a couple needs a vacation or a holiday to look forward to, there should be sexual 'holidays' planned out where he can come home to find the kids at MIL's and the W wearing a blindfold and langerie, or he should get a series of text messages hinting about the evening that she has planned over the weekend and letting things build, then rocking his world.

This isn't just some tip on an ideal marriage. It is absolutely required if a man is going to feel loved and cherished.

So chore sex 75% of the time, enjoyable engaged love making or pleasuring 15% of the time, and mind blowing exploration and adventure 10% of the time...that will make a man feel loved from his head to his toes, and he will be a puppy dog that will walk through fire to find ways to serve you forever.

Give up the last 10% and he will feel like you mean well, and in his head he knows you care, but he will feel like something is missing, and he'll feel misunderstood, and lonely, and like he settled.

Give up the other 90% and he'll feel like he's living in Hell on Earth, and will probably hope to get hit by a semi.


Yes, this is hard, hard work. It isn't always fun and easy. It doesn't always feel like what you want to do. But that is marriage. So I must go back...how much love do you want your husband to feel? Do you want him to feel lucky to have you as a partner, to walk around with a spring in his step all day, to look forward to serving you with and spending his days trying to find ways to make you feel like he does? Or are you ok trying to lower the bar lower and lower while he's feeling isolated, lonely, neglected, used, misunderstood, and not care as long as you make sure you keep getting what you want (until you realize that doesn't work because he starts acting out trying to send a message or deliberately sabatoging the marriage so you leave and he can find someone that he feels cares for him)?