Separated- Wife in Emotional Affair

[Chris82]

I feel the need to ask though, and I know I can'r really trust anything she says. In terms of EA's that a wife insists that there is no PA. How often is that a lie?

I think I am being wise by assuming that they intend to or have already taken it to that level, I'm just curious.

[trumpet]

Chris,

I'm just happy to be here, man. So lucky I found this place.

Be thankful for something every day.

Take action every day. Action doesn't mean running a mile when you've never done it. Take a few steps. See where they take you. And take a few more tomorrow.

Post lots - Cadet's advice when I got here seemed pithy, like it was missing meaning. He just has been here enough to boil the fluff out of the advice. Sandi has probably seen it all. What's so amazing is that there are SOOOO many of us feeling and experiencing the SAME thing. The advice here WORKS. You just have to come to terms that the advice is for you, and not just some of it - all of it.

[Azzork]

I feel the need to ask though, and I know I can'r really trust anything she says. In terms of EA's that a wife insists that there is no PA. How often is that a lie?

I think I am being wise by assuming that they intend to or have already taken it to that level, I'm just curious.

Here's what helped me.

Lets say I assume theres no PA and find out there is. The result is that I am going to be hurt by the revelation again in the future.

On the other hand, lets say i assume there is a PA and find out there isnt. The result is that I may be happily surprised in the future.

The way you interact with WW is the same either way, so why not assume the worst? It'll all come out in the end anyway.

[Chris82]

Thanks Azzork.. Brilliantly and skillfully answered. You are right. My head is sometimes my greatest ally.. and other times my nemesis that knows my every tick. I appreciate it

I did look it up though and statistically speaking 70% of EA's become PA's at some point. That's a bold enough stat for me to assume the worst.

[mvgfwd2]

As many will say on here.

"Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do"

In the end an EA is just the beginning of a PA. It's all an A. So, in my view they are one and the same.

[Chris82]

So how will I know when the time is right to begin talking to her again? I know that this process is for myself and throughout our separation this past month I have made significant changes to my life that I am quite proud of. I have a feeling though that the NC will effect my wife a great deal as I have always been the type of person to be there for her in her time of need or just a chat, no questions asked.

When will I know when I should be receptive to her calls again or if she is just wanting another slice of cake? I want to remain resolute in my values and what I want out of life and in my marriage but I also don't want to put up a front that I am unapproachable and have written her off. I do still love her very much.

[Azzork]

So how will I know when the time is right to begin talking to her again?

You still need to TALK to her about the kids and logistics and such. Just not about life, relationship, feelings, etc.

You will know when it's time. Dont worry about it now.

[trumpet]

Chris,

She needs to feel the loss.
It will feel at first that you're being a jerk. My mind kept on thinking BUT I'M THE GOOD GUY, WHY? It's because she needs to feel a change in your relationship. She is giddy in love - or maybe close. The pull is some of the strongest stuff known to man, like superglue, or duct tape!

The tough part is when she notices, and starts to ask questions. Mine got angry at first. Then came the questions. Her mind raced that now I was having an affair, and she got PI**ED. I now see, looking back, that it was emotions fueling her day-to-day activities. The texts I found from OM kept saying that they were the highlight of each other's day - that they LIVED to hear from their pen pal. It really is like an addiction.

If she's off the drug, she still wants the high of the attention. She might turn to you, but really, she's looking to just keep the fire going with plan A. Temperature check with you, yep, you're still there, back to her regurarily scheduled program, also known as Plan A.

I am so proud of you for making changes - now make the STICK. Keep it up - make the changes not just a change but a foundation of you, a cornerstone of who you are.

You WANT the NC to have an effect - that's awesome to know it will get her attention!

It will be very hard NOT to be her safety net. Remember, she has decided someone else was a better safety net than you. It's ok to be angry about that, but she can't see that right now. She just has to know that you just took your net and went home.

I got a little glimpse of my wife being humble and wanting to work on the R when she stopped the EA - it took about a week, and I saw the glimpse, and that she started to call and text me, and how she approached the conversations.

Tread lightly when you see that - and come back for advice when that happens. I made my biggest mistakes in that time, thinking she was back for good, but I went too fast, and demanded lots of things, which drove her away again. Still working to heal from that toe-stub. But I'm working on me, and really detaching now.

[mvgfwd2]

I think the time would be around the time she ends the A and has a real desire to work on the M.

[Chris82]

Thanks Trumpet,

I really align with what you are saying. It IS hard to not be her safety net. As an oblivious husband that actually thought things were improving once the fighting began to stop I was always used to just being there. But you are correct. She fired me. I just want to avoid any talk of the A if at all possible. I certainly don't want to ask her "So have you ended it with OM?".

I'm clearly interested and excited to see what all I can accomplish with the newly found freedom. Even though this NC today and most of yesterday is a drop in the bucket, I've heard from 2 of my closest friends telling me shes texted them asking if they've heard from me today.

I know that without her taking the time to fix her own troubles on her own that we wouldn't have a fighting chance as a couple. And you're right.. I do feel like a jerk at times when she texts me and I don't respond. I think you are like me in that you just have a soft spot for your spouse even if they are openly pooping on us. But I will stay strong and give this all the time it needs to unfold.