Looking forward to the new year

[Zues126]

I know you have all gone through two wireless mouses and 82 AA batteries refreshing this page and awaiting the Zuesbomb, so I won't disappoint.

Another thought, I don't really think sex should be an EXCHANGE for something spouse is doing or giving you.

Correct. Sex is a need that can't be neglected. I compared denying/avoiding sex with not feeding your children. It just can't be done. Obviously it's not life and death...but it will go from agony, to resentment, to emotional separation, to the destruction of the marriage. Without fail.

It's really just an intimate act that both participants can receive immense pleasure from. Desire goes along with it. Often times we desire when we know how much we are desired. So when the desire is not there, it's basically a question of why and how to create that desire again.

Um...sometimes. It can sometimes be this way. But to think that sex is always going to be about desires and sparks, and the secret is to keep the sparks going...well, that's just not realistic.

I go to work every day. Some days I want to. Some days I don't.
I take my kids swimming. Some days I want to. Some days I don't.

In all walks of life we have responsibilities and commitments. We take them on because they bring us joy, but this doesn't mean we always feel like living up to every one of those commitments.

Just because sex "involves our bodies" we act like it beats to a different drum. I call BS. Work involves my body. Taking the kids swimming involves my body. I had to swim in a pool with so much salt I nearly threw up when a little seeped into my mouth. I didn't want to do that. "It's my body, I shouldn't have to". Well, you're right. I could deny my children even though I know they LOVE swimming more than a wish-granting puppy that sheds sugarcane. But you do what you need to do.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger wrote "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". In her book she talked about how to keep your man happy and dedicated to you. She busted a lot of feminist notions that are crippling marriages. One slogan she used liberally was "Just Do It". On her talk show women would call in and start explaining how their H's wanted sex, and why their H needed to do things differently to make them want to, and Dr L always said the same thing: "Just do it. Or don't and watch your marriage die." She was totally remorseless and unapologetic with anyone that talked of marital problems when they weren't doing their part to maintain a steady, stimulating, fulfilling sex life.

So take desire when it comes. Seek to rekindle desire when possible. But desire or no desire, honor your commitments.

Zues, If the roles were reversed. If husband had trouble performing how would you advise wife to handle it?

This doesn't require a role reversal. There were a number of times when XW couldn't be active. Pregnancies (we had 3 children in the 10 years we were together, and a miscarriage, so she was often pregnant or nursing), sickness, surgeries, lord, even a horrible sunburn. Life happens. And there are diseases and injuries that could eliminate sex altogether for a woman as well as a man.

The funny thing is that sex to me wasn't about an outlet for my power cord. It was about so much more. Her being with me made me feel she understood how much desire and lust I had, that she supported me while I endured it, that she appreciated me for giving myself to her only, that she loved me so much she would indulge in things I would assume would make most people cringe, that we were sharing something together was so powerful it practically defines who I am yet so private I will only ever share it fully with one person, that by doing so she gets to be the only one that really knows and connects with me. Oh, and it feels good too.

It's funny that I almost forgot the last part. Women sometimes wonder about porn, like 'really, is staring at tits so important that you'll hurt me, are you an animal that you need to play with yourself that much'? Um, no. It's just that 99% of my emotional needs are linked to that. Being without sex for me would be like a woman that doesn't get to talk to her H anymore, and him getting upset she was talking back to an audiobook. 'What, does talking really feel that good that you have to wag your tongue, and listen to the sound of someone's voice?!?' No...but I don't want to be lonely forever, it's like solitary confinement.

Anyway, getting back to the list of needs that I meet through sex...none of that really has to do with whether my car gets parked in the heated garage. There were many times when XW wasn't able, and there were just as many ways that she could still achieve all of the above by simply being with me. That can mean many, many different things, I'll leave that to your imagination. But if a woman makes time for her man, expresses interest in being with him, shares the experience with him, and does what she can do...it will always be enough. There is a TITANIC difference between "I'm unable" and "I'm unwilling", and no woman can hide the difference. I'll take willing with physical limitations over reluctant with no physical limitations any day.

So Julie, as a man I'd do the same thing. I'd both do anything and everything I could to validate her needs, meet them or participate them in any creative ways I could, and share the experience with her in every way possible. I would also make it a priority to address any underlying issues if at all possible. The same way a woman without desire should both 'just do it' and address the underlying issues as well.

So there you have it. It's actually pretty simple. But simple doesn't mean easy...just easier than divorce.