Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

Ancaire, your BD was 8 '15 which means that you've only been doing this for about 2 months longer than me. You seem WAY ahead of me in the process. I do feel like I was somewhat better before he decided to take me back for 12 days only to jerk the rug out from under me again. I am struggling to get my feet back under me so I will be at least as far along as I was before those 12 days, but I just can't seem to get it. I found out this morning that he is talking to OW again. I knew it would happen, I just knew it.....but, I was hoping that for once I would be WRONG! He started talking to her and then dumped me. Then after a period of no contact, he saw me and immediately dumped her. Now, he has again dumped me and a week later is talking to her. WTF?!?! How am I supposed to make any sense of that? I know that I am trying to make sense out of nonsense, but I just don't understand how someone can have their head that far up their ass that they don't even care if they hurt the person that they said they loved.

I honestly just feel like I'm sinking down farther and farther into this black pit that I will never get out of. The first time I was so hurt and numb and felt desperate to get him back. Since he's done this to me a second time, I still feel those feelings, but I also feel such anger, depression and betrayal. I mean, I was willing to work through everything after he did it to me the first time. He said he was sure that he wanted to be with me forever and that he was sorry. Even admitted he knows how wrong it was and apologized profusely. Then, it was like he just simply said OOPS, JUST KIDDING. I don't want you after all.

I'm sorry. I know I sound like a depressing broken record. This is not me. I hate being this way and I really do try to break this cycle but I feel I'm getting worse not better. It just seems my mind is locked in this vicious circle and I can't seem to break it. I have an IC session in 45 min. I really hope he can help me. I just can't live this way.