I’m the fun Dad and the fun Uncle (for all my nieces and nephews, even the X-ones), which made the holidays. I love playing with the munchkins (and the feeling is mutual). My startup is taking off… We had an open house with some activities and the results were amazing… Over 100 people in the store during a 4 hour window and a front page spread on the local newspaper!!! The cat is officially out of the bag! My sister started an online dating profile for me, which I inherited and have been enjoying! This past weekend I went on a kayaking bender… I paddled four days in a row with a bunch of friends. After my Birthday I did a quick recap of social media… I meet over 100 new people in 2015, most of which are kayakers or people associated with the establishment of my business. I’ve been asked to interview for an associate professor position and teach a series on the topic of “Starting a Business on a Budget.” My life is a lot different than it used to be that is for sure, and I love the direction it is moving in. I’m passionate and excited about what the future holds in store for me. Additionally, I find it challenging and rewarding to negotiate the waters of business ownership. I know my abilities, my strengths and weaknesses. I enjoy contributing to something bigger than myself and even more I love to lead it. As for working out, I need to get back on that horse. I get a fair amount of exercise by paddling, but I’ve lost too much weight and need to start bulking up.
My Detachment.
I am detached from X in many ways. However, I still have thoughts about her, our situation, the kids and the OM. There are a lot of triggers in my world. The house we built together. The car I drive. The place I live. The colors of the walls. My association with her parents/daycare. I’m going to start taking an active effort in changing those things that I can, and work harder on figuring out ways to not obsess about the others. For instance, I’m in the process of looking for ideas for new colors and layouts of the rooms.
My Struggle.
Over the last couple weeks, I still have two basic thoughts that I think about or dwell on…
1 – Her coming home. I’m not an idiot, I am fully aware that there would have to be major changes for her to come back. We’ve heard this story from Sandi and many before…. Remorse, Resentment, Respect. She’s never said she is sorry, she’s never accepted any responsibility and she is currently in a selfish place. My thoughts aren’t contemplating what it would be like day to day with her home. I am not thinking about what that life looks like. My thoughts are purely about the moment that she approaches me. As everyone has identified, that time does come. I’m confident that at some point she will approach me. I am not sure what I will have in my heart… an impulse to slam the door or to hold it open. I’ve seen the parent trap (a long time ago), I realize that my kids will have a yearning for their family to be together. I’m not sure where I will be.
This is where my puppy dog comments come in from my last post. I believed in my marriage, and I am loyal. In that way I feel like the puppy dog waiting for the owner (thanks Mozza). However, betrayal, anger, disappointment are making me bitter and upset in regards to her. For a very long time, I stood up for her, tried to be compassionate and empathic. I am starting to feel that she doesn’t deserve us (kids included), and that is how I can now envision slamming the door.
2 – Her OM. I find affairs to be morally and ethically wrong in nature, and an escape for people who can’t deal with themselves or real life. Although I don’t know for 100% that they did, the timeline according to my stalker friends certainly fits and makes the most sense. With all that said, I know I reinforced her position with him, and I accept that responsibility. However, similarly to the above item, I am unsure how I will react in that moment in which I meet him again. I’m confident in my ability to rearrange his face.
Perhaps this is childish and immature, but this is the place for me to confront those things I don’t like within myself. I certainly don’t like the idea of being filled with that anger, but I have been thinking about it lately.
Thoughts???
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
This past weekend I went on a kayaking bender… I paddled four days in a row with a bunch of friends. After my Birthday I did a quick recap of social media… I meet over 100 new people in 2015, most of which are kayakers or people associated with the establishment of my business. I’ve been asked to interview for an associate professor position and teach a series on the topic of “Starting a Business on a Budget.” My life is a lot different than it used to be that is for sure, and I love the direction it is moving in. I’m passionate and excited about what the future holds in store for me. Additionally, I find it challenging and rewarding to negotiate the waters of business ownership. I know my abilities, my strengths and weaknesses. I enjoy contributing to something bigger than myself and even more I love to lead it. As for working out, I need to get back on that horse. I get a fair amount of exercise by paddling, but I’ve lost too much weight and need to start bulking up.