Question: I do not initiate text or phone calls unless it is about our 3 kids. Since I know she is still "friends" with him, when she comes over to get the kids and she ends up staying at the house for over an hour, do I allow her to continue to slowly open up to me (as we say pave the way home smoothly; doing this would allow her to see that I'm not controlling her and I have self control because she knows I know they talk) and just never mention the friend thing, or do I say, we have nothing to talk about if you are still having friendships with other men (as this may come across as controlling her to her)?
You're doing really really well for being just 8 months in, N, a natural DBer! Have you been reading the forum since joining? I did that too - quietly read for a long time.
I would allow her to slowly open up to you, rather than cut her off. From what I remember my old DB coach telling me, he said to give my ex space, and not pursue or initiate conversations with him, but, on the other hand, if HE initiated conversation with me, that I should be friendly in a casual sort of way.
I'm not sure if telling your wife that you two have nothing to talk about if she is "having friendships with other men" is the right thing to do. If you are sure she is in a relationship with another man, that's another thing entirely, and I agree that you should not also be in relationship with her, but in my opinion, talking would be okay.
I'd be interested to get a man's opinion on this!
8 months in??? I Wish I could say that. I'm going on 18 months. I stated the short story...Here is the real long story in which I'm not proud of but I can say that this has been the most beautiful disaster that has ever occurred in my life. The changes I've gone through and the humbleness I've experienced thought out this entire situation has been incredible and much needed. God did what he had to do to make it "stick" with me.
I had a huge problem with infidelity over the history of our relationship. Then came everything else...kids, college full time for both of us, work, stress, bills, dirty dishes, laundry, etc. I took my WW for granted and felt entitled to do whatever I pleased because she wasn't going anywhere (as I had gotten away with it in the past) and I made all the money for our relationship. I now know that led to a lot of resentment for me (from my childhood; paying rent at 14 and basically being on my own) as I've come to learn a lot about myself through counseling and HONEST self-reflection. In 2014, we were really disconnected. Like seriously disconnected. Both had a lot on our plates and didn't feel loved or appreciated by the other (I understand now that we were both loving one another, just not in ways we could receive it; thank you Gary Chapman).
I cheated multiple times before marriage. I've tried but just couldn't do it while married, although I will not dismiss what I have done as "not cheating". Now, my wife found an email to another woman last July (2014) and bam, that was her last straw. She said she wanted to be alone and then developed the "friendship" with this other guy. An emotional affair in which she has trickled truth me to death over the past year and still don't know the entire truth (in which I'm sure it was physical based on all situations; us LBSs always believe that our wife's could never do that; its not her, etc.) That's when I found this website. Tried doing all the things here but as we know, our emotions are running WILD and control most of us. I honestly think we have to exhaust ourselves of the crying, begging, pleading type actions before we are truly able to let go. We were separated when all this was going on and she denied she was still talking to him, etc. I found out in December that she was still texting him so I told her, I tried the separation her way and she still lied to me and I'm moving back in. If she'd like to continue her relationship with him, by all means, go ahead but you will be moving out of our house. She ended contact with him and December and I moved back in the house.
Things were hectic during the next 5-6 months. I could tell she was still getting over him or at least, how he was able to make her feel about herself (same thing in every situation; he made me feel cared for, he listened to me like he wanted to know what I had to say, etc.) She went to individual counseling in March and went for about 5 sessions; counselor said she was really co-dependant, basically a lot of things for justifying her actions and who she was. I say that because I believe there is a way to do it as self reflection for improving yourself and a way to do it as providing excuses and saying its okay because of your past. We started Marriage counseling in May in which I allowed her to pick the therapist and we had went for 3 sessions. Then in May, her friend (who doesnt like me) was in town for the night. She asked if they could go out and eat crabs. They left the house at 1 and were drinking all day, she had posted pictures on instagram with her wedding rings off. The whole time she was texting me until 9 pm stating how she appreciated me going out with her friend, etc. Her friend is a recent divorcee as well. Needless to say, 12 am comes around and nothing from her...I call and text and no answer. I leave the house at 2 and go to the bar. I find her and the other man naked together, she jumps in his truck, and he comes out from behind a bush and blindside hits me...NAKED. I'm sure we all know what they were about to do...had to admit but I've come to reality with it as I've done it in my past. I stop fighting him and leave; its not me. The next day, I ask her to move out of the house. She does and lets me know that they did not do anything and were not intending on doing anything; they all went skinny dipping in the river (about 12 of them) but when I pulled up, those 2 were about 300 yards away from the rest of the crew.
She seems to be really remorseful through all of this over the next 2-3 weeks but I am still having to pressure her for answers as her story is not adding up. This time, I wasn't the one that messed up so I was certain that she would want to make this work the same way I did when I messed up. Boy was I wrong for that assumption. Me pressuring her put accountability on her and that was a good thing. She was distant, angry, and always flipped things on me. I couldn't figure out how she didn't want to put in the work now after her mess up!!! I was so up and down at this time and my emotions were getting the best of me, especially with triggers. I did talk about divorce and told her i wanted one because I felt she didnt want "us" anymore. I journaled and kept notes on all our interactions from June through August 1st, the day she officially told me she no longer wanted to be my wife.
I was at a standstill then. Didn't know what was going on. Thought the affair was back on with that guy, but after some research, it appeared that she was telling the truth about that in which she said, "He's dead to me." From June to October, I work on being consistent and establishing connection with her. She always ends up flipping on things and basically I can never do anything right. Stating, "we are done, we are not together anymore, I haven't given you any thing to believe that we are going to make it, etc."
On 10-1-15, I receive divorce papers with a false separation date. talk about crushing for anyone who has received those and did not want them. The end of October, my son tells me she's been texting this guy at night. The next day, I ask who he is and her whole demeanor changes. Hes a friend of Ministry. Now I think shes messing with me because I started going to church in July and was Baptized on 10/11/15. She gets upset and I just walk away. Now I haven't been checking up on her or doing any of the things I did the first time around, but I have been praying to God for him to bring to light anything that is being done in darkness because logically, I didn't understand anything going on in my life. God Answered my Prayer.
I go to Hooters with a friend. As I’m about to leave I look around and guess who is sitting there???? The guy she is talking to; right behind the booth that I’m in. I go to the bathroom to confirm his face because I’ve never seen him before. I come out and it’s him. What are the chances of this happening? He lives in different county and he’s here eating at Hooters at 9:30 on a Monday night. Now I start listening in on his conversation. He is talking to two girls with 3 kids. One named XXX whose husband had died and the other named (my wife), who has 3 kids and the kids’ father wants to be in their lives. XXX, he has known for a year and just now started talking to her “like that” (as he said) over the last month and (my wife), he’s been talking to her for 5 months. As he shows his friend pics of both women, the other guy he is with is saying that (my wife) is hotter but you have to worry about her being loyal to him, etc. The guy was like yeah, and I don’t know if I want to deal with baby daddy drama. He stated he was ready to step in and be a father at this time in his life. The other guy was telling dickhead that he should go with the widower. I was shaking. I paid my bill and left.
5 MONTHS?!?!?! This is a different guy from last year. That would explain the disconnection and lack of wanting to work on our marriage. She picked up on this new found love of "drawing" and guess what? This guy is a tattoo artist, lol. How ironic. Even found out she went to his house on Thanksgiving!!!
So my current situation is this: She is still talking to him but claims he is just a friend. I'm done killing myself with the research and I will never put myself through that again. We have been more amicable than ever over the last 2 months. We have both fired our attorneys and agreed to go through with this civilly and morally. Like I said in the original posts, she has talked with me 3 times over the last 2 weeks on very intimate levels; levels I don't think we have ever communicated on our entire relationship (I'm 31, shes 33; T: 12, M: 8). I've pulled back over the last 3 weeks and she takes it as me ignoring her. In the first talk, she talked about how she feels God is punishing her for her choices in life. In the second talk, she talked about how she has days where she's not sure she's making the right decision, etc. She talked about her dreams for the first time ever. But had no answers to my question of "HOw does having a supporting husband not help you achieve those dreams? Wont it be harder to do it alone?" I'd like to actually believe everything she told me about why she wants to take this path, but the fact is this guy didn't know me and he sat right behind me talking about my wife as if he has an option to be with her.
Shes been inconsistent and maybe doesn't catch herself opening up to me. Like today, she came to get the kids and I'm playing Bingo with my daughter and my son comes and sits next to me. We end that game and then she states, "I want to play Bingo too." So she sits there and we play Bingo as a family for the first time in probably 18 months, maybe longer. (just for Situational Awareness, I'm living in the marital home and she has been living with her mother for the past 7 months; she just got a small condo this past week).
Guess that's where I'm torn. Is she cake eating? I'm not giving her the attention, these conversations happened when she came to pick up the kids and she chose to stay longer. I'm sure she's still talking with him as she ALWAYS leaves her phone in the car when she comes in and we aren't on the same phone bill. But then again, its been about 7 months...maybe the fascination is wearing off in her "friendship"? I don't know what to think. I know my goal is to save my marriage and my family and make it to the "blissfulness" that I read about once you get past tragic events like these with a whole new found level of respect and appreciation for one another. I really have ABSOLUTELY no room for errors now; although I have reached a point where I know I will be alright either way which has helped me a ton over the last month. She has acknowledged change in me and maybe she is seeing it, I don't know. Would love some advice from the senior people on this site in regards with all the success stories and similarities found in my story.
This past 18 months has been hell for me and my family. I have put in serious work to be a better man, husband, and father and to understand why I've committed actions that I'm morally against. It has been nothing short of HUMBLING. As bad as it has been, I am grateful that God has put me here. The things I've learned about relationships and what a healthy marriage should be are immeasurable.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT SANDI IS THE MOST ACCURATE POSTER ON THIS BOARD WHEN DEALING WITH WWs. Everything she has written has been spot on and helping me understand my wife while deep in the affair fogs. SANDI, you cannot be thanked enough.
