Letting go, finally

[Zues126]

Wow, Azzork and Zeus... you guys sure are tough on me and it hurts. I feel like I'm getting somewhere but whether you realize it or not, your words are having the effect of pushing me down, telling me that it's not enough, undermining any small amount of confidence that I have started to build. It is very discouraging. You are losing me here and I really don't feel supported when you take this hard approach on me. It feels like you don't understand me and it reinforces my impression that this world is a cold, prickly place where I am not emotionally safe.

When I was a sales manager I heard this all the time from my team. "I'm not motivated this way" and "This is just sapping morale and making me want to do less". The fact is that 95% of the folks that worked for me found me to be nothing less than the best supervisor, coach, mentor, and leader they ever had. Funny, somehow it was the ones that struggled to perform that had a problem with my management style.

Go back and read my last 20 posts and read what the rest of the crew thinks about me. If you get the impression that I'm spending 2 hours a day on the DB forums for the last 18 months for any reason other than it's been the hardest and most hurtful and disillusioning chapter of my life, and that I am on a hellbent mission to do my part to fight this cultural breakdown, I just don't know what to say.

In turn, I don't appreciate the injured/hurt act. It feels controlling, like 'tell me what I want to hear or I will be hurt'. Were you depressed in your marriage? Did you act hurt and depressed to try to control her behavior?

You are suggesting that I do and say things which would require acting and being untrue to myself. At times I did experiment with this approach, but it felt very wrong to put on a distant, composed front toward my W as though I was strong and had it all together. I don't. This whole experience has made me more raw and vulnerable than I have felt in as long as I can remember.

If you read DR and the many stickies and links from Cadet it is very clear that DB isn't about following your feelings. It is about being strong enough to rise above your feelings and do what the situation demands.

Feelings are a horrible compass. WAS's file divorce because they follow their feelings. Despite all the pain caused to you by following feelings, you now want to use this to justify ineffective behavior?

I am not a baby, but there is a baby in me that is seriously hurting from birth trauma which I never healed from and which my W's betrayal has re-triggered big time. It is like being abandoned all over again by the one person whom I trusted the most to be a safe haven in this scary world. I get the impression that you have no idea what I'm going through in this regard. It is like a double whammy. The betrayal of being cheated on plus on top of that, being thrown face first back into the extremely vulnerable feelings of abandonment that were my first moments in this world.

Or, it could be that I understand exactly which is why I'm taking the time to post on your thread. See link below. It's long, but I wanted to give you the original version in which I was becoming aware of my self-abandonment, and how my spouse's leaving was even harder because I had outsourced my own self care.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...861#Post2471861

This stupid culture that we live in does not value men who cry, who are sensitive.

This has nothing to do with not crying. It has to do with setting emotional boundaries. For your good. And for hers.

For the record, I was already crying at the time my W walked in and surprised me. I stopped within 10 seconds. I didn't cuddle her... she came close to me, but I just laid there and didn't say anything other than "this is really hard for me". That was a big improvement for me over how I would have responded only a couple of days earlier... previously I would have gone on crying, cuddling her back, and talking endlessly, seeking nurturing from her. So although it may not look that way to you, it was a big improvement for me.

My first question for you all on my new thread, is how to deal with situations where my W comes back to me seeking affection, closeness, and support?

Does anyone have advice on this?

You started two posts asking for advice on how to deal with this. Now you're saying you handled it all the best possible way you could. Look, I get that you did your best for the moment you were in, and there are reasons it turned out how it did. I am focused on how you can become someone that can handle it better.

I am celebrating my small steps, with or without you guys.

And I am celebrating those steps of yours as well, with or without your knowledge.

J, My mantra for years was to act as if the person you were talking to was on their way home to kill themselves- would your interaction talk them off the ledge without you knowing it? You can read my posts surrounding that link and see that we're a very similar species. That said, there is a time when we have to rise above our feelings, and that is a big part of DB. My goal is to inspire you and challenge you to find strength you didn't know you had to do just that.

Regardless, if you're anything like me the vulnerability and sensitivity you've shown is there to take the edge off a super powerful juggernaut that will achieve all the goals within your sights. Now that you've set your goals on becoming independent and self sufficient I know you'll do it.