Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

We had the MC session today and it was mind blowing. I'll start from the beginning:

My W shared that she has really noticed that something is different over the past 4 days and has been feeling the emotional distance. She was feeling some emotional pain in her heart that she wasn't sure how to articulate, but wanted to explore that.

I took my turn, and I shared candidly what has changed for me: 4 days ago, I came to realize that as much as I love her and wanted to work on saving the M, I realized that it just wasn't possible right now with all the trust issues and with the way that she has been acting. So I decided to let go of my W and shift into taking care of myself. I said that I have actually been feeling much better since this decision to let go (which is true) and that I also recognize that it would be wise to take things slowly and gently and not burn any bridges out of anger or fear, so that the process can unfold organically as we both learn whatever we need to from this experience. My W agreed and this became a point of alignment for the rest of the session.

My W then took at stab at articulating the emotional pain she has been feeling. She said that she is really scared about letting go herself because she feels like I have been the main anchor in her life. She is very frightened about what her life would be like without me, and she feels like if she lets go too, she will just fall forever and she doesn't know if she will ever land. The MC encouraged her to slow down, breathe, and realize that she is supported by kind people around her, including me. The MC encouraged her that now would be a good time to slow down, stop looking for an anchor outside herself, stop trying to escape, and focus on doing the inner work to find an anchor within herself. My W admitted that she had never felt that before in her entire life and had always felt like she was a leaf being blown around by the wind of other people's decisions. She really wanted to change this, but couldn't imagine how.

I took this opportunity to state my support for what the MC was saying. I told her that I would be OK no matter what happens and that I was feeling a different kind of love for my W in that moment. I genuinely wanted my W to have the opportunity to experience finding an anchor in herself so that she could finally experience the freedom of really choosing what she wanted instead of feeling blown around like a leaf in the wind by others' decisions. This allowed me to clearly see how my holding onto the M was interfering with a natural process that was unavoidable. I could see how we are in exactly the right place now that I am letting go. The MC agreed with me and encouraged us to both continue letting go, focusing on ourselves, and resisting any urges to escape or avoid the pain.

My W then proceeded to share something that surprised both me and the MC: She said that things have changed between her and the OM. As soon as it was no longer a secret for her to contact the OM, as soon as I had let her go, there was no longer any M to escape from. She finally felt the freedom to choose what she wanted, but realized that she had no idea what she wanted! She is no longer certain whether or not she is really interested in the OM. They have been in contact, but it is different - friendly but not romantic, she says. Something has changed.

The MC was very curious about this and they explored it further. What came to light is that much of the excitement that was motivating her to pursue the affairs was the very act of rebellion and secrecy. The MC encouraged my W to see how this was rooted in father issues. My W shed many tears as she admitted the truth of this pattern. Her emotions have been dominated by unresolved childhood stuff, and the MC asked her to imagine what it would be like if she was finally free to choose what she wanted for herself, not out of a reaction to others whom she is projecting those childhood patterns onto, but out of a true sense of who she really is as an individual and what she really wants, out of freedom. My W wanted this so badly, but could see she needed a lot of help. It was a very powerful moment and I am honored to have witnessed it.

For me, this provided all the answers I could have ever asked for. One of the hardest things for me in the past 2 months has been that I just haven't been able to understand how my W could possibly betray me in the way that she did. Now I think I am beginning to understand. It's really complex how emotions work, and how these unconscious childhood patterns can run your life. I am seeing the possibility of forgiving her now that I am starting to understand what's going on. I have no idea where this train is going, but I'm glad to see that it is finally moving.

By the end of the session, my W was in complete agreement with the MC that the right thing to do is take it slow, put the M recovery work on pause, and focus on ourselves. My W was no longer saying "it's over" like she was several days ago when we last talked about the R, but it's clear that something much bigger is going on here and that all bets are off. My sense is that we will come out of this very different people from who we were before. I feel clearer than ever about continuing to let go. Now I also feel like I understand what my W is going through, and I can even support it from a distance.

Wow. Feeling grateful.