Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

Zues, I enjoy exchanging thoughts, even if we are far apart on the firmament.

My thoughts about a separation did not happen today - it's been a slow process, including the realization that I am getting physically sick from the stress. I have spent more than 1 1/2 years working on myself and this M (in addition to all the previous years when I saw counselors on my own to try to find solutions), and I have put a lot of effort into making it work with DB'ing. I have made many mistakes, I'm sure, and am paying for them now.

H and I agreed that we get along on the surface, but it's a pretend game and the feelings are not following (at least not for him). I can see it in the way he looks at me. I know they could, and do at times, for me, but it doesn't seem to be mutual. He said it's like we're poisoning each other, and I don't think he feels much joy in spending time together. It's familiar, it's safe, but it's also very exhausting.

We disagree on many things. He truly has no desire to change anything about his approach or thought process, and does not believe it is even possible. It feels like 'pressure'. He feels he is getting older quickly and is very negative about his future, and partly blames me for not being where he wants to be in his life. This would be his 5th divorce, and he feels they all stem from 'choosing the wrong person'. He feels he needs to be with someone who is a 'better fit', someone who agrees more with him (like OW). It's pretty obvious that I don't agree with that view, but it's his life and his choices.

I think it's sad, because we're finally in a stage of life where we could focus on each other instead of all the very stressful challenges we have dealt with over the years, but there seems to be too much polluted water under this particular bridge. Or too much family of origin-baggage. And too much blame and resentment.

I predict that he will be with another woman within 3 months, maybe sooner. I'm willing to bet quite a bit of money on that. It's not malice that makes me say that, it's just knowing him.

Anyway,
You said: "Conversation is different. You can talk to anyone."

No, not at all! Conversation is sacred, it's how I (women?) connect on a soul level and it's what makes us want to give ourselves to a man for life. It's the key to everything. Women open up and connect emotionally in a conversation the same way you describe that a man connects with their partner through lovemaking. We share our thoughts and are vulnerable, and the response makes us feel either accepted or rejected in the same way.

It's funny, because I have actually said to H, 'You can have sex with anyone.' He was trying to explain to me that his wanting me so much was his way of showing love. Unfortunately for him, there's so many men out there who are willing to 'show their love' that the specialness is a little lost on me. (Not that I'm so amazingly attractive, it's the same for any woman.) But to find a man who wants to have long conversations with me, listen and validate? Now, that's very, very special!

So we're back to how different we are and how on Earth can we get to where we *truly* understand each other's needs... *sigh*

In the end I think it is pretty easy. Follow these rules:

Understand your partner has different but equally important needs.
Make your focus on meeting their needs regardless of whether you feel they are doing their part to meet yours.
Trust in God that in exchange for serving him by serving your spouse you will be given the strength to overcome your resentment and you will be taken care of.
Never get divorced or give up, for any reason shy of physical danger or continuing adultery.

Andy Stanley's "marriage expectations" series sums this up nicely, 1 hour total between parts 1-3. Must watch.

As for you Painter, I hear it's been a long process. I am firmly in the stand until the death or the D type of person. What 'standing' looks like differs greatly. If H is having continued affairs, or does shortly, then it does make it more clear you can't remain in a relationship. I don't doubt he will. Still, you can afford 3 months then to let it happen so you know you stood until the end and did what you could.

Anyway, good chatting with ya painter. Julie, start a new thread!