Back to when he suddenly decided to work on the M. I told him I'd already made some plans to move on. I wanted to get trained in Phlebotomy, so that I could work at least part-time (that's all I've been cleared to do by doctors) and make a decent wage. He was all for that! Sent me off to a class starting the very next day. I guess while I was out of town at the class is when he broke it off with OW.
We were getting along fairly well, but not quite comfortable. I could tell he was really angry about something. It took me about a week and half to dig it out of him, but he finally told me how he was feeling. He said I blackmailed him into staying with me because of how much it was going to cost him in a D to get rid of me. He was angry because he had to break it off with OW. Those two statements alone about slayed me! Had I known he felt that way, I would have just moved forward with the D.
He went out of town for a week, and when he came home, we talked some more about it. He still felt blackmailed, but was okay with it somewhat. He knew it was the right thing to do for our family. He wasn't as upset about OW as he'd led me to believe (right.) He had a pool tournament that weekend and there was a house party he was going to at his buddy's house, and I was NOT welcome to attend. That hurt. No way around it. I asked why, and he said it was because of all the awful things he'd said about me. He was going to have to fix the damage he'd created. (I'm pretty sure this means he's been lying his butt off about me, and now had to backtrack.)
I went out with my kids the night of the party. We went to a karaoke bar, and had a great time. I drank 2 gigantic margaritas. As the night wore on, I got more and more irritated because H wouldn't answer any of the texts I'd sent him. What could he be doing? Why wasn't he answering me?
So, I made the worst mistake of my life that night. Even though I was smart enough to get a ride home at 1am, at 2am, I was angry beyond reason. I still hadn't heard from H, so I decided it would be a great idea to drive out to his friends house and discover why he wasn't answering me.
I was sitting inside my car out front, and H stomped over to demand why I was there. I explained to him that he wasn't answering my texts, and I wanted to know why. He just ordered me to go home, which made me even more angry and hurt. We started quarreling, and for some reason (probably intuition again) I asked H if the OW I knew about was the only one. He said I didn't want to know. I insisted that I did. Then he said there had been "2 or 3 others" and that is the last thing I clearly remember.
He said I began screaming, and backed my car up like I was leaving. But I didn't leave. I turned around, came back, and slammed into a parked truck. I told them I thought it was H's truck. I don't remember any of this. But I do know the truck I hit was parked right beside my car when I was talking to H, so there is no way I could have thought it was H's truck. It was his dirt-bag friend's truck. They promptly called the police on me. While the police were there, I am told I asked them for a gun so I could shoot my H. I was clearly out of my mind.
Rather than sending me to jail, the police sent me to the hospital. I found out there that depression, alcohol, and the patch I wear for pain control do not make for a happy combination. I had no idea. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. But I've never been hit with anything so painful, either. I was absolutely suicidal, and was put into a psychiatric facility for the next two days, until I stopped asking for someone to kill me.
Apparently H and his buddy had other ideas. A week later, I was arrested and placed in jail overnight on felony charged of criminal mischief. I bailed myself out, using a credit card ($1000!)and when I got home, H hit me up with his newest proposal. His buddy would drop the charges if I would agree to 7 months of spousal support instead of the 5-7 years I am entitled to. I declined his offer, which enraged him. I was, however, on to him at this point, and had secretly recorded the entire conversation.
I'm still in shock they had me thrown in jail to play divorce games! I was featured on the evening news, incorrectly, as a nutcase who ran down some innocent guy in his truck, because I thought it was my H. My dignity was in tatters. My reputation was ruined. I've never even gotten a traffic citation, and now I'm a "felon" - H's favorite way of describing me these days. He likes to play "compare the worst crime". He's only a cheater, while I am a felon.
I got a good defense attorney, thanks to my mom sending some money, and they are pretty sure they're going to be able to get it dropped to a misdemeanor by the end of January, and later totally expunged. His friend's truck has been repaired and paid for by my insurance company. I didn't got over to maliciously ram his truck. I had to talk to an investigator, in person, to tell them what I remember. I remember nothing after feeling that searing pain, and then my memory starts returning in pieces when I was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
My H literally drove me out of my mind. I have such a hard time trusting people. I was sexually abused as a child by an adult I loved and raped as a young woman of 22. To say trust is difficult? It's an understatement. I did, however, completely trust my H. To find out he'd been betraying me for the past few years? I guess my poor mind just snapped, after all the stress and strain of the prior few months, and then his lovely little revelation.
He takes ownership for none of it. Says we could have repaired our M, but since I had to go and be a crazy woman, there is no hope now. He says I can place the failure of the M squarely on myself.
I've realized since then, how very much he doesn't want to be married. He let his friend have me thrown in jail to benefit him! Jail was awful. Let's just leave it at that. I stopped trying then, and started placing my focus on myself.
I've messed up and attempted to bring up R twice since that night. About a month later, I asked just what it was that I did that was so unforgivable. I had a breakdown and did a stupid thing. It's not like I cheated, or hurt anyone. He came back with he was afraid of me, because I wanted to shoot him that night.
Last month, closer to Christmas, I messed up and sent him a letter, asking him to please stop, and consider our kids. Needless to say, he declined. I was so angry with him for putting himself ahead of our children, I just cut him off, told him I was sorry I gave him the letter in the first place, and never mind.
Ever since I found out about OW, I moved all his things out of the MBR and put them in his office. He sleeps over at his friend's house, and works from home during the day. I stay on my side of the house, and he is supposed to stay on his.
He has no problem breaking into my room. I hide things that aren't important so that he can find them and think he found something. I have to leave the room unattended when I leave the house, and I figured out early on he was snooping through my stuff. He really wants a copy of the recording that I made, because he doesn't remember exactly what he said. I never should have let it slip that I had it. He copied it off my computer once, and deleted it from my drive, but fortunately, my L had told me to send it to lots of people, just in case. I found his copy, and deleted it, restored mine, and let him know I knew what he'd done.
He'll pick my door lock, barge in, and attack me verbally when he gets upset about something. I suspect OW is pressuring him about how long the D is taking. He'll be relatively pleasant for a time, and then suddenly start demanding that I move out, agree to his terms, etc.
Last time he barged in and told me to be out by the end of the day! L said not so fast, and called his L and put a stop to it. I will not talk with him anymore. I've told him to correspond with me via e-mail or text, since he can't be civil. I'm leaving out a lot of the spew - since I know you've all heard similar.
We were supposed to have an emergency hearing on January 6th, but he suddenly started behaving. He wasn't giving me any money, won't get my car out of the shop, and is insisting I leave right away. How am I supposed to do that? He does not care, he just wants me gone.
At this point, I'm resigned. We'll be D whether I want it or not. As abusive as he is, and the fact that I physically cannot handle the stress, it's probably for the best. This version of H? I want nothing to do with. Every once in a while I see a glimmer of old H, and my stupid heart starts beating faster. I miss him so very much.
Thanks to my DB friends, I've been forced to face the reality that anywhere near H right now is not the safest place for me to be. I've finally accepted that. I'm attempting to find some help to get me out of here. H wants me to go live with my 76 year old mother and her H in a city 3 hours away from here. I do not want to do that. I'm a grown woman. I don't want to live with my mom. I don't care much for her H, either. It would not be a good situation. My children are here. My doctors are here. I think H is still trying to control me by deciding just where it is I need to live.
So, my priorities right now? Not H. My health #1. Finding a place to live, #2. Getting the funds together will have to be part of the divorce. I just learned that H has taken out a loan against the 401k. I didn't think he was supposed to touch the marital assets while D was pending. He does all kinds of things he's not supposed to do, with little to no repercussions. How is that possible?
Job recommended that I break down what I need to do into smaller steps so that the entire thing is not so overwhelming, and I find that to be excellent advice. I need to figure out everything I'm going to have to do, and then break it down. I've got a lot of homework for today.
I know H needs to not be my concern. I get it. I just have this feeling that I'm giving up too easily. On the other hand, trying to fight for our M? It's like attempting to baptize a snarling, spitting, clawing wild cat. I know others have been in this same position. How do you come to peace with the inevitable? Is it as simple as just not focusing on H right now? As you can see, I'm still kind of new. My situation has been crazy and fast. I'm on a timeline, too, because we've been renting this house, and our lease is up in March.
Someone tell me I can do this? I'm starting to feel scared again.
