Wife and I have been married 5 years. 4 kids. 2 with her both boys 2 and 3 and I have 2 from another woman. She's raised these kids as hers for the last 6 years. Found out she was having an affair with coworker and immediately asked her to leave. She rented a house 5 days later and is been there for a month. We talked about a week after she moved in for 2 hours. She couldn't say if our relationship was over for sure. Fast forward to last Saturday. I have been doing limited contact with her. She picks the younger boys up everyday then brings them home before work at 5. I haven't been pursuing or really talking about us.
So I ask her to go out to have coffee last Saturday and ask her where we are at. She said she misses us and is homesick but doesn't want to come back if she not 100%. Still involved with om but I think that is wearing off and she's seeing that it's not all that. Feels like she's into deep with the house but seems to be softening.
So do I keep going dark or just keep communicating with her with no more R talk till she's ready. She is out for n her own right now paying all the bills at her new house and without any other family. Om is staying at her place a few nitghts a week and he is also married but his spouse is divorcing him and he's having second thoughts. From talking to the obs they are not going to like eachother once they get to know one another and I already see signs that it's floundering. Ordered DR but not here yet
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome Wrigley. I'm so sorry you're here. Read all of the links above, then read them again. It will all be relevant to you, and luckily you're here sooner rather than later. Do post on other people's threads. You'll get lots of support and it will bring people to your page.
I'm relatively new here, too, so I don't have a lot of advice. The vets will help you. Sometimes it seems the advice is the exact opposite of what you're sure is the right path. The important thing is to remember to check what works and keep doing it, and if it doesn't work after some time, then do something else. Sometimes improvements are so small we miss them, so keep looking.
Fingers crossed that the A fizzles soon.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Wrigley, So sorry that you have to be here, but you have found a great place to get information and support. You will find many others here that share similar stories and that can help guide you along your journey. When I found out about my H affair, I did all the typical WRONG things....begging, pleading, crying, panicking, begging more, clinging, trying to change his mind, explaining why he was wrong, etc, etc, etc. I was very skeptical about the 180, but I had ran out of other options because everyithing I did up to that point pushed him away farther and alienated us. I finally tried the 180 and after 5 weeks of no contact (and it was the HARDEST thing I had ever done), my H decided that he wanted to be married and work things out. After almost 2 weeks, he changed his mind again and I am back to square 1 and having to reinitiate the 180. It is so very hard, but I know that is my only option. While doing the 180, you should take the time to work on yourself. Go out and get a life (GAL). Take up a new hobby, hang out with friends, go for a walk, whatever you want to do, just keep yourself busy and out of the house. Go dark and be mysterious. It really will make them curious. When she sees that you're not sitting around waiting for her, she will wonder where you are and it will spark her interest. Wait for her to initiate contact, unless you need to talk about the kids or finances or something important. When you do communicate with her, do not bring up talk about your marriage or R, just keep it casual and try to be as upbeat and friendly as you can. You want her to think that you are moving on without her. I am certainly not an expert so I'm sure others with more experience will chime in. Good luck, I hope your wife returns to her senses soon.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB gave you some really great advice for not being an "expert". GAL right now. It will take your focus off what is happening with the M. It will save your sanity. It will keep you from pursuing her. The absolute worst thing you can do is chase after her. The best thing is to pull back and start doing your own thing. It sounds all kinds of messed up, right? It is the one thing that works best.
No relationship talks until after you've read DR, okay? You really need to read the book. I'm so glad you got here early! We may be able to help you not make mistakes so many of us have already made.
Ancaire, I just noticed that you live in "southern US." Don't suppose you live in Texas? . Just wondering .
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Welcome aboard. Sorry to hear about your situation. I have several questions, hope you don't mind. Has there ever been an A (on either side) in the past? If this as fizzles out, will you want her back home?
Do her kids live with her, and are they there when OM sleeps over?
Do you have any idea why she got involved with another man?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sandi. There has never been anything before on either end. Model marriage of trust. Yes I want her back
The kids stay with her on her nights off and she picks them up everyday at 11 a 5pm. So all her free time she has the kids. I am sure the om is around them
I think the last few years our communication sucked. She didn't want to be the nagging wife and held it all in making her unhappy and in turn I was unhappy that she was always unhappy. We have since talked about what we should have been doing better.
I am sure like most workplace affairs. They started talking about their relationships to eachother and then it goes too far and before you know it your clothes are off.
Been reading a lot of threads with similar situations. Sandis stuff too. I realize it's her call. I feel her wavering but I don't want to press her. She hasn't called after our talk Saturday. She has really thrown it all away. She doesn't see my daughter now out of my choice and my son is very mad at her. She has no family and not a lot of friends. It's pretty much her and the boys and this guy,who his own wife doesn't want back. Now he's really just got no home and kinda staying at her place and his parents.
. Just wondering .