He was actually good about it - asked me my thoughts. I shared them (stupidly) and it got turned to us. Partially my fault because *of course* I see a connection, similarity and the pathology at work here. And frankly, I've been a teen girl and struggled with nearly the exact same scenarios (which almost seemed to shock him), but he reacted by saying I was being controlling (by sharing my past and my concerns??)
The problem is that you are unable to see past your pain, resentment, and frustration with his behavior, so you continue to think that all the problems in your relationship and family are directly tied to the things about your husband you dislike. And because porn is considered a sin in your religion you then think that means God is on your side, you are right, he is wrong, and everything is his fault, and if he would only turn to God and become the person you want him to be than everything would be all better.
I don't know how to say this any more clearly...this outlook is poison to a relationship and is WORSE than porn.
So if sharing your feelings means continuing to spew this narrative, then no, it's not going to be helpful to your relationship or your co-parenting. And until you let this go, even if your husband quit porn and became husband of the year, your marriage simply won't work, because it takes two people to make a marriage work and it would still be one short.
At what point can you drop the score card and understand that he feels your attitude and behavior is either worse than anything he's done or is merely a coping mechanism he's using to deal with a critical, judgmental, and borderline abusive spouse? He has his own list of imperfections about you that he feels are the cause of the marital breakdown. He has his own narrative.
Sure, you can dismiss this and simply declare yourself 'right' because that's how you feel. I'm sure he has plenty of problems you could point to, and to be fair, I'm sure he too wields his education, and background, and his title, to insist that HE is right and YOU are wrong. So he is wrong to do this too. But I'm not talking to him, I'm talking to you.
You guys are stuck in a bad, bad cycle. You can't count on him to break it. You can either understand that you are both being destructive and ask God for help to transcend your narrow view and limited perspective and lead by example, or you can keep doing the same dance, watch your marriage fail, and then blame your ruined life on him to your friends and family for the next decade or two.
Act with the character you wish he had. If you can't do it, how do you expect him to?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
