New beginnings!

[Di-mond]

Ancaire,

I think I'm having trouble figuring out what I want.

Once upon a time I would have done pretty much anything to live with my husband again. He didn't want that, or me. It almost destroyed me, but I started to build myself up again from scratch. All this was done with no R in mind. I moved forward and did what was best for me, not what I thought would be best for a possible reconciliation. I had to make some really difficult decisions. I am still on a path forward, without my H for now.

I don't want a boyfriend, I want my H. I want to have a fully committed partnership, including living together. However, we can't always get what we want. For now, it is what it is. I go visit with my H every few weeks, then I go home. He does always introduce me as his wife to everyone we meet, including all his co-workers.

I don't even know how to approach thinking about living together again. Neither one of us is even remotely near that step yet. Both of us need more IC to figure out some of our issues.

It will never be the way it was. The house is sold. My whole life is very different from what it was the entire time we were together. Biggest thing for both of us has to be, him being less selfish and me being more selfish. Balance! It was an incredibly unbalanced relationship before.

The other issue H and I have is the animals. He does not like living with the animals. He said he could tolerate the dog and my oldest female cat but really would prefer no animals at all. I have had all the animals before we met and married. He knew how much they meant to me. Yes, sometimes they are a pain in the butt and annoying and frustrating and expensive, but I love them. I did manage to pare down my brood and gave the 2 youngest to my son to take care of. One kitty is exclusively my daughters. That leaves me with my 11 year old dog, 12 year old lady kitty and my 10 year old male kitty (problem child). I will not leave them, ever!! If I gave them up it would fundamentally change me as a person. I'm taking courses to go into the animal care field. This is what I have always been meant to do in my life, what I have always done. Rescue and take care of animals. In my life we have had over 20 dogs and over 50 cats. We would rescue, take care of, re-home on my moms 10 acre property. My mother and brother are the same way as me and my children are animal lovers as well.

I understand my H is not this way. He was raised as an only child by his widowed mom. The house was always perfect, with everything in it's place. Very clean and sterile, and very quiet. My house was always full of life and noise and mess. Again, we have to find a balance if we were to live together again. Something to worry about further down the road.