Mona, you're going to be shocked. I don't feel that badly. I wish I hadn't done it, because it reinforces his negative view of me. I apologized. I told him I was shocked I had all that bubbling beneath the surface.
Then we went on to calmly discuss what I went in there for in the first place. I'm working very hard with him to come up with an amicable agreement. I just want out of here. I know I should hold out for all I can - but this situation is untenable. I don't want to do it anymore.
His attacks hurt me. I just want to figure out my needs, get him onboard, and move on and start taking care of myself. He was under the impression I was trying to get him to have to pay for me forever.
I don't know why he thought that. He made an assumption based on me looking into disability, I think. It had nothing to do with him. I didn't know for sure if I wanted to go ahead and acknowledge that I'm unhealthy and go that route, or if I wanted to grab life by the tail and grab on for the ride.
I've since made up my mind I want to put plans in place that get me healthy and taking care of myself. I'll need help to get there. He calmed way down once I managed to convince him I wasn't dragging my feet in order to screw him over. I don't want him to be linked to me forever by force.
After checking into government aid, I decided it is more trouble than it was worth. If I can get to a point of health I can manage on my own, it'll be far, far better for me. And I get to keep my pride and self-respect. I just wasn't sure for a while which would be the best way to begin.
I plan to ask him for reasonable help to get me into my own place, support while I get healthy enough to work full-time, and then start needing less each year until I'm fully self-reliant. He wasn't aware of that, because until I decided recently that there would be no "working it out", I had no real plan in place.
Once I accepted the inevitable, I started coming up with concrete goals and ideas. It took as long as it took for me to accept we were going to be divorced. It made him angry it wasn't on his timetable, but that's too damn bad. He blindsided me, and forced me down a path I never saw coming. I've raised 5 children, moved over and over and over again, to support his career. He owes me help to get on my own two feet. He's just mad about it.
I think his plan was to put me out with nothing, and drop me off at my mother's house. I decided that's not what I want, and not what I'm going to do. I'm showing some backbone, finally.
I'm not all that mad. Sad that it came to this, but excited for the opportunities coming my way. I'm going to address issues I've been putting off once and for all. I'm going to get myself in a position that I am never, ever this helpless again. I'm going to lose weight I actually put on to hide in the background. I'm going to be the best I can be. I am going to have a great life - with or without H.
No matter what the future brings, this is best for me. I'm excited and ready to get started. Most of my friends will suggest I take him to court for everything I'm legally due. I just don't want to do that - not for him. For me.
Speaking of MLC, during his spew yesterday, I was flat-out stunned by the way he's rewritten our past together. He was telling me about different kids' events he thinks he went to by himself. I promise you, that never happened. I was there, for every single one. But he absolutely doesn't remember me being there.
He was pointing out one event in particular I have crystal clear memory of. He was insisting he was by himself. I told him, no, he wasn't, I was there. He asked, "Well, where were you sitting, then?" My lovely response? "I was sitting right next to you, moron!" You should have seen the look on his face! I don't know if he was more shocked I was there, and he couldn't remember, or if he was shocked I was calling him names.
Since the fight, we've exchanged pleasant texts and e-mails. We discussed a few things face to face very politely. I meant it when I apologized. I didn't mean to go off like that. After I cleared up the assumptions he was incorrectly making, he got a lot nicer, too. He's run a few errands for me. I'd say we're interacting very pleasantly now. Better than we have in a long while.
The fact I'm ready to move on has taken so much pressure off him. It's taken a lot off me, too. Until his brain comes back online, I'll be the enemy. I don't deserve that position, or want it. I'm kind, will continue to be kind, and will treat him with respect and ...kindness! LOL
