Looking forward to the new year

[JulieH]

Another thought, I don't really think sex should be an EXCHANGE for something spouse is doing or giving you. It's really just an intimate act that both participants can receive immense pleasure from. Desire goes along with it.

Often times we desire when we know how much we are desired

So when the desire is not there, it's basically a question of why and how to create that desire again.

[ARose]

Yes, Julie, exactly my thoughts. But how to create that desire when the spouse that is holding out keeps throwing out new issues and harbors what appears to be limitless anger. "I am angry that you don't do A and B." So I do A and B, then "I am angry that you did C and D." And on, and on, and on for an entire year. Plus the "old stuff" keeps getting revisited, "Yes you changed A and B but 10 years ago you did A and B." It just seems so hopeless. So is it a matter of time, of him waiting to "trust" that the changes are lasting?

But in the meantime, my emotional and physical needs are being ignored. I can't live like this forever. I know, not time yet, be more patient. I am, I will. But I am not a robot either.

[Painter]

This is a tremendously interesting discussion and I'm so glad Julie is happy hosting us!

BT, you definitely contribute! There's so many posts with different viewpoints here that it's hard to relate to everyone and answer everything I want to reply to, but I read your post with great interest.

Julie, you said: So when the desire is not there, it's basically a question of why and how to create that desire again.

That's what I try when I ask H for flowers... They make me feel like I am cherished, not just as a body, but as a person. It's not a trade, it's asking him to help me get in a romantic mood when my home is my workplace and we've been married for 15 years and are well into middle-age. My hormones just aren't what they used to be, and we're no longer in the first glow of our courtship.

We had an interesting convo tonight - about what happened after we had a great 'reconnecting' weekend before Christmas. We were giving each other what we wanted - but it very quickly stopped. He said I stopped. I feel he stopped. I don't know what happened, I know it felt like many times before, when he got what he wanted and quickly turned to focus on other things.

I asked him, you waited until the very last day of the weekend to buy me flowers, until we were out grocery shopping together, instead of getting them any of the previous days when you were out by yourself. Why was that? He smiled a little as if I had hit home, and said, "I really don't like to be told what to do." (He has not bought me flowers since.)
I felt like saying, 'You can be stubborn and proud, or you can be happy.'

Zues, it sounds like you are also saying what my H would say. 'I can do this but then there will just be other reasons.' 'There shouldn't be conditions.'

I think the reason you don't hear from women whose husbands overcame the 'conditions', is that they gave their wives what they needed in the first place, so their wives didn't even notice anything missing.

I feel like your comparison to feeding a child has some problems - it likens a grown man to a screaming child... someone who doesn't have the ability to realize that relationships are a two-way street.

Something I wonder: If you - as a man - go out to a bar, do you expect that some random woman should want to make love to you? Do you get upset if that doesn't happen? Or do you realize that you probably need to be nice to her, charm her, buy her dinner and a glass of wine (yes, maybe she wants to pay for it herself, but at least you offer), and maybe invest weeks and months, depending on her standards. Basically, jump through some hoops.

I don't expect H and I to have a good conversation or interaction unless I'm nice to him. If I want him to do something that's important to me, but that he might not particularly want to do on his own, I make an effort to be nice, charming, appealing and enticing. To me, that's actually divorce-busting. If I'm not the best I can be, why would he want to spend time with me? So that brings me to (and I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but this is ongoing thinking induced by an ice cream-high) - isn't expecting sex from your spouse without having to 'jump through hoops' the opposite of what DB'ing is about? At least when the hoops are held in the same place all the time? How can you realistically expect your spouse to want the same thing you want at the same time you want it?
(I should perhaps mention somewhere in here that the longest time H and I have gone without ML is 2 weeks. I don't know if that even qualifies as a SLM, he has been unhappy so I guess it's all about what your expectations are.)

I'm feeling overwhelmed and disorganized today so I may not be making much sense. I saw our MC and afterwards realized that I would probably like to separate. I talked to H about it briefly tonight.

The reason is that we just don't seem able to get past our issues. He says the reason he took up contact with OW again earlier this year is because he and I were having a difficult time. I honestly don't see where it was so bad. He had bailed from MC and wouldn't have any R talks.

I can't put all my heart and soul into a relationship with someone who only wants to be committed when things are good, and thinks that a difficult time lasting more than a week or two is an acceptable reason to reconnect in secret with last year's AP. I just don't think I can risk it again.

[Zues126]

I know you have all gone through two wireless mouses and 82 AA batteries refreshing this page and awaiting the Zuesbomb, so I won't disappoint.

Another thought, I don't really think sex should be an EXCHANGE for something spouse is doing or giving you.

Correct. Sex is a need that can't be neglected. I compared denying/avoiding sex with not feeding your children. It just can't be done. Obviously it's not life and death...but it will go from agony, to resentment, to emotional separation, to the destruction of the marriage. Without fail.

It's really just an intimate act that both participants can receive immense pleasure from. Desire goes along with it. Often times we desire when we know how much we are desired. So when the desire is not there, it's basically a question of why and how to create that desire again.

Um...sometimes. It can sometimes be this way. But to think that sex is always going to be about desires and sparks, and the secret is to keep the sparks going...well, that's just not realistic.

I go to work every day. Some days I want to. Some days I don't.
I take my kids swimming. Some days I want to. Some days I don't.

In all walks of life we have responsibilities and commitments. We take them on because they bring us joy, but this doesn't mean we always feel like living up to every one of those commitments.

Just because sex "involves our bodies" we act like it beats to a different drum. I call BS. Work involves my body. Taking the kids swimming involves my body. I had to swim in a pool with so much salt I nearly threw up when a little seeped into my mouth. I didn't want to do that. "It's my body, I shouldn't have to". Well, you're right. I could deny my children even though I know they LOVE swimming more than a wish-granting puppy that sheds sugarcane. But you do what you need to do.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger wrote "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". In her book she talked about how to keep your man happy and dedicated to you. She busted a lot of feminist notions that are crippling marriages. One slogan she used liberally was "Just Do It". On her talk show women would call in and start explaining how their H's wanted sex, and why their H needed to do things differently to make them want to, and Dr L always said the same thing: "Just do it. Or don't and watch your marriage die." She was totally remorseless and unapologetic with anyone that talked of marital problems when they weren't doing their part to maintain a steady, stimulating, fulfilling sex life.

So take desire when it comes. Seek to rekindle desire when possible. But desire or no desire, honor your commitments.

Zues, If the roles were reversed. If husband had trouble performing how would you advise wife to handle it?

This doesn't require a role reversal. There were a number of times when XW couldn't be active. Pregnancies (we had 3 children in the 10 years we were together, and a miscarriage, so she was often pregnant or nursing), sickness, surgeries, lord, even a horrible sunburn. Life happens. And there are diseases and injuries that could eliminate sex altogether for a woman as well as a man.

The funny thing is that sex to me wasn't about an outlet for my power cord. It was about so much more. Her being with me made me feel she understood how much desire and lust I had, that she supported me while I endured it, that she appreciated me for giving myself to her only, that she loved me so much she would indulge in things I would assume would make most people cringe, that we were sharing something together was so powerful it practically defines who I am yet so private I will only ever share it fully with one person, that by doing so she gets to be the only one that really knows and connects with me. Oh, and it feels good too.

It's funny that I almost forgot the last part. Women sometimes wonder about porn, like 'really, is staring at tits so important that you'll hurt me, are you an animal that you need to play with yourself that much'? Um, no. It's just that 99% of my emotional needs are linked to that. Being without sex for me would be like a woman that doesn't get to talk to her H anymore, and him getting upset she was talking back to an audiobook. 'What, does talking really feel that good that you have to wag your tongue, and listen to the sound of someone's voice?!?' No...but I don't want to be lonely forever, it's like solitary confinement.

Anyway, getting back to the list of needs that I meet through sex...none of that really has to do with whether my car gets parked in the heated garage. There were many times when XW wasn't able, and there were just as many ways that she could still achieve all of the above by simply being with me. That can mean many, many different things, I'll leave that to your imagination. But if a woman makes time for her man, expresses interest in being with him, shares the experience with him, and does what she can do...it will always be enough. There is a TITANIC difference between "I'm unable" and "I'm unwilling", and no woman can hide the difference. I'll take willing with physical limitations over reluctant with no physical limitations any day.

So Julie, as a man I'd do the same thing. I'd both do anything and everything I could to validate her needs, meet them or participate them in any creative ways I could, and share the experience with her in every way possible. I would also make it a priority to address any underlying issues if at all possible. The same way a woman without desire should both 'just do it' and address the underlying issues as well.

So there you have it. It's actually pretty simple. But simple doesn't mean easy...just easier than divorce.

[Zues126]

Ah, painter. Sometimes I feel like we're so far apart you're seeing the zues from 3 weeks ago and the light it just reaching you now Hope you know that despite our different perceptions, I recognize you as a wise, caring, powerful woman with the spirit of God within.

Zues, it sounds like you are also saying what my H would say. 'I can do this but then there will just be other reasons.' 'There shouldn't be conditions.' I think the reason you don't hear from women whose husbands overcame the 'conditions', is that they gave their wives what they needed in the first place, so their wives didn't even notice anything missing.

Correct. There are relationships that don't have this issue. I'm addressing the many that do.

I feel like your comparison to feeding a child has some problems - it likens a grown man to a screaming child... someone who doesn't have the ability to realize that relationships are a two-way street.

Agreed. It's not a perfect analogy. It was designed to communicate the priority level this is. Even that's not perfect, as I said in my last post it's not life and death. But it's probably a lot closer to life and death than it is to 'frustration' or 'disappointment' which I assume is what most women think.

Put it this way. If women understood how it felt for men to be sexually neglected it would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. PERIOD. The ONLY reason this happens is because women don't have any idea what they are doing.

Something I wonder: If you - as a man - go out to a bar, do you expect that some random woman should want to make love to you? Do you get upset if that doesn't happen? Or do you realize that you probably need to be nice to her, charm her, buy her dinner and a glass of wine (yes, maybe she wants to pay for it herself, but at least you offer), and maybe invest weeks and months, depending on her standards. Basically, jump through some hoops.

No. First off, I haven't committed to that woman not to go looking at another bar. But that's the smallest point.

I don't open up at the bar. I don't share who I am with whoever I meet. This is reserved for ONE person. A person that I can actually trust to give my heart and soul to, and to lay bare my inner self, and trust her enough to care for me. I offer that person my life in exchange for the commitment to tend to my needs.

Once that commitment is made comparing marriages to strangers would be silly. I don't pay that woman at the bar's bills for 10 years, raise children with that woman, etc.

Frankly I don't go to bars at all. My sexuality is for one person. It isn't an itch to scratch. It's a soul connection, shared only with my wife.

To use the child analogy...trusting my needs to a woman to take care of is like a woman leaving her 6 month old baby with a man she met to take care of. It's that important and that vulnerable. And again, if he let that baby get hurt, I don't think she's going to care about whether he was in the mood to take care of it.

I don't expect H and I to have a good conversation or interaction unless I'm nice to him. If I want him to do something that's important to me, but that he might not particularly want to do on his own, I make an effort to be nice, charming, appealing and enticing. To me, that's actually divorce-busting. If I'm not the best I can be, why would he want to spend time with me? So that brings me to (and I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but this is ongoing thinking induced by an ice cream-high) - isn't expecting sex from your spouse without having to 'jump through hoops' the opposite of what DB'ing is about? At least when the hoops are held in the same place all the time? How can you realistically expect your spouse to want the same thing you want at the same time you want it?
(I should perhaps mention somewhere in here that the longest time H and I have gone without ML is 2 weeks. I don't know if that even qualifies as a SLM, he has been unhappy so I guess it's all about what your expectations are.)

Conversation is different. You can talk to anyone.

That said, I do think that there is an emotional bonding that occurs with conversation, and some conversation can only (or SHOULD only) be discussed with spouse.

Sometimes H might not be in the mood to talk. He's human. But he needs to make it a priority to BE in the mood to talk, or to talk when he's NOT in the mood...if he wants to stay married. I wrote about this in my last thread.

So should H walk around expecting you to jump in the sac whenever he snaps his fingers? No. Should he trust you to meet his needs throughout the various ups and downs of the marriage? Yes.

Is a two week low water mark make a sex starved marriage? Doesn't sound like it to me. There could still be issues if it was physical only and the other stuff wasn't being achieved (see the list of needs sex satisfies), but from a frequency standpoint I would think 2-3 times/week average would be dreamy for 99% of men.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and disorganized today so I may not be making much sense. I saw our MC and afterwards realized that I would probably like to separate. I talked to H about it briefly tonight.

Why don't you keep your mouth shut until you feel that way for six months or a year straight? Or do you think making lifelong decisions when you are fatigued, depressed, needy, resentful, frustrated, and resigned is a good move?

The reason is that we just don't seem able to get past our issues. He says the reason he took up contact with OW again earlier this year is because he and I were having a difficult time. I honestly don't see where it was so bad. He had bailed from MC and wouldn't have any R talks.

All rationalization from both parties. Him rationalizing his behavior, you rationalizing your desire to quit. Neither of you are truly self-aware.

I can't put all my heart and soul into a relationship with someone who only wants to be committed when things are good, and thinks that a difficult time lasting more than a week or two is an acceptable reason to reconnect in secret with last year's AP. I just don't think I can risk it again.

You casting H in that role doesn't make that who he is. He is a unique person, outside of your narrative, that is capable of growth and change.

************

Regarding the sex related posts, I will say this: The same holds true for men on meeting their obligations to their women.

Men should not have to jump through hoops to have their sexual needs met.

Women should not have to jump through hoops to have their emotional needs met.

The point is that Julie was right, it's not tit for tat, it's about each of us doing our role regardless of the other. If everytime she slacks, I slack worse, then it will end in divorce. Only by both giving 100% all the time can it work. Get this- both parties will FEEL like they always give 100% and the other person is slacking...every spouse in the world can spin that story...but they are both wrong. Perception is a mother f.


As for your relationship, I have said this to others and I'll say it to you. Your feelings are powerful. Your thoughts follow your feelings. You can't follow any of them right now. They won't steer you true. You MUST follow your beliefs, and use your character to make good decisions.

That DOESN'T mean you should take H back unconditionally. It just means don't be in a rush to figure it out based on how you feel this month. Be strong enough to take care of yourself and nurture yourself. Go slow. If he is acting in ways that truly don't jive for you, you are WISE to pick up on that. In that case keep DBing and taking care of yourself, don't burn any bridges, and see what happens. Maybe the fact that you keep moving forward will trigger a change in him beyond what you'd expect. Maybe you have to keep walking away because he's not giving you any reason to take another risk. Who knows. But don't be 'done', just don't get attached or have expectations right now.

[Painter]

Zues, I enjoy exchanging thoughts, even if we are far apart on the firmament.

My thoughts about a separation did not happen today - it's been a slow process, including the realization that I am getting physically sick from the stress. I have spent more than 1 1/2 years working on myself and this M (in addition to all the previous years when I saw counselors on my own to try to find solutions), and I have put a lot of effort into making it work with DB'ing. I have made many mistakes, I'm sure, and am paying for them now.

H and I agreed that we get along on the surface, but it's a pretend game and the feelings are not following (at least not for him). I can see it in the way he looks at me. I know they could, and do at times, for me, but it doesn't seem to be mutual. He said it's like we're poisoning each other, and I don't think he feels much joy in spending time together. It's familiar, it's safe, but it's also very exhausting.

We disagree on many things. He truly has no desire to change anything about his approach or thought process, and does not believe it is even possible. It feels like 'pressure'. He feels he is getting older quickly and is very negative about his future, and partly blames me for not being where he wants to be in his life. This would be his 5th divorce, and he feels they all stem from 'choosing the wrong person'. He feels he needs to be with someone who is a 'better fit', someone who agrees more with him (like OW). It's pretty obvious that I don't agree with that view, but it's his life and his choices.

I think it's sad, because we're finally in a stage of life where we could focus on each other instead of all the very stressful challenges we have dealt with over the years, but there seems to be too much polluted water under this particular bridge. Or too much family of origin-baggage. And too much blame and resentment.

I predict that he will be with another woman within 3 months, maybe sooner. I'm willing to bet quite a bit of money on that. It's not malice that makes me say that, it's just knowing him.

Anyway,
You said: "Conversation is different. You can talk to anyone."

No, not at all! Conversation is sacred, it's how I (women?) connect on a soul level and it's what makes us want to give ourselves to a man for life. It's the key to everything. Women open up and connect emotionally in a conversation the same way you describe that a man connects with their partner through lovemaking. We share our thoughts and are vulnerable, and the response makes us feel either accepted or rejected in the same way.

It's funny, because I have actually said to H, 'You can have sex with anyone.' He was trying to explain to me that his wanting me so much was his way of showing love. Unfortunately for him, there's so many men out there who are willing to 'show their love' that the specialness is a little lost on me. (Not that I'm so amazingly attractive, it's the same for any woman.) But to find a man who wants to have long conversations with me, listen and validate? Now, that's very, very special!

So we're back to how different we are and how on Earth can we get to where we *truly* understand each other's needs... *sigh*

[Zues126]

Zues, I enjoy exchanging thoughts, even if we are far apart on the firmament.

My thoughts about a separation did not happen today - it's been a slow process, including the realization that I am getting physically sick from the stress. I have spent more than 1 1/2 years working on myself and this M (in addition to all the previous years when I saw counselors on my own to try to find solutions), and I have put a lot of effort into making it work with DB'ing. I have made many mistakes, I'm sure, and am paying for them now.

H and I agreed that we get along on the surface, but it's a pretend game and the feelings are not following (at least not for him). I can see it in the way he looks at me. I know they could, and do at times, for me, but it doesn't seem to be mutual. He said it's like we're poisoning each other, and I don't think he feels much joy in spending time together. It's familiar, it's safe, but it's also very exhausting.

We disagree on many things. He truly has no desire to change anything about his approach or thought process, and does not believe it is even possible. It feels like 'pressure'. He feels he is getting older quickly and is very negative about his future, and partly blames me for not being where he wants to be in his life. This would be his 5th divorce, and he feels they all stem from 'choosing the wrong person'. He feels he needs to be with someone who is a 'better fit', someone who agrees more with him (like OW). It's pretty obvious that I don't agree with that view, but it's his life and his choices.

I think it's sad, because we're finally in a stage of life where we could focus on each other instead of all the very stressful challenges we have dealt with over the years, but there seems to be too much polluted water under this particular bridge. Or too much family of origin-baggage. And too much blame and resentment.

I predict that he will be with another woman within 3 months, maybe sooner. I'm willing to bet quite a bit of money on that. It's not malice that makes me say that, it's just knowing him.

Anyway,
You said: "Conversation is different. You can talk to anyone."

No, not at all! Conversation is sacred, it's how I (women?) connect on a soul level and it's what makes us want to give ourselves to a man for life. It's the key to everything. Women open up and connect emotionally in a conversation the same way you describe that a man connects with their partner through lovemaking. We share our thoughts and are vulnerable, and the response makes us feel either accepted or rejected in the same way.

It's funny, because I have actually said to H, 'You can have sex with anyone.' He was trying to explain to me that his wanting me so much was his way of showing love. Unfortunately for him, there's so many men out there who are willing to 'show their love' that the specialness is a little lost on me. (Not that I'm so amazingly attractive, it's the same for any woman.) But to find a man who wants to have long conversations with me, listen and validate? Now, that's very, very special!

So we're back to how different we are and how on Earth can we get to where we *truly* understand each other's needs... *sigh*

In the end I think it is pretty easy. Follow these rules:

Understand your partner has different but equally important needs.
Make your focus on meeting their needs regardless of whether you feel they are doing their part to meet yours.
Trust in God that in exchange for serving him by serving your spouse you will be given the strength to overcome your resentment and you will be taken care of.
Never get divorced or give up, for any reason shy of physical danger or continuing adultery.

Andy Stanley's "marriage expectations" series sums this up nicely, 1 hour total between parts 1-3. Must watch.

As for you Painter, I hear it's been a long process. I am firmly in the stand until the death or the D type of person. What 'standing' looks like differs greatly. If H is having continued affairs, or does shortly, then it does make it more clear you can't remain in a relationship. I don't doubt he will. Still, you can afford 3 months then to let it happen so you know you stood until the end and did what you could.

Anyway, good chatting with ya painter. Julie, start a new thread!

[Painter]

I just realized I expressed myself poorly - I meant if we separate, he will be with someone new quickly. I have no idea if he will continue the A or not, or if he is involved with OW at this point.

Nothing will happen fast here - it's not financially possible right now. But I don't think he will decide to commit to the M unless he feels he is completely free to choose. Of course, I may not be around for that.

[Ancaire]

I get what you're saying Zues, I do...but I kind of have a little quibble with it. I had a hysterectomy. My hormones were gone, kaput! I had zero drive. Turning it into a nightly duty would have made it a chore. Does any H really want that? (Never mind, I know the answer is yes. LOL)

I just asked him to let me know via a really simple, little act when he wanted to fool around. I never said, "no". I don't think of it spontaneously anymore. We used to be up for it at any time of day. My request was just to let me know if he was interested other than when it might be normally on the schedule, as stupid as that sounds.

It was to be a silent "hint" that we go spend some time together. I loved my H. I wanted him to be happy. But on a physical level, the hysterectomy changed me. No getting around it. I attempted to come up with some way to keep it fun, and let me know it was playtime - because it just didn't happen on its' own anymore. A work-around, if you will.

I couldn't do hormone replacement with the heart failure. I think trying to come up with some silent way to communicate was more than reasonable on my part. Why exactly do you disagree with that?

[Zues126]

I couldn't do hormone replacement with the heart failure. I think trying to come up with some silent way to communicate was more than reasonable on my part. Why exactly do you disagree with that?

Hey Anc! I'm taking these out of order. For this, I don't know that I ever stated I have a problem with this. You say you 'never said no'...let me tell you, I can't really say how that would feel because it wasn't my reality. I communicated much more than silently without much success (although at times during our M XW was accommodating). So I salute you for that (not that I expect women to never say no)!

Read on, however, and I can elaborate more on why there is a difference between initiating and responding.

My hormones were gone, kaput! I had zero drive. Turning it into a nightly duty would have made it a chore. Does any H really want that? (Never mind, I know the answer is yes. LOL)

Yes, your H's want that. I heard that all the time from XW and it drove me insane. Let me ask:

Would your children like a cooked meal from you in the evening even if you had a long day?

Would you like your H to go to work so he could pay the bills even if he felt like sleeping in?

Not only does a man wants 'chore sex', it's not a turn off that you're not in the mood...in fact, it feels extremely loving because it shows that you care enough about him to take care of him and show him love even when it requires sacrifice.

I just asked him to let me know via a really simple, little act when he wanted to fool around. I never said, "no". I don't think of it spontaneously anymore. We used to be up for it at any time of day. My request was just to let me know if he was interested other than when it might be normally on the schedule, as stupid as that sounds...It was to be a silent "hint" that we go spend some time together. I loved my H. I wanted him to be happy. But on a physical level, the hysterectomy changed me. No getting around it. I attempted to come up with some way to keep it fun, and let me know it was playtime - because it just didn't happen on its' own anymore. A work-around, if you will.

Let me ask you two questions:

1) During your marriage, how much love did you have for your husband?

2) How much of that love would you like him to feel?

The mistake people make is not recognizing that there is a difference between these two questions. A wife might love her husband with all of her mind, heart, and soul...but if she doesn't make a healthy, vibrant, stimulating, passionate, and adventurous sex life a priority, he simply won't feel any of the love from her. This is why you hear couples arguing, where the H says "you don't love me" and the W says "yes I do!".

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you want your H to feel loved, you have to love him the way he feels love. And with most men, sex is required for him to even be open to feeling any of the other expressions of love you may show.

For a moment think of parenting. Suppose a woman wanted to be a mother, that was her life long dream. So her husband agrees to start a family. Now W is a mother, she is so happy. All day long she thinks about her children. She is involved with them. She plans their meals. She helps them with homework. She studies parenting techniques to help them grow strong and healthy. She protects them. This is important to her, central to who she is, it's her identity, her passion, her life.

So going back to 'chore sex', does she want a husband who will change some diapers even if they don't want to? Yes, of course. But suppose that husband said "you're the parent, I have no desire to be a parent, so you just let me know if you need any help with the kids"? At first that might be ok, she would ask for some help, he'd give it to her. But before long something would be missing...see, she doesn't just want 'help with the kids'. She wants a PARTNER. Someone to be a coparent. Someone to share her passion, share her interest, share her journey, and share her life. She wants a husband that will contribute to different parenting strategies, that spends time as a family and share in the delight it brings. And she wants a husband who gets excited around the holidays, dresses up as santa, and makes them light up and feel all of the love the parents have together all at once.

Well ladies...replace children with sex. For millions of years we've been programmed this way. Women desire children to raise and nurture. Men desire the act of creating babies. This is why we're still around. And men feel about sex a lot like women feel about babies. Both in importance, passion, and in how it defines who they are, and how much of their life is centered around it.

I mentioned earlier that a man wants 'chore sex'. Of course we do. The same way you want your H to provide for the children when he doesn't feel like it. But to really allow a man to feel your love, you have to realize that when you marry a man you are making the same commitment to a fulfilling sex life that he is making to being a parent when you start a family. It must become a central part of HER life. It must become a passion. She should be learning ways to please men, spending hours asking about his fantasies, exploring each other's bodies, and finding new ways to put a smile on his face. And while chore sex can be ok week to week, just like a couple needs a vacation or a holiday to look forward to, there should be sexual 'holidays' planned out where he can come home to find the kids at MIL's and the W wearing a blindfold and langerie, or he should get a series of text messages hinting about the evening that she has planned over the weekend and letting things build, then rocking his world.

This isn't just some tip on an ideal marriage. It is absolutely required if a man is going to feel loved and cherished.

So chore sex 75% of the time, enjoyable engaged love making or pleasuring 15% of the time, and mind blowing exploration and adventure 10% of the time...that will make a man feel loved from his head to his toes, and he will be a puppy dog that will walk through fire to find ways to serve you forever.

Give up the last 10% and he will feel like you mean well, and in his head he knows you care, but he will feel like something is missing, and he'll feel misunderstood, and lonely, and like he settled.

Give up the other 90% and he'll feel like he's living in Hell on Earth, and will probably hope to get hit by a semi.


Yes, this is hard, hard work. It isn't always fun and easy. It doesn't always feel like what you want to do. But that is marriage. So I must go back...how much love do you want your husband to feel? Do you want him to feel lucky to have you as a partner, to walk around with a spring in his step all day, to look forward to serving you with and spending his days trying to find ways to make you feel like he does? Or are you ok trying to lower the bar lower and lower while he's feeling isolated, lonely, neglected, used, misunderstood, and not care as long as you make sure you keep getting what you want (until you realize that doesn't work because he starts acting out trying to send a message or deliberately sabatoging the marriage so you leave and he can find someone that he feels cares for him)?