WW, My Addiction, Patience is HARD

[trumpet]

As soon as I got home last night, the attack was on. In front of the kids, lots of cutting words. She started to make fun of me, and offered the food I was making for myself to the kids. I was fine with it.

I actually started laughing, her verbal attempts to hurt me are coming off like a 9 year old. I shouldn't have laughed... but I couldn't stop myself. I did fan the flames a bit with that, but her actions are just SOOOO absurd right now. I recognize now that she's so conflicted inside that she's lashing out, thinking I can somehow help her by interacting, even at an anger level. I choose to not participate.

I did bring home some papers on divorce in the state of WI - she saw me bring them home, and ripped them out of my hand in the basement - thank God the kids weren't around. I said nothing. Just got the papers back, and continued making supper.

I left last night for a couple hours, got a coffee, talked to my brother - he's been my rock through this, and being a cop on 3rd shift for 10 years, dealt with sitch like mine all the time. He has great advice, and supports the tactics in divorce remedy. I came home at 9PM and kissed the kids goodnight, and didn't say a word to the wife. She didn't start a conversation, which I was happy about.

I grabbed all my self-help books, divorce remedy, papers, and my laptop, and now carry them to work with me. Still have scratches on my arm from a couple nights ago from her - but it's not a big deal. I hope I don't get any more - staying away from her as much as possible.

I'm beginning to think that even if she doesn't file this week, that there is a part of me now that wants out. I'm not going to burn the marriage bridge, but she communicates so poorly in our relationship, and is dealing with so much that she's never faced head-on, that she's going to have to burn down to nothing and rebuild, both her and the marriage.

I keep on thinking it's wrong to think like that, but I've detached enough, and losing/lost my addiction to porn, I now realize what I need in a marriage, what I need in a wife, to make me happy, and what I need to do to make a spouse happy.

I can only work on what I can control, and that's myself. My emotions no longer control me. Be a rock for my kids. Don't say anything negative about mom in front of the kids. Read Sandi's rules every morning. Read my Bible. Pray. Talk to my brother. Vent here a bit. Listen to others in my sitch - thanks to all who post!

My relationship with my kids is the best it's ever been.
I'm the healthiest I've been in 10 years.
I'm getting sleep - 7 hours a night.
And I'm back to talking with friends I neglected for years.
I'm disappointed my achilles hasn't healed very fast, but tendons typically take time. I have a sports medicine appt. that maybe will give me new info and some PT to get me back to running form. Hoping to do a 5K in March.

Starting a 2 hour weekly session with some other guys in a hidden addiction men's therapy - kind of like AA. 32 weeks. Sharing ideas, helping each other. I'm excited to go. It makes me laugh that I'm excited - who would want to go to AA? But it does, and I think it's healthy.

Very blessed and thankful for where I'm at. In the midst of the tempest, I have found peace.