Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

Hi Rain, thanks for checking on me. Just woke up. According to my Fitbit tracker I slept for 4hrs 29min and was restless 5 times during that time. Just sitting here in bed reading posts on this forum. Waiting for the desire to get out of bed to hit me. So far it hasn't. I put myself on the schedule to work tonight since I haven't worked at all this week so I'm also hoping they don't call me off!

Last night was rough for me. I'm just having a really hard time switching gears back from he wants to see me to now he doesn't. For me, things never changed...I WANT TO SEE HIM! UGH! So last night I got dressed and put on my makeup, then went to my friends house. I go right past his house to get there as she lives right down the street from him. He wasn't home when I went by. Really bothered me. Her H is one that is a bit controlling as well, he likes it to be just the 2 of them there and doesn't really like others taking her attention away from him. He will just have to get over it! LOL. Anyway, stayed there for about an hour but just felt like I was going to jump out of my skin the whole time. Then, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I just HAD to go see him. So not happy about that. I knew better. I knew better. I KNEW better. Sometimes I just get that thought in my head and it keeps replaying and I just can't seem to stop myself. As I said, I seem to be having trouble switching gears back. Anyway, he opened the door before I even got up the steps to the porch. When I saw the look on his face, I really wished that I had not stopped. It was the old unfriendly face that I had not really seen in a couple of months. I asked if I could come in and he said I guess so, rolled his eyes, and went and sat on the couch. I walked in and sat down but not beside him. I stayed for about 30 minutes and just watched TV with him. It did make me feel better just to be in the same room with him, but I know it didn't make HIM feel better. I tried to be upbeat, smile and talk casually asking questions about what he was watching on TV (wasn't easy because it was a car show). I didn't talk about us at all, just the TV show. After a few minutes, he did loosen up some and just talked to me as he would have normally, but again it was only about the TV show. Then, I got up and told him I was going to leave. I stood there and talked to him for a minute, he never really looked at me though. Then I told him goodbye....didn't try to touch him, hug him, kiss him, etc....and I left. I felt more depressed after leaving than before I got there. It did help my anxiety though just to see him and not see HER there with him. Sigh.... It won't happen again. I hope. The eye rolling is a very hurtful and heartbreaking thing for me to have to see. I saw enough of it the first time and have no desire to se myself up for it any more.

After leaving his house I just knew I couldn't sit at home because it was just going to continue to eat me up. So, I came home and got one of my daughters then we went to my sister's house and made her and her H play cards with us. H kept creeping into my thoughts, but I just kept trying to push him out. I mean, heck, he has no problem pushing me right out of HIS mind (I know, that's me mind reading). We were probably there for about 3 hrs before returning home. One of my problems now is that I had told my family about H and the affair and thy were supportive of me. They were also not happy when he had a change of heart and wanted me back. They weren't happy that I was willing to give him another chance. They accepted him at Christmas, but it was awkward and you could feel the tension in the air. I can't now tell them that he changed his mind again because they will never accept him if he decides to come back to me again. So, I have lost a huge chunk of my support system. I don't want to hear the "I told you so" that I know each one of them will feel obligated to say to me. And, my friends from work that knew about the affair, I didn't tell them that we were back together working on things because I knew they would be judgmental and I didn't want to hear all of their negative opinions. So, now that he has turned away from me again, they don't know things have changed for me and gotten harder because they never knew about us working on things. The only ones that I can now talk to that know what's going on is my friend that lives on his road, my kids, and you guys. I have got to get a grip before my kids think I'm completely nuts! I don't like them seeing me sitting around depressed, crying and pathetic. Of course, if I can't work I have no choice but to sit here because I can't afford to do anything else. LOL

Hmmm....bet you're sorry you asked how I'm doing today huh?