Here again after 9 years and struggling

[ciluzen]

It sounds like you are still very focused on him. I can see why when he cries on the phone with your S. I know you would do anything for your child. The best thing you can do it to focus on yourself and not on H or his R with S. It might sound harsh at first, but it is a kindness to both of them.

He is making this hard on you by being nice sometimes. I hate when they do that! But you can get to a place where it doesn't matter if they are nice or mean. Your mood cant be affected by their words or actions. It is hard to get there, but ou will become stronger and happier just trying to make it to that point.

I have to say, Mona, that you are on point. By focusing on ourselves, it IS a kindness to them. We become the epitome of the burden too heavy to bear when we show sadness, needyness, and anger.
Also, I recognized my own H and his ability to detach from me so well (I more and more feel he has been DBing me for some time) in your words. When I spoke to him last and apologised for being somewhat cold and mean on the phone, he told me "You can be however you want to be". He is in that place.

You can do this Inpain. Focus on yourself. It will get easier.