New Year..Need new goals

[25yearsmlc]

Rain,

Just wanted to say hi and address something else from your last thread. Let me see if this cuts/pastes right. (You'd think I'd know how to do this perfectly by now...)



I've read & learned from experience, that grief gives us, temporarily, the "merciful numbness of shock."

Later, as we begin to grasp the loss, we enter the phase of "mourning", and eventually we learn to live with & absorb the loss.

Not "all better", but able to function well enough.


With the loss of a R that had become toxic, as I believe yours has (sorry)
there's something better than what we "gain" when we lose a loved one thru death, for example. (I mean, losing a loved one forever and while you loved them, isn't something you "gain" from. )


But the end of a R that was hard on you but which produced 3 children whom you love, isn't a grief from which you cannot recover.

Knowing you can someday, IF you wish, pursue a different type of R, one that enriches your life and soothes/comfort/encourages you, is such a worthy goal.

IMO, all "successful" Dbers have not saved their marriages; but they have all saved themselves. Sometimes that means their marriages work out; sometimes it doesn't.

But to me, "DB Success" here is about ultimately being more content with our lives, more loving and lovable people,

who value commitment and boundaries, and who know the difference.

I think you are turning a corner.

If this R is to ultimately end up in a healthy marriage, it means the Toxic R first must end.

I've read that about 15% of people end up remarrying their exes, usually with a relatively high success rate the 2nd time around. I've had 2 family members do it.

But they split up first, and not for a few months. One was divorced for 5 years, and the other for 3. They each, individually grew and changed.

IMO, If they'd stayed together in their first M's as they were, they'd never have reconciled or grown as people. They'd have either stayed miserable and passed that on as a marriage model, or they'd have divorced with finality and anger.

But 2nd, better marriages can happen.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. It's very very hard. But it is not eternal or fatal.

Remember this^^.

And ask yourself these questions:

1) "If my life were a novel, who has the author been thus far/recently?

2) Shouldn't it be me?

Alright then, so, 3) how do I want the next chapter(s) to go?"


We must all be the authors of our lives. It's so easy to let someone else write it for us, but that's not going to give us what we want or need.

((( hugs )))