Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

So, as for my sitch, and the advice I'm having trouble digesting, this is the crux of where I'm stuck:

In the last few days, I have made a really good shift into letting go of my need to be emotionally connected to my W. When I said "this is really hard for me" I was not doing so in an attempt to pursue or try to emotionally connect. I was just giving her a status update so as not to leave her completely in the dark. She wanted to know where I was at, so I told her. But I don't want or need support from her anymore. Same thing when I text her "I'm coping as best I can". She was temperature checking. I was honest. Yes, it's really hard for me. But I don't need her support anymore. I am getting it elsewhere. As I mentioned previously, I am very ambivalent myself now about wanting to save the M. I have snapped out of it and I see how poorly she has treated me. I don't want to be back with this crazy woman. I was very close to pulling the trigger and accelerating the D process myself, but the folks here convinced me that it's worth taking it slow. So that's what I have been doing.

I'm not (yet) convinced that it's in my best interest to ACT as though I'm detached when I'm not actually detached. If I was to do that, then what would my intention be? I don't really have a genuine intention to save my M anymore. If I did, then I would still be attached to some hope. My intention is that I want to be a good man, respectful and loving toward her, but not for reasons of wanting to save the M. I want to be a good man because I want to feel proud of myself when I look back at how I handled all of this. Being a good man means not being manipulative. Acting as though I'm detached, totally fine, getting on with my life, would be dishonest. I am still in hell, not because I need my W back, but because my life has been turned upside down and that is not fun. The one thing I CAN be honest about is the fact that I have let go of needing to work it out with my W.

I have been uncertain about how to respond when my W temperature checks, when she comes back seeing affection and closeness. I like what Sandi said about acting in accordance with what a "trial separation" really looks like. This is respectful of myself as well as my W. I think I can do that while still being loving. It is a more distant form of love, out of respect for our need to move on. I think I can do this.

I'm still uncertain about how much I should say in our MC session today. I have no idea where it will go... will update tonight.