Back on these forums again 5

[Gmum]

Mona, so good to hear from you.

Sounds like you're killing it at home and at work. I can't even fill out the divorce papers.

In my next R I want a tall man too.

[Mona52]

I wont lie Gmum, he made me feel like I was in this protective cocoon when we were dancing. Yes, it is more important what is in their heart then any physical feature, but it still felt niiiiceee.

D papers are confusing. I dont have marital assets and things to split so I can just sign everywhere it says Plaintiff and I will be fine.

[Mona52]

Well, I just received a shock. I have not seen my H in a while. I think I saw him for a minute the day after Thanksgiving when he accused me of opening his mail.

I do not ever ever see my criminal sister. Technically, she is not allowed in my mother's house (where I live) because the three houses surrounding my mom's house she burglarized and once you are released from prison, I guess you are not allowed near your victims.

That technicality does not stop her. 2 nights ago $200.00 was stolen from my mother's purse. I know it was my sis.

Of course, I installed a camera in my bedroom when I moved in. I am at work, and I just saw my bedroom door open, and my sis, my H and my mom all walk in my room. The roof is leaking in the closet so they were checking that out. I had no idea my mom would ask my H, who has NEVER fixed a thing in the last 20 years, and my sis, who is robbing her blind to help her with her roof. The roof leaking is causing electrical issues, which is what she wants fixed.

I was sorting through clothes last night. I ordered some clothes recently that are a bit racy. They were on the bed. He walked in, stopped dead when he saw the bed and quickly turned completely around. I have it recorded. Now I can reply how a thong affects my jerkface over and over.

I just better not get burglarized...
Focus on goals, focus on goals.

[ARose]

Mona, I would love to see that video of your H reacting to the thong. LOL.

Not to diminish your situation, but that is really funny.

Maybe you should install a lock on your door? Seriously. Your privacy needs to be respected, that is creepy.

[Ancaire]

ROFLOL!!!

H saw your thong! That's rich...now he's putting that sight together with your text conversation about being the OW, and I bet he is hurting...big time.

I don't know how you stayed calm when your bedroom door opened and that particular trio entered the space. Were you too shocked to react at first? Or were you more curious to see what they were up to?

[Gmum]

Hahaha! You couldn't even make that stuff up.

Ancaire is right, he just put two and two together.

[Mona52]

I'm a glutton for punishment. I did rewatch that vid a few times last night. I wanted to see if my sis was scoping out my stuff to steal it. When it reached the part where my H looked around, it felt like he was judging me. Like my new space was not clean enough, or the items I had were ... I dont know the word ... just wrong for him.

It felt like he was looking down his nose kinda.

Why do I always feel complete opposites with him? How can I feel both completely inferior and absolutely superior at the exact same time?

I could not understand it, but I think I can see what I am doing.

I assumed I was feeling inferior to him when I felt he was judging. But that is not the case. I feel he is comparing me to what I should be. I am feeling inferior to what I think he thinks I am supposed to be. I know this makes no sense, because I have no idea how to put it in words.

I do feel superior to him, and inferior to me. I could be better, I should be better.

Now that I puzzled that out I can see it is ridiculous. If my real self is in any way inferior to what he believes I should be, who cares? I am pleased with my real self at least 80% of the time

So when I figured that out, I rewatched the vid again and everytime I felt he was looking down his nose I stopped and tried to see myself as I really am, and not what I think he is thinking. Now I can watch the vid without feeling judged. I dont care what is happening inside his head, only what is happening inside my head.


On a very positive note... I woke up this morning and I am one tiny pound away from my first 10 pounds gone. It was not as hard as I hoped so maybe I can remove the next 10 as easily. I know it gets harder the more you drop.

And YES PP, I know I am not supposed to me looking at the actual weight, just focusing on the activities to reach a goal, but it still feels good to see the weight loss

[Mona52]

Better look at what I did on my goals today. I am getting an itch like I am not taking enough action in my life and My brain will come up with a huge project for me to do if I feel I am starting to stand still.

Goal 1 was saving. I am broke, nothing I can do for that today, except, I accepted another book from the publisher. I already finished the 4 chapters due at the end of January today, so I am going to use the money I will get for that book once it is published as savings. So I can say I took a baby step towards this goal.

Goal 2. RUN! I am ashamed to say, not only did I not run yesterday like I wanted to, I went to bed at 7:30 PM. I was trying to deal with anger at my H yesterday. While he was in my home, with my sis and mom, my mother started to really yell at my S. It was 3:00 PM in the afternoon and the recycling was not picked up yet. My S is used to the trash and recycling coming before 8:00 AM, so at 3:00, when he saw the bin full, he thought we were accidentally skipped. He took the bin around to the back of the house, full.

I was not there, but I guess my mother had an fit at this. She was yelling at my S. My H ignored it all and just went home. My stupid sis, whom I have not spoken to in years, was the only one to tell my mom to shut up, that it was not my S's fault. Of course my mom did not listen to her so my S got reemed.

I was able to help my S when I got home. He was very upset by the whole thing, but I made it all better and he was happy. I scooped up my D15 and S12 and took him to get a hair cut and a new pair of school shoes. He ripped the bottoms off his school shoes yesterday so I had no choice. But I only had $50 to cover school shoes, a hair cut and tip and the ingredients to make spaghetti. We had to go to 3 different stores until I found a pair of shoes for $20.00, so by the time we got his hair done, we were pulling into the grocery store well past a normal dinner time.

D17 called saying she was locked out of the house and it was like 10 degrees outside. So we left the store, ran home, unlocked the door and all drove back to the store. I found the cheapest ground beef I could, and by the time I got home I was frazzled with stress.

The good news is my kids, who never, ever eat my dinners, all ate a ton and told me it was the best spaghetti in a while. I did the dishes and fell into bed, exhausted and fell right to sleep. So no running... Today I will run like Mr. Gump!

The bad part about sleeping so early is I woke up at 2 and could not fall back to sleep. I am functioning on fumes today. My bed was so empty and last night I just shivered all night. I could not pull my thoughts away from 3 different men, so I could not sleep.

Goal 3. I did not reach out to SCORE, but I did do a little research on the top 10 threats businesses should look out for in 2016. Hackers are getting more and more clever and I love reading what they are up to next. I can use that in my plan so I am counting that as a baby step done today.

Goal 4. I really did not feel like digging into this goal today. I am giving myself a pass because I did extra work on a different project.

Goal 5. My friends invited me to join them in a dance for the March of Dimes in March today. I will buy that ticket on Friday (payday), so that is a baby step in this goal.

Okay, it looks like I took a few baby steps today. I know why it feels like i am not doing anything. First, I still have my house. I moved from my house and we were supposed to pack it up and I can give the landlord my notice and move out. I am still paying on it because we still have some stuff there and I dont know how to move the rest alone.

It is weighing on my mind so heavily. I cant really afford the rent, because I gave my mom money for the house we live in. I feel stuck. I asked my H to help me at the end of December. He said he would talk to me after the new year. I asked him again on Jan 2nd, he ignored me.

I held my anger in check and did not say a word. I have to do this myself. I cant just do a bunch of other things to get rid of my stuck feeling. I will continue to feel like I am not moving as long as I have the house hanging over my head.

Also, I wanted to get one piece of school work done today, and I did not.

It is only 2 PM. I have the opportunity to both finish my school work and work on the house a little more to feel better. I had to post it here though so everyone knows. That way I cant just bury it on the back burner and pretend it is not there.

Before I go to bed, this WILL be my day. PERIOD. Now until the end of the work day, finish my school work.
Go home, Run.
Get dinner for cherubs. Finish dishes.
Drive S12 to Basketball practice. Take girls to the house. Move 4 car loads (I have a very very tiny car, lol) 2 with one D and 2 loads with the other D to my mom's house. Move EVERYTHING from basement to living room.
Pick up S from B-ball and fight him for dibs on shower.
Vacuum livingroom and stairs while I do my laundry.
DONE!

WOW, i feel so much better now. I should have kept posting my short term goals for a while now. I still feel like a freak when I say my plans out loud. But it feels like a release when I have them listed and it feels glorious when I tick one off after another. Now I just need the courage to hit the submit button...

[Mona52]

I have 2 pieces of school work to complete in the next 25 days. Thanks to me finally posting my goal on here, one is done and I just dove into the other. I feel unbelievably better now that I finished that. If I would have not done that first piece, I would have lost more than I can say. I am in the running for a fellowship from the National Science Foundation. I will find out in March if I have won. But I would have been disqualified completely if I had not turned in the one paper I turned in today. The fellowship gives me $12,000 for tuition and almost $35,000 per year for 5 years to do research. And I keep my full-time job. If I win I will not need H in any way financially.

I don't care if I feel like a freak. I have to continue to post my goals on here. Or I wind up ignoring some because of fear.

Once I run, and pack up more of that house today I am going to fall asleep feeling like queen of the world. And I will be tired enough I can't possibly toss and turn all night. Just in case, I may crack open a little wine tonight

[Gmum]

Mona, I just dropped dead from reading everything you have to do today. Can't someone help you?

Have you ever looked into codependent relationships? I don't know a whole lot about it, but it's def what's going on with me and my H. Maybe yours too....

I can't believe you have three men to keep you awake at night. Ok, that sounded wrong...Ha!