Separated- Wife in Emotional Affair

[mvgfwd2]

The reason I said to not move out is because some guys on here have been accused of abandoning the family and it was used against them during divorce proceedings. This is something you should talk to a lawyer about so you don't fall into that hole.

Initiating the text about good luck at the interview was pursuing. This lets her know you are still her plan B and she can continue to cake-eat. Limit contact to just about coordinating with the kids.

My understanding is an inheritance is not considered something to be divided. If it is your inheritance, then you should ask for it in full. It is not hers in any context.

[Azzork]

My understanding is an inheritance is not considered something to be divided. If it is your inheritance, then you should ask for it in full. It is not hers in any context.

I think it varies by state. Where I am, if it is deposited into a joint account, or used to buy marital assets (such as a house, car, etc), them it becomes marital and would be split in a divorce.

But just because her name is on an account doesn't make it any less your money.

[Chris82]

Is this something I should be focusing on at this point? Money and belongings? Its my understanding that these types of things are what are handled during divorce proceedings.

I also have a large commercial zero turn lawnmower at our house that I obviously cant house at my apartment. We aren't legally separated, this is just a trial separation at the moment. I'm afraid to be too rash that might indicate I'm pushing for divorce. I feel like I should be using this time to work on my life and what I want.. not dividing assets and property.. Am I wrong?

[Azzork]

No. I wouldn't worry about "stuff" at this point.

But you should know where your money is and figure out how to protect yourself.

As long as your finances are intertwined, you are liable for any debt that your W accumulates.

[mvgfwd2]

I only said to get the inheritance because I despise funding an A. It wasn't to get stuff. But I see your point.

[Chris82]

I understand what many of you are saying in terms of "going dark' on my WAW. But I am a little confused by its contradiction to some of Sandi's rules. These rules state that I should not initiate contact and pull back. But, at the same time they tell me

"No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first."

So is this saying to entertain a phone call if my wife calls to talk to me? From what I take from the rules its to GAL and let my W initiate contact. but keep it short, happy, and sweet.

Can someone clarify?

[Azzork]

You don't need to completely ignore her. She's the mother of your kids! No matter what, she will be in your life in some capacity.

But you don't need to reply to EVERY text and EVERY call. If she sends a text that says like "Have a nice day." you don't need to reply to that. But if she says "will you pick up Jimmy from school today?" Then you can and should reply.

But when you do, short, cordial, to the point messages.

[mvgfwd2]

Not necessarily contradictory. In your case you will have contact with the W concerning your children. Just no need to prolong a conversation with chit chat or have discussions about things other than the kids. No "how was your day" type stuff. Just keep it to things about your kids. And you don't need to answer the calls or texts right away. You can let the call go to voicemail then you can determine if it's something you NEED to reply to, otherwise you are free to just ignore it. Same with texts. Unless it is something that must be responded to right away, like things about your kids, just let it go. Seriously, if she is just asking what you are doing for dinner what's the point replying. Remember, you are now a busy guy with all your new GAL activities (whether true or not). You don't have time for chit chat with someone that disrespects you and your family.

Same goes for when you NEED to contact the W about the kids. There aren't many things you need to initiate contact with her about. The kids for coordinating their care. Maybe a few other things that you absolutely MUST contact her about. None of the 'good luck on the interview", etc. stuff.

If you are on a phone call and need to hang up just say you have to go because some friends are waiting. Don't elaborate. Just leave the impression you are busy and having fun.

She has to feel the loss of you and that you will not be available for her plan B if the OM doesn't work out. Don't let her think for a second you are going to be around for plan B.

[trumpet]

By NOT answering her calls, she will be annoyed, but will start to realize you're not there for her. She will, after some time, begin to understand you are not plan B, with plan A being the other man. In withdrawls from an affair, plan A is still in front of you, and probably by a long ways.

You looking like a willing participant to plan B at any time will put plan A in a more dominant place. 'Look at this, Chris wants to be my friend, even when I'm pooping on him... awesome, he's such a great father, and such a nice guy. I think that means I can continue to see the OM and have Chris as my backup plan!'.

She will have to clear the fog of the affair. It's like she was possessed - at least that's how my wife seems right now.

I've heard some call it tough love. Tough love isn't yelling at your kids - tough love is putting your arm around them, when they're hurting, getting into their inner circle, and helping them to understand their actions were wrong, and how to fix it in the future. It's tough on BOTH parties.

Distance many times makes the heart grow fonder. You won't be burning your love bridge by putting distance between you and her.

Mvgfwrd2's adivce is very wise.

Ever lose someone close to you, Chris? How the grief comes in waves? And how you gradually become strong enough to recall those deeply personal memories and not cry, but smile at them?
And cherish them? That's what it feels like in my journey with my WW. I'm strong enough now to truly GAL and detach. There are bad days, but yesterday was a GREAT day. Today, I hope for the same.

Re-read Sandi's rules, print them out, and highlight the ones you're struggling with. Read them every morning. Your other homework - write down what YOU want to do with your gift of time. YOUR time. YOUR life. YOUR mission of love to those around you. Short term - write 2 or 3. Long term - write 2 or 3. Dare to think about your life, and your daughter, and where a spectacular life would put you. Kids have a way of putting our focus on the minute and day. Start to take a 10,000 ft. view of your life... pull back the focus on the mundane. And if you have a great church, get involved.

[Chris82]

Trumpet,

Thank You! That was very well put. I really appreciate you guys. I was just telling a coworker just how comforting it is to know there are people going through the same nightmare I am with a WAW. When it feels like this situation is so uniquely painful, it's good to have the support of such good and comforting folks. You guys will never know how big of a difference you've made to me even in this short time. Thanks so much for your support. I hope you all have a great day!