dday, rebuilding

[dday]

Thanks az. Hope you are doing well

[dday]

More from the IC/Priest. He is becoming a friend to me too. So It is awesome that I have met him. (I'm not even Catholic, but my W and kids are) He is encouraging me to branch out more and meet more people. (GAL) He thought it is awesome that the boys and I are going to start the building process. I think it will be great to have something productive to focus on. He said it is a great way to show the world that I haven't rolled over and quit. And a symbol of a new beginning. He offered to come and bless it when I am done. Also said that he makes pretty good sushi... which I find awesome.

I have noticed lately that I feel lighter. I survived the legal process. Maybe that is why. Accepting the reality more? Still not happy with it, but I can't change it.

I am still frustrated that XW parents are spoiling her right now. I can't agree with them enabling her. And it is all for her, new clothes and furniture for what used to be my den. Not much in there for the boys. BUT, I also don't want her to come back because she needs money. IF she ever decided that she wants to R, I want it to be about her and I and the boys.

And honestly, it doesn't matter if her parents prolong her reality shock, because she isn't even close to ready to be with me. She is like a totally different person that looks like a girl I love. As I heard or read recently... I'm in love with a ghost right now.

Priest asked me what I thought about the "new" xw. I told him that I don't like her. She is like a rebellious teen and thinks of herself first, consequences be damned. That is not the person I fell in love with. He said it is common for people to go through a phase like this during a major life change. I can believe that, just don't like it.

So, if she came back today and wanted to try... it wouldn't work. As Sandi said, it takes way longer than you would think. I am 11 months and a D into it, and I still don't recognize her. It's sad, but it's her journey to make and she doesn't want me holding her hand through it now.

[gs9]

dday,
you hit the nail right on the head. "it's her journey to make and she doesn't want me holding her hand through it now."

Not only do our WXW not want us but they have chosen other men over us. If they are ever going to be able to R they must hit rock bottom. They will not hit rock bottom if they have us to lean into, rely on or count on us. They must do it with out us or they will never appreciate us. Usually change only occurs when there is a significant amount of pain. Our WXW must experience the pain of their choices.

This is all a reminder for me too.

Keep on Dbing because it's really about becoming a better you regardless of what she does.

[Ancaire]

D - Let's try something new. You have trained your brain to think of W nearly all the time. You don't do it consciously - it's just that since this started, you've given it so much thought that now, that's the first place your brain wants to go.

Let's try some cognitive therapy. Think of something that doesn't involve W, that makes you really happy. You were raised in the country? Did you have a horse you loved? A dog? Did you have something really awesome happen when you were in high school? It doesn't matter what it was - it just has to not involve W in any way. (Sadly, your boys won't work for this, they're connected to W.) A vacation? A place you went that you thought was absolutely amazing?

Find one thing and really think about it. Picture it. Fill in any fuzzy spots. This is your touchstone. Next time your thoughts drift to W, intercept the thought and replace it with your touchstone. Your thoughts are going to immediately jump back to W. You're going to immediately force them back to touchstone. Start doing this for 5 minutes a day, at first.

I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard, really, really hard. But you've got your thoughts in a groove, which is making it really hard for you to detach and stop thinking about W. You are literally retraining your mind. You're creating a new groove, some other place your mind will want to go.

When you get this down, and it's only hard at first - it gets easier and easier, you're going to find yourself thinking about that thing that makes you happy way more often that you think of W. It works, but it takes some commitment to practice. Commitment is something I know you understand!

Heck, you could even picture a sweet automobile, say a 69 Charger? Something that brings a smile to your face. Even your new house plans will do. Just commit to practicing at least once a day, at first. You're going to find yourself doing it more and more often without even having to remind yourself to do it.

In a very short amount of time, you're going to be in here telling me how awesome I am. (I know, you do this already - but I'll be even more awesome!)

The relief you get from not having W on your mind nearly all the time? Amazing. Freeing.

[dday]

I will try this judy. Thanks!

[JksD]

Dday, just dropping in to say hi.

[tl2]

You have trained your brain to think of W nearly all the time. You don't do it consciously - it's just that since this started, you've given it so much thought that now, that's the first place your brain wants to go.

This is where I've been for a while now. My brain automatically thinks about the old life and marriage. Amazing how many things I encounter during the day either remind me of the XW or perhaps are used by me subconsciously as an excuse to think about her.

D, I am inspired by your example and progress.

[dday]

Thanks for checking in grl. Tl2, most days I don't feel like much of an inspiration. But the last 48 hours have been pretty good. I feel lighter and have been laughing and joking more. Getting kinda excited about designing and building. Looking at vehicles. I still don't have much money, but a house payment will be half of rent. So that will help immensely.

Saw XW twice last night. Picked up boys after work and she and I chatted for 10 minutes. I had good PMA, and I didn't have to try. Felt very comfortable talking to her. I hurt my hand at work, and it looks a lot worse than it is, but she became pretty concerned and ran into the house to get me some cream stuff we used on S7. It was nice to see that she still cares.

Dropped boys back off (had to work early today) and talked some more, both of us standing outside shivering in our pjs. Again, I was very comfortable talking to her, and I must be getting used to this. When I left, I had the beginning feelings of the pain of losing her, but it passed very quickly. I think it's great that we can talk this easily, and I think it will go a long way for R if that ever is on the table. But, she still made a comment that proves her neglect for my feelings is still there. That may take a while, I guess. I'm sure she didn't even realize...

Thats all for now. Hope all is well in DB land

[dday]

A couple more interactions between me and xw. Both went very well. I coughed, and she noticed that I still have this cold type sickness that I have had over 2 months now. Seems that she is starting to pay a bit of attention. May be nothing... boys told me about her new tv, and she quickly explained that she used her Christmas money to buy it. Not sure why she needed to tell me that. Told me about S8 bday party, which was a way of inviting me, I think. It's a sleepover with tons of kids at a gymnastics place we rented last year. She will probably want help.

S8 was talking to me 2 days ago, and said that he wished we would get back together this month, but he would settle for next year. I love my kids. I didn't really say anything promoting or denying his feelings. (I wish the same things, I'm just not as patient!) Then last night when I was talking about building, they were all excited. But, S8 asked me how long I planned on living in the new place. I told him I wasn't sure. He said "mommy will probably never leave her house though." I think he's afraid that if I build a new place, that will prevent any future r. I think it would be a great idea, to start fresh. That is with xw or whoever I end up with.

Here's a little bit of crazy. We are getting along well. Better than the entire last year, since the legal part is done. Part of me thinks that this is best. Less stress. Helps lead toward r. Part of me is freaked out because we are getting along better since we are now d. I don't want her to feel that things are better and never want to R, but I want to show her what things could be like if we did. Any thoughts on that?

[Ancaire]

Thoughts? You're borrowing trouble worrying about tomorrows. Remember? All you can do is think about 1 day at a time.

How are you doing practicing the brain training I suggested? LOL