Does anyone have advice on this? I continue to feel uncertain about how to respond and my W continues to reach out toward me, as I have now been firmly in detachment mode.
WW's are very emotional creatures. They thrive on it, and they are directed by their emotions. We have seen accounts where a WW will be crying her eyes out on the day of divorce, and yet.......she goes through with it. It's like she has these sentimental feelings attached to the MR, however, her need for escape pulls at her very strongly.
Men are confused whenever their WW show any type of physical/affectional contact, b/c mean want to associate it with her loving him. Naturally, the men read signs into those actions, but usually get shot down. Many, many WW's are in la-la land so badly that they want to continue getting the advantages of being the H's wife, but they still want to be free. She wants the cuddling, the affection and security, and wants your friendship.......but she's wayward and is a mess, not knowing what she truly wants. Just running on emotions.
If you are in a "trial" separation, then that is how you should conduct yourself..........as a separated couple. If she goes to you wanting affection, you may have to remind her that this is a trial S and if you were D, there would be no cuddling, laying together on the same bed, etc. She needs to see the reality of what S/D would be like for her.
IMHO, you may feel that you receive conflicting advice. Your IC talks to you about your inner child and much focus is place on your feelings. Then when you post on the board, you are told not to follow feelings. I could see how frustrating or confusing that could be on a newcomer. We have seen people who were going to MC, IC, a spiritual counselor, and coming here. When you have more than one source of guidance or counseling, there is usually some difference in the advice. Sometimes, a person has to choose which one is helping the most and you feel more comfortable following. (I'm not wanting you to leave, btw, just making a statement).
You are a very sensitive man, and you don't have to be ashamed of it. I don't think anyone is saying you should. Those who have been around for a while, know that a LBH has to dig deep for the inner strength to carry him through this journey. If he has a WW, he has to present that firm strength, or she will not turn back to him. I think that it the message the members are saying. Cry all you want, just don't do it in front of her. A WW sees it as weakness in a H. Now, if it were another man who wasn't her H, she might feel sorry for him.......and your W may not want to see you in pain, however, when it is her H she sees breaking down, it doesn't have the same affect. You may think that's all hogwash, but it is the hard, cold facts about a WW. She isn't going to protect your feelings. She is not going to change her mind b/c of how it makes you feel.
I hope you will listen with a open mind to what the guys have to say. All the newcomer LBH'S has felt, at least a portion, of what you are feeling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
