She'll need to want to come back and be close to 100%. I had a wife realize she was wrong for having an EA. We started to reconcile, but I wanted fixes quickly, she wanted it very slowly - her healing from the love of the EA never really started.
Things took a nasty backslide because of me, and the wife has thrown it all away. Our oldest, 14, is mad at her right now, and wants us to put things back together.
Sounds like this flame will flame out in time - and then you'll have to make decisions. Don't give up hope, but realize you're getting a gift to work on yourself and your R with the kids at this time. It doesn't feel like that, I know. Read books. Take walks. Listen to some youtube videos on marriage, and why they break down. Learn about being a good father and how you can support the love language of your wife. It's probably why you're in the sitch you are.
Waiting like a dog for his master at the door will not get her back any sooner. Flex the brain, flex some iron, and clean up your physical and mental arenas.
You can do this - your sitch. has lots of positives in it.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Okay, thanks for answering my questions. So, they work together. That's not good. After the A has ended, one of them will need to work elsewhere and not continue being in the same workplace.
So, do you have a plan in mind, or wanting us to help you with one? Are you following the rules, just to have some direction at the moment?
If you have read the threads on a wayward wife, does it describe your W, as she is presently?
What you learn here will seem very opposite of what you feel should work and what you "want" to do. Once a woman becomes wayward, she has a lot of resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. As a man and as her H, the first area you need to focus on is the lack of respect she holds for you.
A husband cannot pursue a wayward wife! Worst thing he can do. The more he tries to persuade her to go back into the MR and give "him" another chance, the less attractive he appears to her. If she doesn't respect you, then she isn't going to see you as being a strong, attractive male. The 37 rules will give tell you how to step back and not go into pursuit mode. Do not smother her with your "presence" or attention. It may not feel natural, but it is necessary while she is in an affair.
One way of becoming more attractive to a WW is by not being so available to her, and not jumping to her commands. Becoming a more decisive man, and getting a personal life that does not include her. The WW really needs to see that she is "losing" you. In order to help her see what she's losing, don't go around wearing your heart on your sleeve. Don't act clingy, pitiful, begging, etc. Anything that causes you to appear "weak" is an automatic turn-off to her. And, I mean the inner part of you, not the physical. However, it doesn't hurt to polish up that outward guy, too. Getting a life with friends and enjoying activities for yourself will help more than you could realize at the moment. It also works to cause curiosity in the WW. She suddenly wants to know everything you are doing. Keeping some mystery about your life is good! Don't lie to her, but neither do you need to tell her every detail. It helps to draw her attention and interest back on her husband. She has to see that she is putting him back out there and making him available again. Does she really want to let him go?
I'll warn you, it will get worse before it gets better. the selfishness of a WW is incredible. She is motivated by her own selfishness. She is also extremely manipulative. You cannot trust her! You cannot believe her! She will test you, use you, and lie to you. This isn't the girl you first M.
If the WW doesn't experience certain things along this journey, it continue for years. Sometimes she doesn't stay in the same A, and will hop from man to man......searching for that happiness she thinks is out there for her. She has a fantasy and she is completely illogical. There is no reasoning with crazy! The only way she will return to sanity and become herself again, is to learn the hard way. Her fantasy has to crumble, and all resources that you enable for her to continue on in this lifestyle needs to stop. The WW has to experience consequences due to her decisions, and basically, her fantasy has to crumble into dust. The H has to step back and allow her to face the reality she has created. This is not the time to bend over backwards trying to prove to her how much you love her. Your fight for the M will be a new battle fought in a new way. Your love is being sorely tested, and in order for this M to survive, you will have to stand firm in your values, standards, and spiritual beliefs.
It would probably be wise for you to have some alone time to seriously consider your personal boundary lines. Where do you draw the line in relationships? How far do you allow a person to mistreat you or openly disrespect you? Boundaries are designed to protect us. It is as if there was an invisible circle drawn around yourself, and you decide what can and what cannot cross over that line. The same principle is true in every area of our lives. It especially applies if you have a wayward wife. This is not the girl you use to know. You have to display inner strength and courage. You have to be firm and love from a distance. You cannot afford to cater to her, allow her to run over you, or to "use" you for her own selfish desires. Letting her have her way, is not the magic cure. She has changed and you will not be able to do what you may have once thought could work to pull her back. It is so very different with a WW. So, please, I encourage you to read all the links on the WW.
If you have been passive throughout your MR, and basically allowed her to make the decisions, call the shots, and run the show......thinking it would make her happy, keep the peace, or whatever......you need to make an about face and learn that this is one of the worst mistakes a H can make. (More about that topic in the WW threads.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am sure my wife won't leave her job but she may switch shifts.
I kinda have a plan in mind. We have talked about what reconciliation would take. Dating for a bit. No contact with om. Transparency. Counciling. But I really have no plan for the current situation other than to go live life and if she calls she calls. I don't plan on calling her and avoiding her when she drops off the kids.their grandma can do the exchange. So I would be open to hear your advice.
Really since the first week I haven't talked to her much other than a few things about the kids. She's asked for a hug a few times. She has tried manipulating a few times with the kids.. Right now I won't let my life their daughter see her because I feel it's too confusing. My ww is neither cold or angry. She blameshiffted to her friends that know of the affair but that's it. We're cordial when I was doing the kid switch and I tried to act indifferent to her. She hasn't asked for a divorce and I am not pushing for one. We live in Nevada and it can be over in 10 days
Not sure what you mean about boundaries though. I mean not sleeping with another man was one but she's broken that. My young boys are around this guy and I can't really stop it although I have asked her to stop. I am not sure how far I go with this. I am 43 tall handsome guy. Been hitting the gym and lost 20lbs. I will find another woman when I am ready. I want to save this marriage but the longer I wait the more I feel like Plan B to her. Or the more I read on here it all seems like it will be so hard and such a game to move past all this.
I feel like I can forgive. I am not sure if that will change if she tries to come back. I want to be the Lighthouse for her but also am scared to have to go through this all again or even trying to work it out and it fail.
In some ways I feel bad for her that she has gotten herself into such a predicament. Now she's paying for a house she rented and all the bills and raising two boys. No family really. And not a lot of friends and interests. We were her family and interests.
I am just confused. I miss her and our family but is it time to clear the slate and start over with someone else. What if she comes back then? I wanted to give her 6 months but really. If she can't decide in 30 days I may file and just move on
I have been taking care of myself. My kids and I are closer than ever. I have been trying to gal. It's just always on my mind.
My ww and the om keep telling their spouse or hinting that their relationship isn't serious. In her words you are overthinking it. It's not like that. Well am I suppose to feel better that she betrayed me and our family for something that wasn't serious.
Right now I feel like the affairs out in the open. She is really not that into this guy but it's really her only friend right now. She wants to come home but is unsure. She rented this stupid house out of panic and he's staying there sometimes. Now she doesn't know how to undo everything.
I also realize she probably isn't in love with me right now and unsure if that will return. She has seen changes in me. I have handled this whole thing quite differently than she imagined I would. She sees me close to the kids and has gone from telling me I never loved her and the boys to saying sorry about saying such things.
How long should I expect before she comes around. How long before this guys wore out his welcome. All questions and no answers
Been reading a lot of the older posts and other threads and looking for how that applies to my situation but could use some more advice to mine directly
That's within about a week of when my H started talking to the OW. It's amazing how fast they worm their way into your family and walk away with your spouse. I still don't understand how spouses are so ready to just throw everything away for someone that they don't even know very well.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Is that what you are looking for someone to tell you?
It sounds like you have started on the right path.
How is the homework going that I gave you?
Knowledge is Power.
Originally Posted By: Wrigley
Do I go dark or try to be a friend in a world where she doesn't have many
Right now she is not your friend, you have been fired from that capacity. Begging, pleading, pursuing is not going to work and will yield you the opposite results.
Darn. I thought most affairs are over in 5-6 months. Wrigley, post on other threads so people find their way to you. I've been through a similar thing, where my W also said she wanted to come home, and didn't know how to let the affair go. She said breaking up with me didn't feel right. But in the end that's exactly what she did. I don't know that doing anything differently would have made a difference. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
