Focus on my own life

[focus22]

So, yesterday was interesting.

I got another text from my H. And then actually had a conversation by text with him.

Paraphrasing...

Him: Hope you're OK. There are 'some things' I need urgently from the house. If I don't hear anything from you, I'll be round later. If there's a time that works better for you let me know (he called the house by our nickname for it).

Me (sent a variation of what I had written above): I think you are quite right about it being easier on us both if we didn't have to see each other at this point in time And thank you for being understanding about me perhaps not wanting to talk to you. Having given it some thought, I'm not entirely comfortable with your suggestion. I would prefer to pass the things you need at the moment to someone else, and have you pick them up from there. I can do this with the rest of your belongings too

Long pause from him.

Then him: Thank you for your message; seems a reasonable thing to ask, but it's a awful lot for you to do. If there was an hour when you weren't in (calling my house by our nickname for it again) I could let myself in to get the things I need today or tomorrow and then the rest of my things more gradually, like you say. Think this would be quicker and easier. I know how much value you put on your own space and I respect that.

Me: As I say, I have thought about it and I am not comfortable with that.

Him: Fine. Can someone come over this evening.

Me: Sorry, no. Not enough notice. Please read my text again and message me a list of times and dates; I will choose the one that I can manage and let you know which one it is.


Him: If you suggested a time I can get someone to turn up. If it's in the next few days that would be good.

I didn't reply to that.


My thoughts? Throws an entirely different light on his Christmas eve 'how are you, this is what I'm up to on Christmas day (nothing much)' text he sent me.

It now sounds like he was realising he needed stuff from the house and was thinking a nice, friendly, reaching out text might butter me up a bit. And I feel a bit used and manipulated by that.

Glad I waited a few days before texting back to that one and that I said something a bit vague. And also glad I had an answer figured out for these latest rounds of texts.

What does this all sound like? I don't know if I'm willing to dance to his tune (suggest a time and then he'll find someone to come round). To be honest, I feel like I have an awful lot of other priorities in my life at the moment and things I'd rather be thinking about and using my energies for. A lot of them are quite big things that need a lot of headspace and energy too.

This is also feeling like some shift in dynamic (hopefully) from me and in the way we've related since forever.

The downside of it all was that I clearly found it pretty stressful. Was feeling a bit ropey yesterday beforehand, but started feeling really ill at the point where he tried to come back at me. When I got home last night, I got a flash of anger and wanted to chuck all his stuff out right there and then.

And today I feel dreadful, so drained.

Anyway, I'd really welcome your thoughts and any ideas you might have. Thank you.

[Ancaire]

First, this is normal. You've been away from him for a while and had developed a lovely routine of your own. H suddenly dropping back in and making thinly veiled demands upsets that balance you had going. Just realize it's normal - just part of the upset that goes along with all this crap.

Second, stick to your plan. He doesn't have the right anymore to insist he gets his way. If there a things he needs urgently, he needs to tell you what they are, and you can get them together for him, and place them with a mutual acquaintance.

His offer to "send someone around" is his attempt to control the situation. He's not going to be happy now that he realizes you took control back. None of the WAS ever are. They really live by the belief the world revolves around them.

I truly believe the sooner you box up his things and get them out of your house, or in some storage area, the better you're going to feel. It's really hard to do, though. I cried plenty moving H's stuff out of MBR. It really brings it home all this is final. But now that his stuff is out, I have the space all to myself, and I'm happy. Having his things here, without him, made me feel his loss intensely.

It also hit him when he saw what I'd done. He began to get an inkling I was starting to move on. He immediately started acting like a jerk in order to get control back.

Focus, it's all part and parcel of the situation. Allow yourself to acknowledge the feelings, and work through them. The only successful way to get to the other side of this, is to go through it. Any shortcuts, and you're only cheating yourself. It'll come back. Feel, deal, and move on.

That's all I've got right now.

[Mona52]

Nerves of steel are a thing of the past I believe. I have yet to find any when I text my H. So hang in there, it is just the way it is now. You were amazing! You held your ground when most of us would have been terrified of hurting their feelings. This is exactly what you need to do and you pulled it off spectacularly.

Take those other priorities and focus on them. He will react great and play by your rules, or he wont. You can not control him, so look at what you can control.

Great job!

[focus22]

Ancaire, thank you so much.


I'm going to take time to absorb your post and comment on it. But at the moment, I feel like I'm going to explode...what the heck is up with some people?!!

So, I'm taking time to absorb what went on yesterday and how it's made me feel. I'm also actually sort of having a day off because I feel so ill and exhausted.



Another text this morning, suggesting a couple of different times (this evening and tomorrow all afternoon).

I'd already mentioned about the short notice thing yesterday (also, I want to give him more of his stuff than just what he wants).

And then, just as I'm managing to drift off to sleep, another text saying he'd had a chat with someone he works with about stuff. Sh is going to have a chat with me about some of my own work - and while she's at it, if I could bring her his passport. Nothing else is apparently quite as urgent (he mentioned tax, car stuff blah blah blah in one of his previous texts to me).

Haven't replied yet. Really don't know what to say.

Just want to tell him to eff off.

[focus22]

Nerves of steel are a thing of the past I believe. I have yet to find any when I text my H. So hang in there, it is just the way it is now. You were amazing! You held your ground when most of us would have been terrified of hurting their feelings. This is exactly what you need to do and you pulled it off spectacularly.

Take those other priorities and focus on them. He will react great and play by your rules, or he wont. You can not control him, so look at what you can control.

Great job!

Oh my goodness, really?!

Thank you so much

I must remind myself of all of that, over and over and over again. And especially this:

You can not control him, so look at what you can control.

[Ancaire]

Focus - You've amazed me ever since you arrived here. Calm, elegant, and mostly in control of yourself. Me? A hysterical wreck - I still break down regularly. Just did again about an half hour ago.

And yet you, cooly and firmly answer his demands with polite grace. I think you're pretty spectacular.

He's attempting to wrest control of the situation regarding his things. I said it before - the world revolves around him, in his mind. He's not the person you knew. He's a selfish shadow of the original. Some people say it's like a mirror effect - the complete opposite of what you once knew. In my case, it's not always that extreme, but selfish? OMG, yes.

Selfish, arrogant, entitled, and willing to mow down anyone in the way of their desires, their needs. The rest of us? We are support staff. Here for their pleasure.

But I will suggest - the sooner you get rid of his things, the fewer excuses he will have to contact you and make his demands. Something to think about. Maybe shove it all in a trunk, willy-nilly, and tell him to come pick it up at the curb? LOL

[focus22]

Thank you, darling Ancaire. What you said, it made me cry...seriously.

I've been putting together my storyboard of how I want to see my life this coming year/the future for my IC session on Saturday. There are pictures, words and phrases in there, and elegance was one of the words I chose.

I totally understand what you're saying about his stuff. I'm getting there in my head. This afternoon I could picture myself going through the shelves and removing all of his books, videos, CDs. I was also imagining how it would feel. Clothes I still feel a bit overwhelmed by at the moment. But that will change soon I think.

I called a friend as well after he texted the second time today (something I never would have done in the past) and she gave me some really good ideas as to how I can reclaim my space even more: redecorating and moving the furniture around. I feel very positive about this and am looking forward to doing it.

My friend also suggested keeping all communication with him very reasonable, helpful and positive on my part, particularly regarding any documents and possessions. This is for legal reasons, should I ever need to refer back to any of this at any point in the future.

At the moment our communication is entirely by text, which is fine, as there's a record of it.

I feel very, very ill today. Drained and ill. I've spent the day in bed (which is fine, considering I only had 2 days off work in December and I've been walking 10k most days).

[Ancaire]

Maybe you really are ill. Exhaustion and stress will do a number on your physical body. It sounds like you needed a rest day.

Regarding his clothes? If it makes you uneasy to touch them, call a friend and have them come help you pack it up. They can deal with the clothes aspect, while you deal with the other stuff.

Having company might make it an easier chore. It will certainly make it go much more quickly.

I love your friend's suggestion about redecorating to reclaim your space! That is a fabulous idea!

Your body may be telling you it's time to be kind to yourself. Slow down. Get some rest. This entire thing is exhausting, isn't it?

You're doing amazingly well. I'm really happy for you.

[ARose]

I went through a period of about 6 weeks in Nov-Dec of extreme exhaustion, I think it was my body's way of telling me to slow down and process what was happening to me. I also thought I was extremely depressed, but then it seemed to have passed and now I am doing much better. Maybe sometimes we need to slow down and work through our emotions before we can continue forward.

I like the idea of redecorating. Even just moving some things around and adding some new artwork or some flowers, something to make it your own. Actually, I have just this second decided to do that next week after my H leaves. And he is supposedly coming home, so that might be wrong of me but I'm doing it anyway.

And good for you for standing your ground with the texts. I am proud of you!

[Mona52]

Judy gave you good advice that I cant follow myself...

I have yet to pack up our bedroom. We both moved out of the apartment. I still have to move everything out of our bedroom, but every time I walk in there, it is just draining, and I am too busy to be drained.

But she was so right. If you can just get rid of his stuff, it will feel like a weight is lifted you did not even know was there.

Just pack one thing at a time until it is all gone. Vent on here if you need to.