So, as for my sitch, and the advice I'm having trouble digesting, this is the crux of where I'm stuck:
In the last few days, I have made a really good shift into letting go of my need to be emotionally connected to my W. When I said "this is really hard for me" I was not doing so in an attempt to pursue or try to emotionally connect. I was just giving her a status update so as not to leave her completely in the dark. She wanted to know where I was at, so I told her. But I don't want or need support from her anymore. Same thing when I text her "I'm coping as best I can". She was temperature checking. I was honest. Yes, it's really hard for me. But I don't need her support anymore. I am getting it elsewhere. As I mentioned previously, I am very ambivalent myself now about wanting to save the M. I have snapped out of it and I see how poorly she has treated me. I don't want to be back with this crazy woman. I was very close to pulling the trigger and accelerating the D process myself, but the folks here convinced me that it's worth taking it slow. So that's what I have been doing.
I'm not (yet) convinced that it's in my best interest to ACT as though I'm detached when I'm not actually detached. If I was to do that, then what would my intention be? I don't really have a genuine intention to save my M anymore. If I did, then I would still be attached to some hope. My intention is that I want to be a good man, respectful and loving toward her, but not for reasons of wanting to save the M. I want to be a good man because I want to feel proud of myself when I look back at how I handled all of this. Being a good man means not being manipulative. Acting as though I'm detached, totally fine, getting on with my life, would be dishonest. I am still in hell, not because I need my W back, but because my life has been turned upside down and that is not fun. The one thing I CAN be honest about is the fact that I have let go of needing to work it out with my W.
I have been uncertain about how to respond when my W temperature checks, when she comes back seeing affection and closeness. I like what Sandi said about acting in accordance with what a "trial separation" really looks like. This is respectful of myself as well as my W. I think I can do that while still being loving. It is a more distant form of love, out of respect for our need to move on. I think I can do this.
Im not trying to be a dick, so please dont take this the wrong way:
Given everything you said up here, why are you bothering to go to marriage counseling?
If youre already done with trying to save the marriage, why does it matter how you respond to your wife when she temp checks you?
