I can barely remember the ugly fight now...but I do know every ugly thought I have about him came flying out of my mouth.
He was angry at me when I went to his office. I went in there to ask him a simple question about something we were attempting to do in order to cancel the emergency hearing tomorrow. He started spewing at me, and saying all kinds of ugly things.
For the longest time, I kept calm. I just validated, and refused to engage, and tried to steer him back to what I needed. At some point, though, he found the magic button, and I reared up and fought back.
I know I told him he was a lousy excuse for a father. I know I asked him to never tell me he loved the kids again, because his actions proved he loved them way less than himself, or more importantly his d*ck. (I cannot believe I said that, but I clearly remember doing it.) I made comments about his morals, his lack of ethics, and how I couldn't stand to look at him, hear his voice, or have to be anywhere around him. I told him he was just like his poor excuse of a father. I told him I was so sorry I ever married him.
Let's see...what else came out in my lovely spew? I reminded him about how much trouble I had trusting people, something he well knew, and the one person on earth I'd learned to trust, namely H, had taught me a lesson I will never forget - you cannot trust anyone. I said a lot more...none of it nice.
I wonder if this is what Vanilla was forecasting when she said she thought she'd see anger bubbling up from me next. I was certainly angry. I said all kinds of things I never meant to say. I wounded him, too. I don't feel very good about it.
Yes, he deserved it. But I really try to be kind - and that is exactly what I was not. He wasn't nice, either, but everything he said I countered with something even uglier.
I apologized for exploding like that. It was not my intention. I had one single question to ask him. I had no idea I had so much anger hiding beneath the surface. Neither did he!
Oh! He started pointing out all my faults as a wife, and I cut him off by reminding him that I've apologized over and over for my wrongs. I am not prepared to do that any more. I then pointed out that his total number of apologies to me equal zero. I said one of us was clearly capable of seeing the truth, if the other wanted to believe his own bullcrap, that was his problem, but not to ever bring it up to me again.
