Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Thanks for that perspective, trumpet. It would be nice to not need her. I'm headed in that direction... I have continued to hold to no R talks, no pursuing. Things feel empty and dark in the house, not much communication happening at all, other than mundane stuff to coordinate our plans, etc.

Tomorrow, we are scheduled for a MC appointment. I feel uncertain about what, if anything I should say. It's not in my nature to be dishonest or manipulative at all, and it seems silly to be dark in a MC session, like a waste of money. I'm inclined to just be honest and say something along these lines:

I am in the process of letting go and taking space, trying to find the parts of me that I somehow lost along the way. I recognize that my W is not in a place herself where it would be safe or self-loving for me to continue holding on, and so I have decided to let go. I love her, I love our family, and although I want to do everything I can to save our M, I have come to realize that there's only so much I can do if she does not want the same thing. For that reason, out of respect for myself and for her, I am stepping away to reflect on myself, my life, and where I want to go from here.

There is more that I could say about what I would need in order to feel safe enough to step back toward her, should she decide that she had changed her mind that "it's over", but I definitely wouldn't want to say any of that unless she first indicated that she had in fact changed her mind. But what if she does? What if tomorrow at MC she communicates that she isn't feeling certain anymore that it's over? I'd like to be prepared with what I would say if that happened. I think the truth is that I wouldn't be ready to jump back in. Now that I have started letting go, I can see that I have a lot more letting go, healing, and finding myself that I need to do to feel strong in my sense of self enough that I could be ready to either A) rebuild a new R with my W, or B) seek a new R with someone else. A part of me still wants to jump right back into hoping that the M can be saved, but I recognize now how I was inappropriately bonded to her against my own best interest given the circumstances. To go back to that state now would be self abandonment.

I can say all of this now, but I'm nervous because I don't know if I 100% trust myself to hold to this tomorrow at the MC session.