You can breathe. Just concentrate on it. Slow, deep breath in, slow release out.
I absolutely know where you're coming from. My H is rushing me into a D I never wanted. The more I tried to fight him, the worse the situation got - so I just stopped. Stopped speaking to him, period. All communications have to go through L's. I was not in any emotional condition to deal with it. I'm still not, which makes me even more grateful to have a L representing me.
This situation is awful, but don't let it beat you. Spend 10 minutes just breathing. I'm serious. Stress tightens up everything, and it makes it hard to pull in a deep breath. You have to concentrate and make your lungs expand. At first, it's going to feel awful, like you're suffocating. In a sense, you kind of are. It is the best thing you can do to calm down, though.
Stop everything for 10 minutes and just concentrate on breathing. It doesn't mean the end. Really. Just breathe, okay?
You can breathe. Just concentrate on it. Slow, deep breath in, slow release out.
I absolutely know where you're coming from. My H is rushing me into a D I never wanted. The more I tried to fight him, the worse the situation got - so I just stopped. Stopped speaking to him, period. All communications have to go through L's. I was not in any emotional condition to deal with it. I'm still not, which makes me even more grateful to have a L representing me.
This situation is awful, but don't let it beat you. Spend 10 minutes just breathing. I'm serious. Stress tightens up everything, and it makes it hard to pull in a deep breath. You have to concentrate and make your lungs expand. At first, it's going to feel awful, like you're suffocating. In a sense, you kind of are. It is the best thing you can do to calm down, though.
Stop everything for 10 minutes and just concentrate on breathing. It doesn't mean the end. Really. Just breathe, okay?
Thank you Ancaire. You're right, it does feel like I'm suffocating. I seem to be getting worse with every passing day. H comes and is so normal and nice to me and it makes it all worse because I just don't understand why that isn't enough to try to make our M work.
I let S ring him tonight. I have talked him out of it all of the other times he has wanted to but have decided that if S wants to ring him then he should. He burst into tears on the phone and told his Dad he misses him and wants him to come home. Apparently H was crying on the other end too and said that it wasn't that simple and that he can't come home. Then H said he would rather talk to S about it in person so that he can hug him when he cries. Does anyone else find it hard to bear that H shows so much love for the children but not for them? I feel so awful thinking it because I wouldn't want them to lose his love for one minute but it just seems to dig the knife in even more when we made these children together and now he doesn't love me.
The thoughts running through your head are the same kinds of thoughts I have. How could H do this? He knows from his own childhood how destructive divorce is...yet, there is he is - creating a path of destruction that will go on for years.
The guilt your H feels has to be enormous. I know it doesn't really help you with what you're feeling, but I believe he does know he's not doing the right thing - but for some reason, he's convinced himself he will cease to exist if he stays in the marriage. The only thing I can tell you is that time will go by, and he may begin to see things very differently than he does right now. There are no guarantees - but it sounds like your H really does love his children. He cares for you. Whatever is driving him is more powerful than his love.
Just focus on you and your kids. There is literally nothing you can do for H at the moment. The more you try and help him, the worse the situation will get. I'm speaking from experience right now. I can literally see the struggle on H's face. He's being pulled apart by his conflicting feelings, and I really feel badly for him. I don't understand the why...but I can see that he's hurting.
Give H the space he thinks he needs. Focus on you. That's the best you can do at the moment. We'll just take it one day at a time, because that's all we can really do, right? Focus on your breathing at least once a day. More would be very beneficial. It sounds so ridiculous, but something so very simple can help keep you from becoming so stressed, you're unable to function.
These are really bad times. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm really sorry for your child.
The thoughts running through your head are the same kinds of thoughts I have. How could H do this? He knows from his own childhood how destructive divorce is...yet, there is he is - creating a path of destruction that will go on for years.
Thank you Ancaire, it is good to know that my that I am not going crazy to have these thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry you have them too. I'm sorry for all of us. Why can't our Hs just see that this is our family's entire future they're changing?
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
The guilt your H feels has to be enormous. I know it doesn't really help you with what you're feeling, but I believe he does know he's not doing the right thing - but for some reason, he's convinced himself he will cease to exist if he stays in the marriage. The only thing I can tell you is that time will go by, and he may begin to see things very differently than he does right now. There are no guarantees - but it sounds like your H really does love his children. He cares for you. Whatever is driving him is more powerful than his love.
Yes, I'm sure you're right, he must be feeling tremendous guilt and pain as he does love them so, so much. Care for me, I'm not so sure. I think I would feel better if I knew what to do in the meantime. I'm not sure which DB techniques to use because although we're separated I still see so much of him really and it is then that I don't know what to do. I really would appreciate advice on this part of things. And I'm still so confused that he sent a happy new year message to me!
[quote-Ancaire] Just focus on you and your kids. There is literally nothing you can do for H at the moment. The more you try and help him, the worse the situation will get. I'm speaking from experience right now. I can literally see the struggle on H's face. He's being pulled apart by his conflicting feelings, and I really feel badly for him. I don't understand the why...but I can see that he's hurting.[/quote]
Yes, I know what you mean here. It makes it even harder doesn't it, because we still love them unconditionally and can see that they are in pain but they don't want us to comfort their pain. It is so hard to not try to reach out.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
Give H the space he thinks he needs. Focus on you. That's the best you can do at the moment. We'll just take it one day at a time, because that's all we can really do, right? Focus on your breathing at least once a day. More would be very beneficial. It sounds so ridiculous, but something so very simple can help keep you from becoming so stressed, you're unable to function.
These are really bad times. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm really sorry for your child.
I wish I was as strong as you seem to be Ancaire. I really do not feel that I have the strength to function at all anymore. I am so lost, so confused about DR despite reading it over and over. I feel like I'm drowning.
The best thing you can do for yourself? Prove to yourself you will survive without H. I know you don't want to, but you need to prove to yourself you'll be okay. Once you start doing that, you're going to begin to remember who you were before you got married. That's partly why GAL is so helpful. It reminds you that you are more than an "us".
I know you've done this before, and in a way that makes it harder. My H agreed to reconcile for a very small amount of time..but his heart wasn't in it, and the first excuse he got, he was out.
All the wiser people on this board have convinced me that my best shot at winning H back is to just go on without him. Cut the rope, and move forward. It took me a while to get that into my head. I do know my life is a lot more peaceful since I decided to let him destroy his own life, without dragging me down, too.
The peace has allowed me to start problem solving - to begin focusing on what I need to do to move forward solo. I need to prove it to myself I'll be okay, as well. I lost a good bit of myself during my marriage. I'd like to reconnect with the person I used to be. This depressed, hurt, angry person was not how I wanted to exist, so I decided to deliberately seek out the happy, friendly person I used to be.
I'm not happy about the way he rocked my world. Nope. Not at all. But I have reached a point that I'm grateful I just get to be selfish. I don't have to worry one bit about H and how he will feel about something for the foreseeable future. That's such a relief.
If you can frame this in your mind in such a way you see any positives at all (I know how freaking hard this is to do!) you will find some peace in the situation. I always compared trying to hold on to H akin to holding a snarling, spitting, clawing cat I'm attempting to baptize. It wasn't going well for either of us. Once I found that one thing (I would be able to do whatever I wanted without answering to H) I was able to start finding a few others.
It won't be easy. I know that. I'm just trying to share what moved me away from depressed and ready to end it all, and into looking forward to seeing what I can do on my own. I've been through some real crap in my life...nothing has hurt more than this. So, I know I'm suggesting what seems impossible. The very fact you're here? You can do this. Just keep posting, and getting it all out. It doesn't feel very good sitting in your heart.
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
I wanted to stop by so many times before... I was also here many years ago (2004 to 2007) and I found myself back again.
It sounds like you are still very focused on him. I can see why when he cries on the phone with your S. I know you would do anything for your child. The best thing you can do it to focus on yourself and not on H or his R with S. It might sound harsh at first, but it is a kindness to both of them.
He is making this hard on you by being nice sometimes. I hate when they do that! But you can get to a place where it doesn't matter if they are nice or mean. Your mood cant be affected by their words or actions. It is hard to get there, but ou will become stronger and happier just trying to make it to that point.
You can do this!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
It sounds like you are still very focused on him. I can see why when he cries on the phone with your S. I know you would do anything for your child. The best thing you can do it to focus on yourself and not on H or his R with S. It might sound harsh at first, but it is a kindness to both of them.
He is making this hard on you by being nice sometimes. I hate when they do that! But you can get to a place where it doesn't matter if they are nice or mean. Your mood cant be affected by their words or actions. It is hard to get there, but ou will become stronger and happier just trying to make it to that point.
I have to say, Mona, that you are on point. By focusing on ourselves, it IS a kindness to them. We become the epitome of the burden too heavy to bear when we show sadness, needyness, and anger. Also, I recognized my own H and his ability to detach from me so well (I more and more feel he has been DBing me for some time) in your words. When I spoke to him last and apologised for being somewhat cold and mean on the phone, he told me "You can be however you want to be". He is in that place.
You can do this Inpain. Focus on yourself. It will get easier.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Thank you Ancaire that's so sweet of you to post them for me! Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
Thank you so much Mona, I really appreciate you posting and your support. Yes, I think you're right, I am very focused on him. I am finding it all very hard. I miss him every second of the day and night. My kids miss him and are hurting too. It just seems impossible to not focus on someone who is destroying mine and my children's lives.
Does anyone else find it hard to bear that H shows so much love for the children but not for them? I feel so awful thinking it because I wouldn't want them to lose his love for one minute but it just seems to dig the knife in even more when we made these children together and now he doesn't love me.