My wife and I have been married for 9 years.We have 2 boys together (5 & 3) I found out a few months ago there was a male co-worker she had become quite friendly with, starting with social media, then grew into group texting with coworkers, and then into personal texts. I eventually learned they were all meeting up for dinner when I was out of town one night and had a friend "spy" on the situation. My friend confirmed that the situation was a little too "touchy feely" to be just a friendship.
I immediately called my wife, and the other man (who's cell number I had gotten when we all went out together one night when attempting to build friendships with her friends). He told me that she was cheating on me with him, and when I asked if it was physical told me "not yet." I was enraged with hurt. Now my wife says "he didn't say that" or "he was too drunk and probably said it being a smartass" etc.
I told her that in order for us to fix our relationship, that the emotional affair had to stop and needed to be severed. She refused to do so, or even acknowledge her constant texting, hanging out at restaurants and bars with him even with others from work as an affair. We subsequently separated on a trial separation, nothing legal. She told me that we fought all the time and I was verbally abusive, which I can admit. I didn't fight fair a lot of times, but neither did she.
I had threatened to leave on several occasions. She had threatened to kick me out on several as well. I just chocked it up to marital conflict, we would fight and then be okay by lunch the next day.
Since the separation I have been devastated about losing my family and splitting time with my children. I have tried to beg and plead for her to come back, and it's only made things worse. It's hard to commit to NC with kids because of school arrangements and scheduling. Also. She also continues to see and spend time with him even after what was said to me. I feel disrespected and betrayed and made a mockery of.
I've since come to the realization that I cannot force this situation and "win" her back. I've tried and said everything in my heart, and she is cold to it all. She wants nothing to do with me right now, and everything to do with him it seems. Am I right to step away at this point and just let it unfold? I don't want a divorce, but it doesn't seem as though this separation is affecting her whatsoever while it's tearing me apart.
I told her last night that I didn't want to speak to her unless it was about the kids anymore. That her lifestyle was hurtful to me and I just didn't recognize her anymore and that's where I left it...I've decided to focus on my life and doing things fulfilling both personally and spiritually that make me feel good (charity work at my church, long nights at the gym, etc.). I have no interest in the bar scene, but she does.. with this guy in tow most of the time. I just feel like I've already lost.
Help please?
Me: 33 W: 32 Married: 4/2007 Trial Sep: 12/5/2015 S:5 y/o S:3 y/o EA w/OM#1 confirmed and ended: 6/12/14 EA w/OM#2 Confirmed 1/7/2016 still continues
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I've since come to the realization that I cannot force this situation and "win" her back. I've tried and said everything in my heart, and she is cold to it all. She wants nothing to do with me right now, and everything to do with him it seems. Am I right to step away at this point and just let it unfold? I don't want a divorce, but it doesn't seem as though this separation is affecting her whatsoever while it's tearing me apart.
YUP ^^^^ this is part of the script and you are on the right track. Read my homework post and keep posting.
You must detach and give her some space, that is first on the list.
I'm sorry you are going through this. While I have no words of wisdom since I am a newbie as well...I can tell you...you will hear from great people willing to help and listen. please stay strong and try to detach
It's good you're here. Almost all of us beg and plead. And things sometimes get better, and then get worse again.
You might think that Sandi's rules are suggestions. I would encourage you to think of them as your new rules that you live by, and read them every morning.
Wayward Wives do not think logically. You do. I fought with my wife a lot in our marriage - nothing severe, but it's now her axe she grinds when we talk... nothing was ever good. The book on your marriage has been rewritten in front of you, I know.
She will say hurtful things to you, if you continue to discuss the marriage and anything resembling the R. Talk in pithy statements, fake happiness if you need to, especially for the boys.
Could it be a MLC? Is she dealing with past hurt? Did you do something that forced her to re-asses her life?
Deep breaths. Take every day as ONE day. And if you have to bite your lip clear off, DO IT. Your heart is asking WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY, but it's an answer that your wife does not have, nor will she for a while.
I don't want a divorce in my sitch, either... it might happen. After 2 months, I have begun to accept that the D will happen, and that I must now start preparing for the worst, and hope for the best.
What are you doing with the boys? Any fun activities? Are they getting time with their grandparents, or aunts/uncles? Normalcy for them is great... making things as normal as possible.
Last edited by trumpet; 01/05/1606:45 PM. Reason: spelling
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Thanks for your reply. I'm new here so I don't really know what all the acronyms mean.. MLC? I know that our history of "fighting" often involved both us us fighting unfairly. From Chapter 1 my situation is dead on the same exact ordeal with the wife that put up the wall and no one could tear it down. She told me that the harsh things I would say built up and built up and eventually she just had enough.
I was just surprised because no matter how much we both would fight and say things we didn't mean, I had no idea she was so unhappy. Like I said, most of the time we had made up by lunch the day after. But now she informs me that she was miserable and it is devastating, because no matter what I always only wanted our happiness together, I guess I took advantage of her because I knew no matter how much we fought I could never leave her, even though we had both threatened it on several occasions.
This has all come as a huge shock to me. Had I know she was so miserable with me I would have done more to stop fighting with her so much.. I never would have chosen this.. I love her and I love my family with all my heart. I've tried to express that and everything I say is just shut down. Like someone has just slammed the door in my face and she won't have anything to do with it.
Last edited by Chris82; 01/05/1607:29 PM.
Me: 33 W: 32 Married: 4/2007 Trial Sep: 12/5/2015 S:5 y/o S:3 y/o EA w/OM#1 confirmed and ended: 6/12/14 EA w/OM#2 Confirmed 1/7/2016 still continues
I'm not sure.. She certainly seems like an alien. A scary sight indeed. I don't even recognize her. She is flat cold to me, when I cry, when I don't. I feel like she is just this shell of the woman I married. She knows it hurts me when she goes out to dinner with her work friends knowing the OM is around, and she is open (if I ask) about telling me he is. I just don't understand how she could tell me they are "just friends" after this guy (drunk or not) has openly told me shes having an affair with him behind my back. and then laughed about it. He completely disrespected me right in front of her.. and she still does it.
I don't know how or why she can hurt me like that.. It [censored] to see someone be so careless about my feelings.
I can tell you not too long ago she experienced a miscarriage when we were trying hard for a little girl. The fetus never got far enoug along to know the baby's sex but I know it took a toll on her. I also know that the OM is a single dad of 1 daughter. This may be coincidence, but as many of you know when you spend most of your time trying to piece together "why's" you think of everything possible.
Me: 33 W: 32 Married: 4/2007 Trial Sep: 12/5/2015 S:5 y/o S:3 y/o EA w/OM#1 confirmed and ended: 6/12/14 EA w/OM#2 Confirmed 1/7/2016 still continues
