Hello. I've been reading the board for about a month and decided that I could benefit from posting rather than lurking.

Originally I thought I had a rather unique situation but after having read many people's posts, it doesn't seem unique or different at all. My wife decided to use our vacation this past July to not only tell me that ILYBINILWY, bit that she wanted to pursue an open marriage. b She was unhappy with our sex life and blamed me and didn't feel it would change. I agree that it was pretty crappy but knew that it could change if we communicated more openly, but primarily because I smoked too much pot (doubt she knew because I was very good at concealing my use). One good thing to come from this mess was that I dropped that habit like it was hot and haven't looked back other than to regret doing it sooner.

I wasn't to thrilled with the idea but I said ok as long as I was still priority #1 and to buy some time. I figured that if I made some changes there would be no reason for her to pursue other relationships, particularly since the one she had on mind was about 9 hours away (she started talking to the guy while playing an online computer game that we both played)

Long story short, they decided to meet while she was visiting her Mom and that visit has turned into additional visits with her becoming more attached to him each time.

My reconciliation mistakes started immediately. I did a 180 by quitting smoking and actively increased my efforts in the bedroom. This only made her angry because she decided that I never cared for her. If I did. I would have made more of an effort in the bedroom sooner (we had discussed the poor sex a few times previously and I would change temporarily but it was easy to fall back into bad habits). I also should mention that this was the ONLY thing we ever argued about before the BD and these arguments only occurred 4 or 5 times over the course of our 9 year relationship.

Her new (to me) anger and resentment led to begging, pleading etc.. on my part to give me a chance to fix the problem. This led to more intimate IM conversations between the 2 and more distance between the both of us. Grrrrr. I began to try to rationalize the situation with her and this led her to disclose a whole slew of problems that I had no idea existed and to her rewriting a significant portion of our history.

I defended by pointing out inconcistencies and refuting evidence to contradict her revisionist history. BIG MISTAKE. Apparently, this basically minimized and trivialize her feelings which are real to her. Acknowledging and affirming her feelings would have been a much better way to approach the situation but it's very difficult when emotions cloud your judgement. I'm getting better and more consistent doing this but it will take time because she thinks I'm patronizing her (her words) rather than empathizing with her.

There are many more nuances to my situation but I think that begins to paint a description.

I still love my wife and want to repair our relationship but patience is not one of my virtues. Suggestions?