I am also finding it to be a fine line between detaching and going dark/ cold. Or is it just me not quite understanding the difference? I re read the rules and detachment forums everyday to understand more and remember it. I'm just wondering if it is a fine of line as I am currently thinking
This is just my opinion about going dark. I don't think it can be done, successfully, if you are still living together and have children. Going dark (the resort after the last resort, as described by MWD), means they never see you, never hear from you, and it's as if you fell off planet earth. How can you do that when living together? You can't. You may think you are going dark, but your spouse sees you as just being grumpy, moody, withdrawn, pouting, angry, etc. The only way you can truly go dark is to live apart and have no sort of swapping kids between you where you see each other, no co-parenting communication, etc. And......don't even get me started with this so-called "gray".
When a LBH who lives with his W thinks he's going dark one day and not so dark the next is getting anywhere with the R, he is sadly mistaken. It is doing nothing more than giving her ammunition to twist everything around and turn it on him. Which isn't hard for a WW. Again, I am referring to living under the same roof together. If you want to physically S and never contact or see her again, that would be "going dark".
My advice is to forget the going dark, at the moment, and just focus on detaching. Going dark requires physically removing yourself from her life.....and can't do it under the same roof. Detaching is all about how you think in relationship to her. It is a mental attitude. You can sit right beside her and be emotionally detached.
I think a lot of people confuse detaching and going dark. Hope I didn't make it worse by giving you what I interpret as going dark. I've noticed a lot of newcomers making the same mistake, and I think it may come from that link they read.....but again, TJMHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
