Okay, thanks for answering my questions. So, they work together. That's not good. After the A has ended, one of them will need to work elsewhere and not continue being in the same workplace.
So, do you have a plan in mind, or wanting us to help you with one? Are you following the rules, just to have some direction at the moment?
If you have read the threads on a wayward wife, does it describe your W, as she is presently?
What you learn here will seem very opposite of what you feel should work and what you "want" to do. Once a woman becomes wayward, she has a lot of resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. As a man and as her H, the first area you need to focus on is the lack of respect she holds for you.
A husband cannot pursue a wayward wife! Worst thing he can do. The more he tries to persuade her to go back into the MR and give "him" another chance, the less attractive he appears to her. If she doesn't respect you, then she isn't going to see you as being a strong, attractive male. The 37 rules will give tell you how to step back and not go into pursuit mode. Do not smother her with your "presence" or attention. It may not feel natural, but it is necessary while she is in an affair.
One way of becoming more attractive to a WW is by not being so available to her, and not jumping to her commands. Becoming a more decisive man, and getting a personal life that does not include her. The WW really needs to see that she is "losing" you. In order to help her see what she's losing, don't go around wearing your heart on your sleeve. Don't act clingy, pitiful, begging, etc. Anything that causes you to appear "weak" is an automatic turn-off to her. And, I mean the inner part of you, not the physical. However, it doesn't hurt to polish up that outward guy, too. Getting a life with friends and enjoying activities for yourself will help more than you could realize at the moment. It also works to cause curiosity in the WW. She suddenly wants to know everything you are doing. Keeping some mystery about your life is good! Don't lie to her, but neither do you need to tell her every detail. It helps to draw her attention and interest back on her husband. She has to see that she is putting him back out there and making him available again. Does she really want to let him go?
I'll warn you, it will get worse before it gets better. the selfishness of a WW is incredible. She is motivated by her own selfishness. She is also extremely manipulative. You cannot trust her! You cannot believe her! She will test you, use you, and lie to you. This isn't the girl you first M.
If the WW doesn't experience certain things along this journey, it continue for years. Sometimes she doesn't stay in the same A, and will hop from man to man......searching for that happiness she thinks is out there for her. She has a fantasy and she is completely illogical. There is no reasoning with crazy! The only way she will return to sanity and become herself again, is to learn the hard way. Her fantasy has to crumble, and all resources that you enable for her to continue on in this lifestyle needs to stop. The WW has to experience consequences due to her decisions, and basically, her fantasy has to crumble into dust. The H has to step back and allow her to face the reality she has created. This is not the time to bend over backwards trying to prove to her how much you love her. Your fight for the M will be a new battle fought in a new way. Your love is being sorely tested, and in order for this M to survive, you will have to stand firm in your values, standards, and spiritual beliefs.
It would probably be wise for you to have some alone time to seriously consider your personal boundary lines. Where do you draw the line in relationships? How far do you allow a person to mistreat you or openly disrespect you? Boundaries are designed to protect us. It is as if there was an invisible circle drawn around yourself, and you decide what can and what cannot cross over that line. The same principle is true in every area of our lives. It especially applies if you have a wayward wife. This is not the girl you use to know. You have to display inner strength and courage. You have to be firm and love from a distance. You cannot afford to cater to her, allow her to run over you, or to "use" you for her own selfish desires. Letting her have her way, is not the magic cure. She has changed and you will not be able to do what you may have once thought could work to pull her back. It is so very different with a WW. So, please, I encourage you to read all the links on the WW.
If you have been passive throughout your MR, and basically allowed her to make the decisions, call the shots, and run the show......thinking it would make her happy, keep the peace, or whatever......you need to make an about face and learn that this is one of the worst mistakes a H can make. (More about that topic in the WW threads.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
