I've been reading posts on this board since my husband of 11 years walked out on me 9 days ago.
My story is similar to so many. Married 11 years, no children. On Sunday after Christmas he decided to go for a bike ride. The bike riding obsession started a few months ago but I didn't think much of it. I don't like bikes but I was one of those wives that didn't mind if her husband did things on his own. But on Sunday something was different so before he left I asked him why he was going for a bike ride in 90+ degree heat. He then told he that he was leaving me. I convinced him to talk for a bit and his excuse for leaving was that I didn't let him ride his bike to work. When I told him he could ride his bike and I'd find my own way to work (we only have 1 car) he then told me that we never "clicked" (whatever that means) and one I don't think I've seen on this board yet that because we liked different things we couldn't go on vacation together (to that I responded that it wasn't anything that a good travel agent couldn't fix). He wouldn't look at me and then just got up and left. I sent him a few pathetically begging texts that Sunday before I found these forums and general information about the midlife crisis (he's 41 and I'm 39) and stopped. I haven't heard from him in 9 days and I haven't emailed, texted or otherwise made contact. He took his 2 bikes, most of his bike clothes, the iPad and a pair of shoes. As far as I can tell he hasn't been back to the house. The day before he left he spent most of the day texting on his phone. He told me there wasn't another woman but I'm not sure. He always used to say that he had a lot of female friends but that they wouldn't sleep with him.
To give you a bit more background on our marriage. I left my career and moved countries. When I got to the new country my qualifications weren't recognised so I had to rebuild my career from the bottom. Career-wise I'm in a good place now with a job that pays enough to support the lifestyle I want.
My husband is a scientist so you'd think that he would be analytical and rational but in 11 years I've noticed that he's one of the most suggestible people I know (other than listening to me of course). He once sent money to a Nigerian scammer but didn't tell me (I found the Western Union receipt in a suitcase I was cleaning). He has also signed up to give money to organisations he has no interest in just because he's had a phone call or been talked to on the street. This scares me because in the situation we find ourselves in, I feel that who he ends up hanging out with will determine whether we stay together or not.
So fast forward to yesterday and why I ended up writing this post. There are 2 women at work that I am close to and told them what had happened with my husband. Yesterday, they decided to tell me about somethings they had seen about my husband on Facebook. See there's another woman I work with that I used to be friends with. I am no longer friends with her because this woman is toxic (so toxic that after numerous complaints from multiple people the boss moved her to a different section). She is the type of woman that can only be friends with men but not other women. My husband particularly liked this woman because she was "fun". "Fun" for her means getting drunk whenever she wants and then trash talking people behind their back. My fun is reading, going to concerts and being with my cat so this woman is basically my opposite. The reason I am no longer friends with her is that one day out of the blue she simply stopped talking to me. From our previous friendship I knew that she was trying to test me and play with my feelings (she admitted she did this to people for fun). I accepted that she no longer wanted to be friends and simply got on with my life and my job. She continued to say horrible things about me behind my back that made my other work friends and non-work friends uncomfortable (everyone avoids the kitchen when she's in there). At year later she sent me an email saying she wanted to be friends. I ignored it (why would I want to be friends with someone like this?). Anyways, my husband loved this particular friend and encouraged me to fix the rift. I told him that it was over with her and asked him for my sake to not contact her.
Yesterday I found out that for a few months she's been saying to people (hoping it would get to me) that my husband had been telling her he was unhappy, etc. My friends saw this for the fake drama it was and never told me. I don't know if this is true or not but it sounds true. My friends also told me that they could see from Facebook that he's accepted the invitation to go to her birthday party on Saturday. She's currently single and her teenage daughter has moved out (I also found out yesterday). I don't know if they've slept together. I suspect not but at a minimum perhaps some sort of emotional affair. The other problem with the birthday party is that many of the other people there will be people that I work with. I don't want my personal crisis to be the topic of conversation around the water cooler (I try to keep my private life private, unlike her). I don't know if he's doing this for his own amusement and not thinking of me or if he's deliberately trying to hurt me (like her). My main feeling about this is shame and embarrassment. Other than this woman, I'm well respected and liked at work. I can only hope that my other workmates are decent people that won't fall into this woman's drama.
I want to work this out with him. I know (on an intellectual level) that I can't control his feelings or make him want to work on the marriage. I come from a family where we work on things - my parents have been married for close to 40 years and my grandparents made it to 60.
I'm trying to move on. I got a separate bank account (in doing so I've found out he's bought some furniture, the bill didn't say where it was delivered). I go to work. I go to yoga. I went to see a counsellor who advised me that I could change for him (if I wanted) but if it wasn't authentic then I'd have to maintain a fake self for the next 40 years (good point). I'm going to try yoga therapy too. I'm trying to go the things that I want to do which tend to be fairly quiet - books, music, cat. It seems that what he wants is typical midlife crisis - bars, loud music and being drunk (ironic because when he was with me he'd complain that 2 glasses of wine wrecked the next day).
I love this man but he's behaving like a toddler. I was blindsided when he walked out. We had issues but in the weeks before he left I made an effort to do things with him and go out. We went to outdoor markets, concerts. We had a good Christmas. I had finished a difficult period at work and he was recently promoted. I never complained about activities he wanted to do on his own and encouraged him to go out with the guys even if I didn't want to go. I don't know why he didn't tell me he was happy. We could have worked on it.
I'm thinking of changing the locks in the house but I'm not sure it's a good idea. I don't want him coming in with other people. I worry about my cat (if he doesn't care about me there's nothing to stop him from leaving a door open out of spite).
